Friday, 11 May 2012
Some days are just exhausting to me. Days when I am told nothing I am doing is right, and everything seems to agree with the all too common response. Days when I realize that I cant be everything to everyone. Days when I realize just how much I fail, and how little I really am doing right. Days when everything that is being done wrong is big, and bold. Days when I just want to run, run, run. Days when I would have rather drowned everything out – but didn’t because I didn’t have an ID on me. Days when I collapse at the end of them, the weight of not only the day, but the world on my shoulders. And I close my eyes – wishing it all away, not wanting tomorrow to come because I don’t HAVE any answers and I don’t know how to do anything else.
Days like those, are hard. So hard.
The harsh reality is so blatantly obvious and I cant avoid it. I can't out run it. I can't fix it. And I can't do anything about it. When everything sticks out. The failures and absence of things and people I just CAN'T be, are leaving gaping holes…There is absolutely nothing I can do but watch everything spiral out of control.
There just comes a point, when I have to stop. And admit. Admit to defeat. Because there is nothing else to do. And then? I have to pick up and continue on, try to patch the holes, and stretch things further. I have to reevaluate things, and realize that some things WON'T matter. Those things, I have to let go. I HAVE to or else everything else will slide. I have to realize that no, I can not be everyone. I can't do everything. Some things I just can't do. While I don’t like admitting that there are gaps in the kids lives that I can't fill. It's better to admit it and try to find someone that can fill them, then going along covering my eyes pretending the problems don’t exist.
For now, we just keep going. Hitting the bumps at full speed and trying to recover as quickly as possible.
Picking up and continuing on. Doing the best we can, with the best we have. And then trying…