Sunday, 08 July 2012

• It's Been Worth It

  Lately, I've been scrambling for words.  It's not that I don’t want to write, it's that I've had a hard time getting the right words to come past that invisible filter, and actually make sense when they are all out there.  The combination of early mornings and late nights, while trying to balance three kids and a busy schedule has taken precedence above writing about the day – and that, I think, is good.  The day has come when I can finally go a day (or three) without writing.  Its good.  Really.

  I used to have to write, or everything would just get bottled up so fast that eventually something or someone would explode.  But lately, aside from the small ups and downs that we have hit…things have been, ok.

  Even though Im really leery to say that. 

  We've made it to that place, that place where life is starting to take some form of shape, things are starting to make less sense, and were getting tossed into the whirlwind of life, while we watch as we fly by other people, instead of just watching them fly by us.  That is meant in all the nicest ways, of course.

  This year has been rough, its just seems a little rougher than last year, but I think that might have something to do with…this is the first year that I have really?  Done this all on my own (aside from the people who have stepped up and helped me out that is – a big thank you to all of you) This really is the first year that I have been truly flying solo without the state, and gobs of people up in my face.  Yea, people still try to tell me what and how to do something, and there are those people who are nice enough to offer words of advice and wisdom…

  But this year?

  Has been done pretty solo.

  The end of this month, will mark one year since the issues with Josh came to an end. The 19th will mark two years since Madison and Dylan have been back.

  Its been a year, almost a whole year, since I have had all three kids back…with out any state watching.

  Its really, the first year that I have done it, alone.  Without them.

  Its been hard, I wont lie.  I think most will understand that.  Its been difficult, in more than one way.  Its been rough, and there have been many ups and downs, second guessing, and questioning all through out this year.  Ever since I first “Got” the kids, all those five years ago, I have had the state, or some version of authority, watching.  There has always been that “What if” and “Whos watching” and the knowing that atleast if your going to screw up, someone will be there to shout it out.  Not that I always, or ever, liked that.

  But this year?  Its been different.  Completely different, and I think that might be part of whats made it so difficult.  I don’t have weekly check ins, I don’t have someone to tell me what to straighten up, I don’t have someone to be accountable to…its just us.

  And its been great.

  Hard.

  But great.

  I think Ive written enough about the downs, the questions, the wondering, the second guessing, the problems, the issues, the struggles.  Those things that are at the front of my mind when I sit down at 11pm and try to write.  The things that are pressing to get out…

  But there are things that are unsaid, as I mentioned before, we do have fun, and there ARE times when everyone is happy.

  Its almost been a complete year, a circle has almost come to a close – its been a great year, honestly…and I cant wait to do it over again.

  Because its been hard, but its been worth it.

  

  The clothes in the background?  Just a small glimpse of what REALLY is there.

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