Tuesday, 13 March 2012

• Where did you go?

  
  
  
  What is it about autism that sends people running for the hills?  Have I started reaching out less?  Do I just expect people to reach out to me?  Or has everyone really deserted me? 

  Disclaimer: First off, I want to say that if you are a family member or a friend reading this and you think you might get offended and you are not going try to see things from my perspective, then just stop reading now.  Close your browser or read one of my more inspirational entries.  I'm writing this because I need to get it off my chest and I need to say something that I'm sure others could use who are going through the same thing.  Aka: I NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM. I also want to mention that I am not referencing my immediate family in this because they live 700 miles away from me and they do what they can from that distance.  This is for those people who are near us and have completely disappeared.  I'm going to keep it vague because I don't want to hurt anyone, but this is how I feel. 

  So where did you go?  Huh?  Really.  There are people who used to make their way over here a lot more often.  They used to lend a hand, offer baby sitting or just swing by for dinner every now and then.  I really can't decide how much it has to do with either me shutting people out or people actually just eliminating us from their lives. I have a pretty strong feeling its the latter.  I know I've done less phone-calling and what-not, but I don't think that is a sufficient explanation for the level of disappearances I've seen. 

  Is it that you just can't handle the reality of it?  Is it just too painful for you to reassess what you had in mind for D and who you thought she was going to be?  Is it just too difficult for you to realize your expectations and reality don't align?  If that is the case, GROW A PAIR.  Seriously.  Get over it.  Can you imagine how it is for us?  If it is that painful for you, can you think for one second what we have gone through?

  To those who have been repeat cancelers on us.  The ones who have one little job of only caring for themselves and working part-time.  To the ones who constantly start plans with us, only to bail the last minute- you can save it.  I work way too hard and way too many hours to be setting aside time, to only be canceled on repeatedly.  Do you know what it takes for me to clear that time in my day?  Do you even care?

  And then the excuses, oh the excuses.  When you haven't made an effort to see us in months or even hardly called or sent a text, and then at the last hour make up a reason why you think you really just deserve to go out on the town instead- you make me sick.  You do not need to go out.  You know who probably does deserve a night out?  US.  You do not have anyone to care for at home, you can go out whenever you want.  Just because you feel like you deserve to go out instead, doesn't mean you had to pick the night we had plans to do it.  I am so sick of excuses.  Just be real.  You don't really want to come over.  Autism makes you uncomfortable.  Seeing our struggles up close and realizing how abandoned you've left us, makes you feel bad.  And you don't want to feel bad.  So you leave us to struggle alone.    

  And being busy is not a legitimate excuse.  You are not too busy to pick up the phone.  You have the time.  I see your facebook stories.  I see your photos.  Its very apparent that you have had enough time to go out, pamper yourself for one day, go wine tasting, go party, go to concerts, have a vacation, etc, etc.  And I am happy for you.  But you are not too busy to call a little more, help a little more, come by a little more and give a little more. I know what your responsibilities are.  I've thoroughly assessed the situation.  My conclusion?  If I have time, you have time.  Time is not the problem.  Autism is the problem.  It scares you.  And you left us.

  And then there's those who do call sometimes, but its only to talk about themselves.  While I do appreciate that you haven't completely abandoned us, I don't want to pick up the phone after my long, hard day to hear you talk about yourself for 20 minutes straight.  I like listening to what you have to say about your life.  I love giving advice.  And I know that relationships are give and take.  I know it isn't all about me.  But that isn't what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about picking up the phone after a day of battling through life, only to hear you rattle on about whatever drama you have going on and then hanging up after you get it off your chest.  Without any, "how are you?"  or "how is D?"  or "is therapy going well?"  Nope.  None of that.  Just a half hour of my time wasted hearing you complain about an utterly miniscule problem, such as your hair-dresser messing up your hair and how angry it made you.  Or some boy isn't calling you back.  I would love to hear about these things, but if you don't have the common courtesy to even acknowledge me and my life, you might as well be talking to a wall because I'm not listening anymore.   

  The point is this: a lot of people in my life have purposely left in my opinion.  I don't think they want to see the reality of how hard things are here, because then they might feel guilty.  Then they might feel obligated to lend a hand.  Then they might have to change some of their views or be a little less selfish.  Then they might have to actually sacrifice, by locking hands with us, staring this hardship in the face with us and saying "we will fight with you!"  That is hard to do.  And that is a lot to expect out of other people I guess.  Maybe its hard to find a middle ground.  Maybe you just want to preserve the relationship we used to have without having to give any extra.  And rather than giving that extra, you walked away completely. 

  I have tried to rationalize, I have tried to forgive, but we are struggling and no matter what it feels like to you, going through this alone is absolutely terrible for us.  We feel utterly lost and abandoned.  If you want to come back or start giving more- please do.  We could really use it.

   

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