Thursday, 12 January 2012
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What I Wouldn't Give For Eye Contact
I’d give anything for a glance in my direction. I ache for it. All my other children will look into my eyes when I speak to them, but he won’t. It’s not by choice; he just can’t do it. Although he isn’t blind, a neurological condition does make it difficult, if not impossible.
How easily we take for granted that simple, little gesture. Yet, how significant its impact when it is lacking. I was always told that as a good listener you must give eye contact and other appropriate body language to let the speaker know you are paying attention. So, does that mean he’s not listening to me? Probably. Maybe. And if the eyes are truly the “windows to our soul,” will my son never be able recognize or acknowledge the true essence of another person?
Some adults inflicted with the same, mild form of autism as my son have been able to articulate their position on this (allegedly) essential, non-verbal communication skill. Their general consensus is that they can’t concentrate on what you are saying if they have to look you in the eye. It’s almost painful for them. But more than that, I imagine that they don’t really see the need for it at all. Just because we don’t think they are listening doesn’t mean they aren’t.
Neurotypicals, as the rest of us are called, must come across as being a really self-conscious bunch, always needing affirmation and validation, both verbal and non-verbal. It reminds me of a story of a mother who asked her teenage son with high functioning autism why he never tells her he loves her. “I already told you when I was seven; my feelings for you haven’t changed,” was his response.
So, why do I need eye contact from my son to feel that we have a bond or connection? It’s not his hang-up. At school they are teaching him to look people in the eye when they speak to him, and God love him, he is trying. Yet, sometimes it feels more like he’s looking through you, rather than at you.
So much pressure to put on such a small child who did not choose his Autism. If I didn’t have my other three children who are capable of providing eye contact, would it be harder for me to accept my son’s limitation? Would I be more desperate than ever for it? Or would I be able to come to terms with it sooner, being that it would be all I’d ever known?
Parenting a child with special needs forces you to adjust your expectations. This doesn’t always have to be negative, though. I’ve learned that what is important for me as a mother is to let my children love me anyway they know how. My oldest daughter has many ways of showing me love. She is very affectionate and tells me constantly that she loves me. We even butt heads frequently on many issues. This, too, is another way she shows her love for me, as a measure of trust. Even my two, young babies express their love for me. They cry when they see me leave the house, and then show such excitement upon my return.
My son shows his love for me, too, in his own special way. When I see him concentrating on his drawings or hear him laughing at his favorite cartoons, I know he is happy and, we are meeting his needs. Although his speech is improving, he still can’t quite communicate with me in the typical way. However, when he tells me the same knock-knock joke for the twentieth time in a row, I know he is sharing something important with me. He wants to hear me laugh with him. I know that he could have chosen to sit in his room, cocooning himself in his flannel Tigger sheet, with only his stuffed animals for companionship. No, he has chosen to be near me, rather than disappear into his own world. For this I am grateful. Eye contact, or no eye contact, I love him too.
By Jen Warwick
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- From: autismtoday
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Comments (12)
I have a horrible, horrible time looking people in the eye when I talk to them, and when they talk to me and I look them in the eye, I just can't help but feel like it's so forced that they don't think I genuinely care.
This is a really beautiful post! I especially love the part where you talk about your son telling you the same knock-knock joke over and over again, and what that means to you. He's a very lucky guy to have you for a mom.
I read a story once that likened having a child with special needs to going on a vacation and ending up in a place different from where you expected. While you expect to vacation on a sunny beach, you end up in Denmark, instead. And while it's not what you were planning on, you find out that it's just as great in its own way.
This is lovely.
I've had a hard time looking people in the eye since even Kindergarten. I never even noticed that it was something that was important to do, and now when I've done it lately, it's been a playact that I've re-enacted so many times that it just MIGHT (might) be something that is rather automatic now. But it still doesn't change the fact that even today, as a very accomplished Aspergian-tendencies adult, my eyes sometimes can't help but water when I make contact with another person's eyes. The same story has held with smiling, and with many facial expression in general. Contrary to popular belief that Aspergians are unemotional, or emotionally detached, I have learned recently, as a growing and constantly changing being, that actually it's quite the opposite, I am EXTRA-SENSATIVE, and I have a whole swath of emotions flitting behind the mask which is my face at times. If one is to read "Aspergirl", what I just said is reaffirmed in the book.... Which, by the way, is a very beautiful and inspiring book for an Aspergian woman to read.... Although Aspergian women seem to be rare....
Jen this is very sweet. Your tender mother loving is all he need to be like any other kid with or without disabilities =).
I love this post.I am also a mother of a special needs daughter.I have two what the world would call normal boys who are now young men,but my angel is going on 16.It took her forever to look at me in the eyes and I will never forget the first time she did.So I do know how you are feeling and understand how important it is to a mother.I still do not get her gaze all of the time and some days they are few and far between.I will be praying for God to help the communication between you and him to grow.My daughter can not speak and I long to hear her words just to say anything.She said mmmmmm and dddddd and bbbbbbb when she was 3 and only for a few months.I even miss that so much.But God lets her speak to me in my dreams.He lets me see her walking and running.Yesterday mourning he let me feel her hugging me in my sleep so tight.She is not able to wrap her arms around me but in the dream she had wrapped her arms around me so tight.I did not want to come out of that dream.So I do know how special those little things are and I will Pray that we both have those experiences more often God bless you sweetie
God bless you sweetie
Jewelry cardMetal labelFabric labelZip PullersBarcode labelI can not even imagine how difficult this would be. That eye contact is such a huge part of the bonding process that without it I would constantly wonder if I was having any impact at all on my child.
Jen you are such a sweet person. A really loving and compassionate mother to your children. They are truly lucky to have you. I adored this post. I worked with special needs kids before and know how much we value eye contact. I know the kids do appreciate me in their own way. They are aware of me and enjoy being around me. We do have to adapt our expectations, when bonding with these wonderful children. They know we love and care for them.
Bless you for being such an amazing human being! :)
Love.
You can shape up the behavior! I promise, you can, don't lose hope by believing that his developmental disability is just a part of who he is. I have worked with a child, who with two years of formal behavioral intervention (not focusing on just eye contact), will orient himself toward a speaker and attend as any other child would when they are reading a story to him. It's going to be hard work, but you have to give reinforcement for something simple first, such as orienting his body toward you when you call his name. Slowly, over time, you fade reinforcement for simply orienting toward you, and apply it to only eyes gazing in a particular area on your body. Then you can fade reinforcement for that, and only give reinforcement for eye contact.
I'm glad you do care so much for your son.. and his development. Try to stay positive and give an ABA approach a chance, you might see a miracle.
@CuriousMax@xanga - I don't think Aspergirls are so much rare as less noticed, it wasn't until after my diagnosis that my wife suspected my daughter might also have Aspergers. I think girls are better able to adapt to society.
My heart aches, because this is my exact feeling with my 3 year old son. <3 It breaks my heart, and sometimes I feel like its me, he doesn't love me, doesn't want anything to do with me, and yet its the complete opposite. He loves me with everything he can, he doesn't choose to "ignore" me.
And a lot of other people don't understand it. They think he is being the typical 3 year old. Its funny how most of the people who know off the bat that he is on the spectrum are those who are themselves, have kids/family members who are, or just work with kids who are. Everyone else I know, family, friends, etc, are just oblivious. And its hard to get them to think otherwise. :(