Saturday, 10 March 2012
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When The R-word Means Something To You
To those who do not understand what the problem is with the “r-word”:
The r-word… retard. It’s a funny little slang word that can be used to describe so many things, situations…. people. It’s a word that’s causally thrown around, used without thinking about it… it doesn’t really mean anything.
Right?
Perhaps, if you do not have anyone in your family that has a disability or special need… it really doesn’t mean much to you. And so you don’t get it. Why do people make such a big deal about it? Why do so many people get so upset about a word that you don’t even give a second thought to?
Well, let’s fast forward a few years, actually, a lot of years and let’s say you’re now approaching your 80′s. You have children, grand children and loved ones beyond that. And then you have a stroke and in an instant… a large portion of your brain function is no longer available to you. You’re still smart, you still remember everything, you still love everyone… but now you struggle to say the things you’re thinking, you struggle to use your hands with precision…. you simply… struggle.
How would it feel if your children started calling you a retard? Your grandchildren? Ok, maybe not directly, but let’s put it this way…
One day you try to pick up a glass of water, it slips and crashes to the floor. A short while later in the day, you grandchild goes to pick up their plate, drops it and it smashes to the floor. Out of frustration, that grandchild says to themself: “Ugh, I’m such a retard sometimes!”
Ouch.
Perhaps that’s too far off, let’s put yourself a little closer to your present self as say… 20 years off from now, where you’re now a working and capable adult and your child has just been born into the world of limitless possibilities and wonder.
And then the doctor informs you that there have been complications. It’s nothing you did, it’s nothing they did… it’s just one of those things, right?
Something strange happens from that point on, where you begin to see your child as a determined fighter, a winner, an against all odds victor over anything that the world can throw at them and you love them so much more for it. It wasn’t one complication… it was a life long complication that has only made you and your child stronger.
Over time, you start to realize that the strange thing that I referred to earlier is actually that your perception is no longer that of your friends….
Where they still see a disability, you see strength.
Where they see failure, you see success.
Where they see retard… you see your child.One day you try to get your child into a nice school in the neighborhood but they turn you away. They can’t accommodate your child and your child’s needs. Another parent is getting their child into the same school and asks why “that other parent and kid were turned away?”, the administrator tells them that your child has special needs and can’t be accepted. The kid, thinking you can’t hear, says “he wants to bring his disabled kid to this school? That’s retarded.”
Ouch.
The world hasn’t changed, you have. Now, instead of not giving that word a second thought… you do give it a second, third and fourth thought as it hurts you to the core.
It now means more to you than you ever thought it could… more than you ever thought it should.
And you speak up, and those kids don’t get you… they don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about a word that they’ve never given a second thought and in that instant, you see yourself in those kids. You see what you were missing.
So perhaps it doesn’t matter right now, perhaps it’s just a funny silly little word… but some day it will hurt. It will hurt a lot.
Whether it’s you, your child, grand child, cousin… friend… it doesn’t matter. One day you’ll hear someone use that word and it will hit close to home and it will bother you. It will bother you a lot.
It’s not a funny silly little word. It’s a stereotype. It’s a label. It’s a knife in the heart. And not to a stranger… to someone close to you, maybe even yourself.
You didn’t even give it a second thought.
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About the Author
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- From: stuartduncan
- Name: stuartduncan
- About Me: Work from home father with 2 boys, one with Autism and one without. Learning all I can as I push for Autism Understanding and Acceptance.
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Comments (21)
I disagree with you. I'm challenged these days, and I would say I'm retarded. It's just a diagnosis. You give words meaning. Prior to that, I'd been in special ed but overcame it, not that I can overcome anything. I can't remember things I want to. I couldn't read for six months. I still don't put stories together properly because I don't put things together with human emotions, which relates to memory. I still have difficulty feeling emotions, which tortures me. I'm pretty stupid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n-Id_xi2z8 I'll make them see this. I make losers grin and sad men win.
The real problem is that they've fostered worthlessness into our society for monetary gain. They keep us from living independent lives. It's like, this kid has restricted thinking patterns (that's what I call it) or like me suffers from memory problems, and he gets to skip all the bullshit in school and become whatever he is capable of.
They totally destroyed me for their pleasure.
welcome to the soviet union's logic. It was logical.
I like your blog. I don't think that there is anything wrong with the word retard, I think the real problem is that people use retard as a synonym for "stupid" and that's what hurts. I work as a Special Education Teacher and am happy to say that the Ban the "R" Word Campaign was a big hit in our entire school district! It really had the kids thinking about what they were saying. There is hope.
I feel like no one should use the R word towards a person,
and always be careful in public situations by watching your language ( bad words or the r-word) noticing others around you. I personally don't care about what others feel about me, but i don't want to start something. (if any of that makes sense idk) Thats just my opinion, plz dont shoot me down =)@Colorsofthenight@xanga - How do you feel when people call you 'Schizo'? How can that not offend you? It offends me to the core and I've blocked people who use it. It is the exact same with the R-word. People who are 'mentally ill' are the last remaining PEOPLE who can be regular victims of prejudice. How many people out there use the word 'crazy' when they really mean stupid? How many people use the word 'insane' when they really mean unbelievable. It's time for people to wake up to the needs of ALL people with mental disabilities, not just those who could be victims of the R-word.
To me I would never use this word to describe a genuniely cognitively or intellectually disabled person! In that context it would be entirely non-pc.
In my life experience, it's never been used like the 'n' word was used, it was a word that was the best people had, for a while, to describe a condition. Now we have better words and I use them if I'm describing a genuine condition.
I occasionally use the slang ar word to talk to a reasonably intelligent human being (within the mean average IQ in America or higher) who is talking like a dumbass. Probably not gonna change that, I don't have a problem with it and I'm actually a very PC person.
