Monday, 18 June 2012
Funny. (Ha. Ha.) I thought I'd arrived on the summit of wisdom when I turned half a century two years ago. I wrote a post about being dubbed a "baby crone" by an older friend. Little did I know I was about to make a less than optimal choice that would serve as the greatest wake up call of my life. I went through with said choice. I got married for a second time. And a year later, I ended that relationship that had begun four years earlier. It took my father's death to strip away my own blinders and see that although I am a warrior in so many ways in my life, up until now, I was a wuss when it came to men.
I have spent nearly a year now working intensely with a spiritual teacher who has taken me to depths that never before did a therapist go. Not in my 20 years spent on numerous couches. I have learned that it's not about knowledge. Not about all the seminars I attended seeking the answers to a pain that I didn't even really know that I had. In survival mode, I had covered it up. In those four years, I covered my my body and my emotions with about 15 extra pounds of fat. I've nearly stripped it off in the last year. (Yes!)
My second marriage was a necessary and very painful part of my spiritual evolution. I crashed and burned in order to rise like a phoenix. I had begun to realize that there was an invisible wall barring me from growing into my greatest good. I am bursting through that wall now and it is so freeing. The wall was the choices I'd made in men that loved my ambition and yet feared it. And in their fear combated with sabotage--albeit sometimes unknowingly to the both of us. But, three fingers point back to me and ultimately all five do as well because these were choices I made. And getting down to the cellar of my pain, I now know that I was driven by patterns of love that I learned from the man who loved me first. His death liberated me.
Happy Birthday, to me. To Leisa. You are two years older. Two years wiser. Two years freer. The best is here and yet to come.
Photo: Lisa Linn Manley
Addendum: On aging, saw a good movie yesterday ~ The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel