AS. GAD. EDNOS. Panic disorder. Impulse control disorder-NOS. What am I missing? You get the idea.
But there's a new kid on the block. He's the one nobody
likes. He's mean, he's manipulative, he's cruel, he kicks puppies.
To be honest, I've known in my heart for years that I had this diagnosis. As soon as I read about it, I was like... wow, that's me. Kind of like what happened with Asperger's. Now, there are a lot of symptoms of the disorder that I do not have, but there are also a lot that I do have. And I'm scared. 10% suicide rate? Little hope of recovery? Clinicians refuse to treat it? Oh, great.
Three conversations really helped me think this through, though. One was my mom. She said that while I may have this diagnosis, I'm far from beyond hope. I have a lot going for me, and especially because I'm aware that I have these traits (whereas most people with this disorder are not and refuse to believe it), I can work to counter them. The second conversation was with a girl from group, who said that she too has this diagnosis, and that if she could pick any diagnosis to have, it'd be this one. Why? Because it's behavioral and not chemical. You have little hope of changing the chemicals in your brain, but your behaviors are yours for the changing. Then, my dad said he's glad I got the diagnosis because it means I can learn about it and begin to do
something about it, as opposed to letting it control me.
I'm honestly afraid to write this post and have you all suddenly walk out the door in sudden fear of me. I'm the same person I was before I had this label; in fact, I've had the disorder the whole time. And really, only the people who know me best are apt to notice the traits of it. Good and bad, that is...
If you ask me, this disorder is a killer combo with autism. It leads to social problems of its own, and then the autism means that I don't pick up on the social cues that people are turned off by me. It causes big, big messes, and I'm in one right now. It's so, so hard to apologize for things you didn't feel you did wrong, but then, I'm sure I did and just didn't know it, and I desperately want my friend back.