So this is your opinion, you're welcome to share it, I just don't agree that the word is anything like the vile n word.
@Shadowrunner81@xanga - How many people out there use the word 'crazy' when they really mean stupid? How many people use the word 'insane' when they really mean unbelievable.
I'm a reasonably PC person but I can see that these kinds of things will never be policeable on Xanga or anywhere else. I get called crazy at least 16 times a week. That's the preferred things that's supposed to upset me, rarely do I get called stupid, but neither of those bother me at all. it's the Xanga way!
It's a word, get over it. Words change meaning all the time. Unless it's being used to outright demean mentally ill people then I don't see a problem in using it.
As a person with a disability I understand where you are coming from but I disagree.
As bad as it might hurt some times to hear words like that so carelessly I think it makes you a stronger person.
It points out what you have to over come and if you hear it enough it will stop having such a strong meaning anyways.
I am honestly tired of people become so butt hurt because of words single words, like the r-word, the f-word, ect They mean something different to each person anyways.
My little brother has autism. I use retard as a regular word. It's just a word and really, my brother doesn't care! People that are "retarded" don't care. They have better things to think about.
@DivaJyoti@xanga - Hey, stupid! Hahaha. I had planned on leaving a comment describing, in a very eloquent fashion, exactly why I don't have a problem with the word "retard", but you beat me to it!
@amateurprose@xanga - thanks and hugs to my favorite retard on xanga!
i have charge sundromer. i am stuid amd retarded. i ahte mySelf i feel worthless and i cry and cry and cry all day. no one caresa biut me i am styud
The only people who I know who think the "retard" or "retarded" refers to mentally handicap people are the people who tell me, "Don't call them that." I'm never referred to mentally handicapped people as retards or retarded, so maybe you should stop also.
Furthermore, it may also be importance to teach kids or adults, whoever, not to take name calling to heart. I've had so many people tell me to treat handicap people just like any other person and being able to overcome meaningless name calling is a part of it.
The only way I know how to relate to this is my experience with my Dad dying of a heart attack. For a long time after, people would joke around and say, "no, I'm as serious as a heart attack!" At first, that bothered me. I was like, "heart attacks are not funny or something to joke around about." But I reacted like that because my grief was raw.
And it was raw for a long time. But there came a point in which I had to let go of the attachment of pain with those words. Because they are words. They weren't saying, "I'm as serious as when your Dad had a heart attack! Har har har!"
So I get where the sensitivity to particular words may come from. But I also think there may come a time when you might let go of the pain of *a word*. You are better off if you do. Because then, you won't have to hurt every time someone thoughtlessly uses it.
I used to be more along the lines of, "people will say what they want," but I realize now how embarrassing it was that I said, "That's so gay," all the time in 8th grade (not like I'm really blaming myself for the things I did at age 12). I try not to say, "Ugh, it was so retarded," or something like that, because when people say things like, "She's SO bipolar," I get annoyed. I understand now how it's annoying to hear stuff like that said. For me it's not so much that they want to use that word in their own context...it's that they're "getting it wrong," or not using it with the correct definition, sometime perpetuating stereotypes.
But in the end a word is a word and I can only let it bother me if I want it to. I've just been trying to lay off as a courtesy.
People these days are just way too sensitive. Just because you have a problem with saying retard does not mean everyone else should too. just because a 13 year old calls his friend retarded does not mean he hates special needs people. its just a word, live with it.
I don't put negative value in words. My God-Sister, who I grew up with every day, who I had to watch and who tagged along while I did nearly everything, is severely mentally handicapped. She was born with severe autism, and at 20 she has the cognitive abilities of an average 2 year old. No one in the family has ever hesitated to use the word retarded. Not once, not ever. Not in reference to themselves or anything else. Heather is mentally retarded, and that's the truth. Nothing we do or say can change that, but we've only ever referenced to her as being Heather. She has a disability, and we don't call her retarded.
I use it, and I refuse to let the sensitivity of others hinder my ability to use a word. YOU give that word a negative meaning. Perhaps if you stopped referring to people with handicaps as retards, then things would change.
OMFG..
Retard (ri-tahrd)
v. to make slow, delay the development or progress of; hinder or impede. To be delayed.
It's just a word. It's people like you that make sure everyone knows it's a negative connotation instead of just a friggin word, which means it's people like you that give the word power. But if you just ignore it & teach kids to be strong & ignore anything bad someone says then no word will have the power to hurt them! Stop being so damn sensitive, do what the rest of the world does & ignore the haters. Compared to a LOT of other hurtful words, this is pretty damn vanilla.
.
I believe in owning the word.
I have a brain that is sometimes retarded when sleep deprived, and remembering concepts 2 seconds before coming up with the word. My brain is sometimes retarded at remembering concepts, too-- 2-3 seconds after I start looking for them. Sometimes, my brain is retarded at remembering chores. I will prioritize things that are more important to me ahead of them, and put them off until I forget them entirely. My brain is definitely retarded at paying attention. If I'm doing a task that requires concentration, and my parents want me to listen to them, 2-3 seconds slowdown. Sometimes, I miss everything I need to know from what they're telling me...
Compared to somebody out there, most of us would be retarded at some point. If not, then someone else will consider that person as such. It DOES NOT mean that our brains are stinky. It simply means that others and ourselves can perceive our brains as flawed. I'm a monotheist, and my Deity-worshipping habits, as well as my Deity of choice, are sometimes considered.... Well, you know, by atheists. But none of us mere mortals are perfect. And even if we are immortal, somebody out there still considers our brains flawed. That's okay. What we need to do is stop letting the person who uses it in a negative way continue to do so.
"So what if I'm a retard? I tend to use my morals to evaluate my personal worth anyway. My brain's a brain worth having, even when it's slow or delayed. So's your's."