Saturday, 16 June 2012

• Is It Autism, Sibling Rivalry or Both?

  

  
  

  I woke up this morning to screaming rounds of "Jonathan, give me back my phone!" Faith came upstairs to tell me Jonathan took her favorite phone. I had her send him up. He came up. I asked him to give the phone back, "No. I don't want to." This became a circular conversation. At least he was honest.
  

  
  Last week a quite conversation between husband and wife was disrupted by a hysterical Faith who was so upset it took awhile to get her to calm. "Jonathan keeps calling my friends 'its'! My friends aren't 'its' they are people!" When they were toddlers we'd pull Jonathan off a crying Faith telling him she didn't like being sat on. His confident response was always, "Yes, she does like it."
  
  Is It Autism, Sibling Rivarly or Both? 
  
  One of the main communication issues with Asperger's Syndrome is that those diagnosed with it cannot read and interpret facial expressions or tone of voices. In other words, they can't tell from non verbal cues that someone is mad, upset, offended or hurt by something they might have said. Jonathan has Asperger's Syndrome; however, he is also high functioning even within the range of those with Asperger's Syndrome. When his speech teacher holds up different facial expressions he can tell her what the emotion is. However, he's also so bright that he can remember anything he's seen before. Is he telling her the emotion because he recognizes the emotion or because he's memorized the card? His issues are further complicated by the fact that he can do things in clinical settings but not transfer the same skills to real life.
  
  However, let's  be real. He's smart and he's an older brother. Most of the time I think he knows exactly he's doing when he's taunting his little sister - it's fun. In fact, he'll usually admit this. There are some occasional occurrences when I believe he doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Poor Faith usually suffers the consequences. Only recently does she have any kind of understanding that he's not always being mean just to be mean. She has a classmate with Asperger's Syndrome who is lower functioning that Jonathan. She's learned not to get angry at this classmate when he steps on her or does annoying things to get her attention. Instead, she points out better ways of getting her attention. She also advocates for him when his clumsiness (unaware of personal space) causes his classmates to get upset with him. She'll tell them that he didn't mean it he just has difficulty with understanding personal space. (I'm sure she says something more appropriate to an eight year old.)
  
  Later this morning I came out of the shower with Jonathan screaming a round of "Josh, give it back!" So on the other end, I have a teenager, who should know better (at least in my own estimation) but picks on his younger brother. Why? Why? Why? I'm sure you parents are asking the same question. Why is it fun to get your siblings upset which in turn causes your parents to get upset?
  
  There are times when I realize that even though I believe Joshua is old enough and smart enough to understand Jonathan is different maybe I'm expecting too much from him. All Jonathan's life he makes a certain noise that sounds like a short 'a' when he's "being Aspie" (or operating more out of his autism than out of his typical personality). If Jonathan is over simulated by sensory input (noise, light, temperature, clothes, etc.) he doesn't want to be touched. He'll warn you by the 'a' noise. So I don't know why Joshua continues to rough house, tease or talk Jonathan into doing something he doesn't want to do. Inevitably Josh continues, Jonathan has the autistic meltdown and Josh acts shocked. I'm ready to tar and feather Joshua, but I'm too busy trying to deescalate Jonathan.
  
  How much of Joshua's actions stem from feeling neglected? He often makes it a point of telling us Jonathan gets all the attention and never gets in trouble. The truth is that Jonathan does take more attention than both Joshua and Faith; however, neither of the other children is lacking anything. But it is hard for children and young adults to see that quality, quantity and type of attention look different for each child. (Heck, I was in my forties with three children of my own before I understood why my parents treated me differently than my three younger brothers.) Josh doesn't see the huge sacrifice it is for us to sit in the soccer stands for all of his games. We love being there, but it's exhausting fighting Jonathan who doesn't want to be there. Nor does Joshua see that he lived high on the hog for seven and a half years before siblings came along. (Or maybe he does and this is why he's upset.)
  
  Is It Autism, Sibling Rivarly or Both? 
  
  Disclaimer: I'm not whining here. Even though it is aggravating at the moment, in the end Scott and I can often look at each other and laugh. We laugh as we are pulling a three and a half year old Jonathan off an 18 month old screaming Faith. Jonathan is earnestly trying to convince us that she really likes being tortured.
  
  I chuckled when we finally got Faith calmed down and out of the room after Jonathan called her friends' "its." I said to Scott, "This just goes to show you the difference in their personalities. Faith is relational oriented so people are people and not "its." People are the end. Jonathan is going to be task oriented, so people are "its" - a means to his end - getting his tasks done."
  
  Is It Autism, Sibling Rivarly or Both? 
  
  The autism in our house is what it is. We just continue to grow and understand it, to explain it to everyone as best we can and to try to live with a sense of humor about it. We have have no other choice. Otherwise, we'd be angry, upset and stressed all the time. And who wants to live that way?
  
  Is It Autism, Sibling Rivarly or Both? 

   

   

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