Tuesday, 06 September 2011
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It Stinks to be the Older Sibling with Special Needs
There is a certain stereotype to being a big sister. A big sister is supposed to be responsible, a role model and achieving. I feel as though I let my younger siblings down by not living up to this stereotype. I was in special ed. They had to help me.
Even from a young age, it was obvious that my younger sister was intellectually gifted. She scored high on her IQ test and was accepted into special schools. Meanwhile, I struggled with even the most basic of problems. I remember one time we were folding paper, and I couldn't figure out how to do origami. I spent two hours trying to make a little box when she'd figured out the problem within five minutes and had to come over to instruct me.
It got worse as each sibling popped out with gifts, usually in math and science, and I was stuck in the memory of failure, of being a disappointment. My siblings were sharp and prepared, organized and neat, and I was, well, a disappointing mess.
They didn't seem to view me like that and made up for my defects, delusions. They don't shove me off into a corner like several other people did growing up. It makes my heart hurt that they accept almost any bizarre thing I do.
Anyone else the awkward older sibling? How do your families deal with having the oldest being the "younger" sibling?
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- From: Colorsofthenight@xanga
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Comments (9)
I'm glad that your siblings were helpful and loving. Even so, I know that sometimes the younger sibling helping can still feel odd. My younger sister was always stronger than I was as a child, both physically and socially. She stood up to bullying better and had to defend me a few times, which was embarrassing for me. Eventually we evened out, but at the time it was frustrating to no end that my little sister could handle things better than I could.
Growing up, I was very gifted in music, but incredibly socially awkward. My younger brother was really popular and everyone thought he was super cool, and I was always the dork. It was hard on me, because I felt like I was always trying to make my musical abilities make up for my awkwardness, but it never really did. No matter how good I got at music, I never was the cool one. I was always the awkward one and nothing would ever change that. I thought I'd moved past that, but then he got married first, and I'd just had a major romantic disappointment, so all of those feelings came rushing back...
I often wonder. Sometimes we're not naturally messed up. Sometimes trying to fit some molded expectation is what messes people up. All it takes is to have a mind flow that it seems like nobody else can understand. I learned to read too early to remember who taught me. I was around 3.5 years old. My mother told me my older brother taught me, I just assumed I taught myself as I was so drawn to everything with words printed on it. I did my older siblings' math homework until I started doing my own. I believe that you were just not drawn to do what you were expected to do when you were expected to do it. I may have, or have had, OCD and that's what drew me in so strongly to reading and math as fun things to do. I also suspect it to be to ADHD as ying is to yang. Just guessing, but I suspect that one who displays signs of ADHD when presented with not most favored subjects will probably show signs of OCD when opportunities (s)he is interested in arise. There were simple things that I felt I simply could not do, even though I could figure out how,
Just stop being so critical of yourself, and find a road to life through your natural interests and abilities. You may have to get some people to compromise with you at certain steps, but they're just speed bumps. Patience is key; and sometimes more abundant when we're less materialistic; though I guess understanding of other factors (such as others' level of understanding and acknowledgment) helps in this regard.
I fit that stereotype of the older sister, responsible, etc, and believe me it's not easy, it's difficult as hell. I wish in ways that I had been in your position, because they would be less demanding of me, to be so responsible. Being a big sis is really... stressful sometimes. Glad that they accept you for who you are (any good family would) and love you no matter what you are/aren't.
This is so sad!
@Surrylic@xanga - I agree. I love Sarah and wish she could appreciate herself fully.
@jasonwl@xanga - I couldn't have said that better myself. Great advice for her.
I can't do origami very well either. All my attempts end up deformed, or nowhere because it confuses me.
AND It's kinda awkward how incredibly shy I am compared to my younger siblings. :\My two with autism are the oldest. I expect my youngest (5 now) to be too old to try to decrease my burden, mostly by just not being so 5. When I'm not embroiled in a stressful situation, I'm grateful he fights back. It is never easy, no matter where you are to be the one with difficulty or to be the one with a sib. My sister is 8 years older and has reading and math LD. I have a high degree and a high paying job and she's on disability. I feel terrible for her and try to make it up, but there's no adequate compensation. I always feel guilty and she always feels pitied. I don't know how to make it work. I've just decided nearly everyone has it hard and I'm not alone.