Today was one of the best days ever. Care you to know why? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I woke up and went to a therapist appointment, where Jannette gave me a new squishy that lights up. Then I came home and did the usual computer/TV combo for 2 hours. After being sufficiently brainwashed, I made a run to the grocery store for the essentials (Diet Mt. Dew, Ensure, and flowers for my mama), and to Walgreens to pick up prescriptions (6 of them!). I came home and was supposed to meet the potential new aide, but we got our signals crossed somehow and she didn't think she was coming tonight, so we had to reschedule for Sunday. Minor melt down ensued. Mom warded it off by offering to take me to get a movie from the Redbox, my choice. I chose Monsters vs. Aliens and thoroughly enjoyed it. Lots of laughing. Mom and Bob, not so much, but they watched with me and made me very happy.
So what makes this day so fantastic (aside from the squishy, of course). I was out of Geodon this morning and decided just to skip the dose rather than fly off to Walgreens. Bad, bad, because the last time I missed a dose (of all my meds that time), I wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks. Today, aside from the single near-meltdown, I did really well. In fact...
It's been
incredible. I've been awake since 9:15 this morning and haven't needed a nap. I chatted Mom's and Bob's ears off, when usually I say nothing. I smiled and I
laughed. I cracked up at the movie. I couldn't shut up during it! I was thinking that I must be hyper, but no, this is how it should feel. Wow. The difference is indescribable. Can you feel it? I'm even blogging far more easily. I told my mom that the words just keep spilling out and I can't stop them!
The downside is that, had anything really gone wrong, I would have lost it. I got upset when my stepdad talked to me, I got upset when I had to pay a whole $5 for my 6 prescriptions, and I almost completely lost it when S couldn't come over (she's coming Sunday instead, so no harm done). I really can't go without the med, or I'd be back to the screaming, crying, self-harming mess I was a year ago. And did I mention that all day I've been stimming like crazy? But oh, how good it feels. Maybe, now that my life is more stable, it's time to back down on it and see how I do? That's a very scary thought, because I don't want to return to what I was this time last year. Ever.
Not to mention, how do I go back to that fog tomorrow? I already tried asking Mom if I can skip another dose in the morning, and she said no way. But I so badly want to have fun on our day out instead of drip and drag like I always do anymore. Ugh.
That's all I got folks. Comments appreciated about the dilemma, though.
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trigger warning for mention of suicide attempt
i suggest tappering off the geodon. i found it did more harm than help. then again, i was a teenager and one day try to od...oh the vomiting