Wednesday, 25 January 2012
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Is my boyfriend autistic?
I met my boyfriend a few months ago through a friend at my University. I noticed strange behavior from him from day one but thought nothing of it. Now that he has moved away, I'm starting to question whether he is Autistic or not.
When I was introduced to him, he did not converse much, it was me who did most the talking but throughout the night I caught him staring at me often. He would blush and smile, either look away or say 'Hi, there.' This behavior intrigued me as he still continues to do this today, he could be in the middle of the sentence and he will just stop talking and stare at me for a bit before casually saying 'Hi beautiful, how are you?' When I had him meet my friends he did not speak or show interest in speaking unless he was personally addressed.When he was still living here, I visited his apartment numerous times. I learned that his clothing are ordered by colors and style. He keeps everything neat except for the table he studies on. His sleeping pattern is something I cannot understand. Sometimes he will sleep 3 hours at night then nap for 5 during the afternoon. Other times he will sleep the full night but still feel the urge to nap through the day. When we are in public he acts mature and conservative but when I'm alone with him he acts like a little kid, throwing fits and pounding on his pillow, shrieking, screaming and then finally puts his head down before looking back at me with a little kid smile.He recently had to leave back to the states because he was not doing well in his courses and he is unsure of what he wants to pursue. I know he most passionate about fine arts and photography but every time I try to discuss his future he cuts me off by saying he is already stressed and doesn't want to think about it.I'm getting really worried about him because he has absolutely nothing to do back home but stay home and play video games, this extra time is causing his depression to worsen and I feel him slipping from me day by day. He is terrible at communicating his emotions and will not tell me what he is thinking or feeling. Communication is important to me as it will tell me how to help him. I feel absolutely useless because I can do nothing for him. If my boyfriend is autistic, what can I do to help him? I'm torn over his lack of interest in me these days but at the same time I know he feels lonely back home and needs someone to always comfort him.
What could I possibly do?
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- From: strong_desires@xanga
- About Me: 5'8 University student. Time to look like a model.
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Comments (13)
A clear sign that your boyfriend is autistic (or, more likely, has Asperger's Syndrome since it's clear that he can function independently to a degree and live away from home) is if he is unaware about what emotions you or other people are experiencing. Does he say innappropriate things while being absolutely unaware that he has insulted the people around him? Does he talk on and on about subjects that are only interesting to him without any sort of regard as to whether the person he is talking to is also interested (this is a common symptom). Is he unaware if a person he is talking to is bored or uncomfortable or sad or angry or happy? You mentioned that he has tantrums. Are these tantrums usually in response to a change in routine- even a small change- or a variation in the daily schedule of events by which he lives?
I would say, judging from your description, that your boyfriend does have a mental disorder of some sort (though I should mention here that I am NOT a psychologist or therapist of any sort)... but I don't think he's on the spectrum. The fact that your boyfriend is aware enough of the emotions of others to act mature in public and save his tantrums for private means that he's probably not autistic. His varying sleep routines with no pattern are also a sign that he probably does not have an autism-related disorder. More likely he has severe ADD (the fact that he cannot concentrate on one area of study, apply himself to a major or even finish a sentence without being distracted is very suggestive of this) coupled with depression. You are a very good person to be concerned about his video-game playing and lack of drive. Your boyfriend needs some help and it might be good to start looking for social groups for ADD or Depression sufferers in his area. Try visiting this website here: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=crisis_hotlineinfo
I have a schizoaffective disorder and htat sounds more like me. Distracted. My cognitive abilities were the first thing to slip then I regressed then I lost normal emotions. I used to throw tantrums in my apartment over things like noodles. (I hate noodles.) My sleep patterns are abnormal because i go through manias.
