Outwardly I am hapy and fluffy and all is well. On here I don't have to be, so I'll admit I'm not handling the reality of two disabled children very well. Probably hasn't been the most favourable time to run out of mental tablets, but there goes.
I'll cope, of course I will. I always do. I'm used to it. Just indulge me a small amount of self pity for a time because, just once, something should have really gone my way and the cosmos could have cut me a break. Just once.
Not making anything of myself and being a failure and being a shit human being and not having proper relationships and just generally being wholly and indescribedly shit, I can handle that. Just once would have been nice for it to be the Disney ending.
Because it isn't fair. I can't even guarantee how long I'll be about and mobile can I? What's going to happen to them?
And no, it doesn't mean that I resent my kids, which I don't, or that I'm a hateful person (which I am) but for fuck's sake. Cut me some slack. Just the once.
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I felt like this today, and I thought of all the positive thinking autism blogs out there. Then I thought "Why can't someone honestly express the dark side of autism. Not every day, but just one post that doesn't make me feel like everyone but me can take this all in stride. You've answered that for me. Hugs!
BTW, Mom's Clean Air Force - yes a group in favor of clean air, just de-friended me on facebook. They put up a quote by Dennis Leary (that had nothing to do with clean air or autism) and I reminded them of the following quote from Dennis Leary just to make sure they actually wanted to promote him.
"There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and
competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't
compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks
. . . to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of
their junior morons. I don't give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack
jobs tell you - yer kid is NOT autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or
both."
Their response? They said they "like and believe" his quote and promptly de-friended me when I came back with "This has nothing to do with clean air and it is hurtful and hateful to children and families that have been affected by toxic air." They de-friended me and erased all my comments. I guess they need to protect Dennis Leary. I guess, according to them you can't love clean air and hate Dennis Leary.