Thank you for the response. To answer your first question, he will usually just randomly lose it even if nothing has led up to that point, I just always assumed because he was stressed out and depressed and that was the only was he can express it. However, his tantrum and pounding on the pillow is never violent or out of control, when he does this I am reminded of a little child that is upset over a disagreement. I did also consider aspergers as an alternative diagnosis, from what he has told me, he does have ADD and has been diagnosed with it but I think it may be more. In terms of his awareness of other peoples emotions, he does lack that ability, I often have to word out what I am feeling so he knows what mood I am in.. sometimes when I get frustrated he will stop speaking to me when I ask him why he is avoiding me he will respond 'I made you angry, or you were upset with me' but that's all I usually get from the apology. Finally, yes he does only speak about his own interest and hobbies and talents to people but on some occasions he will want to talk about other things not personally related to him. Thank you for the link and for your help! to@phoebester@xanga -
oh he freaks over dirt on his shoes! I will definitely look into schizo-effective disorder as well, thank you for that suggestion! @Colorsofthenight@xanga -
Have you considered asking him to seek professional help?
I've known people with autism, my friend is autistic and yet I'm not sure if I could make a good suggestion that might help. But just to try, maybe he should be taken to a psychiatrist so that he can be diagnosed that way for sure you know that he has autism (or anything else). And when a psychiatrist knows his diagnosis he could orient his family and yourself on how to "blend" in with his way of thinking. I hope this made any sense and I hope everything gets better between the two of you
First, its actually kinda offensive to refer to someone as "autistic" because it sort of dehumanizes indiviuals with Autism. Phrasing it that way makes it so that the "autistic" is the important part of the phrase, and is thus the major descriptor that dominates your bf. There are 2 different ways to communicate your question, they way you did "is my boyfriend autistic?" or the less offensive "does my boyfriend have autism?" Just thought I'd let you know so if you ever do approach him about it you can phrase what you are saying in a way that isn't going to upset him. "I think you're autistic" versus "I think you may be on the autism spectrum." The first one is almost accusing in nature.
Diagnosis for Autism isn't an exact science. It's based on family history, development of play, emotional functioning, social functioning, and language. It is actually a "spectrum" of disorders that includes Autism, Asperger's syndrome, and Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). Its entirely possible that he is on the spectrum, but there are a lot of other disorders that his symptoms may fall under as well. I would suggest trying to see if you can get him to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, or maybe just bringing up the topic in a casual non threatening way. Good luck!
Also, every individual with Autism is different, no two are alike.
For instance, you stated that you would notice him staring and you and he would see that and blush and get embarrassed. Someone on the spectrum is unlikely to notice that you are noticing his stares just by looking at the expression on your face.
Also people with autism sometimes don't respond to their name when called, which doesn't seem to be the case here when with friend's it sounds like its the only way to get him talking. It may just be that around other people he is more anxious and shy.
About the tantrums and things I feel like something else is going on there and he might want to seek some professional help for that, but he doesn't sound like he's on the spectrum at all to me. Have you tried talking to him about his tantrums and things before? If you are worried about communication on his side of things have you been sharing your concerns in regard to all this with him?
I wish you the best of luck with everything. I hope this helps!
I have a disability called dyspraxia, some of the comments being made (I know I am anxious and shy around people)
Communication is also a problem for me.
@davesprettylady@xanga - It not necessary to be politically correct about things like this. And trying to be politically correct is almost worse then just saying someone is autistic. My ASL professor at college is deaf, and if you saying "hearing impaired" she will let you know she is not hearing impaired, shes deaf... Trust me, first day of class someone said hearing impaired, and we got a five min lecture on how deaf people like to be called deaf, because that's what they are, deaf! People with autism, are autistic. People who cant see, they are blind, its not the end of the world its just what they are and I don't know about how the blind feel or other people with mental or learning disorders feel, but I definitely know that deaf people LOVE being deaf, the deaf community is beautiful. They are so proud of who they are. Which is so amazing <3
Thank you all for your responses and feedback.
I have an autistic fiance and aside from that she also has brain damage from a car accident. She has been getting frustrated a lot lately and I am not sure what to do or how to handle it. I am confused as to what I should do or how to act. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to help the both of us. She gets to the point of shutting down and I am not sure how to get her to boot back up. Any suggestions would be appreciated.