I didn’t want to quit my job. I had zero desire in staying home with my baby. I would drop her off at the sitter’s house, spend my day with a group of teenagers, and get her at the end of the day for a late afternoon and evening that I appreciated and loved because I hadn’t seen her all day. She was perfect. She hardly ever made a noise. She nursed and ate no problem. She lay on a blanket and never fussed. She slept through the night. I thought I had done it all right. She had one ear infection at six months and one case of bronchitis at four months. That was it.
I was very excited about having an entire summer off with her. In the fall I was going to transfer with my boss to a new middle school. After seven years of teaching I was finally going to have the perfect set up: a great daycare center, a new house, a perfect middle school job. Then one morning in July I woke up and a voice told me “Quit.” I told the voice I didn’t want to quit, but it said it again, “Quit.” Are you kidding me? I had devoted my entire young adult life to teaching teenagers and older elementary students Spanish and this small voice was telling me now to quit? After I had finally arrived as much as a middle public school teacher could?
I had already moved all my boxes from one school to the new one. That meant I was going to have to move everything again and have my boss find a new teacher. Then there was the thing about all the other teachers I loved seeing. What was I going to do? No, I can’t quit. I love my job and running after school and buying clothes at Ann Taylor… and don’t forget the books on tape, I need to listen to my books on tape when I commute to work. One of my aunts always scrutinizes me because I have time to read novel after novel and she can’t figure out how I do it but I listen on tape….ha ha ha. If I stay home I’ll wear sweat pants, eat chocolate, and watch The View. No thank you small voice, I like my life just the way it is…
.
QUIT!!!!!
So I decided that I could go over to the school, but my principal wouldn’t be there. My very first boss was psycho and militant, but Matt wasn’t that way. I never heard him raise his voice ever. Not once in the four years I dealt with him. Maybe he won’t be there. Maybe he took his family to the beach. Yes, I’ll drive over there and I‘ll check in and he won’t be there or if he is he will tell me I can’t quit because they won’t be able to find anybody else to do the job. I was in my car and I didn’t want to drive there. But the car went left when I should have gone right. Then I was in the parking lot. Ahhhh this is the brand new building that I’m going to be working in. I have a big classroom with windows and a dvd player and a computer. I get smaller classes and textbooks that aren’t bent up to hell. Frances was quiet in the back seat. Not screaming, not cooing. She was such a good baby. I took her out of her seat and went in the main doors that weren’t falling apart.
My principal was right there in the front lobby-like he had been waiting for me. I was holding my baby and she wasn’t clinging back on me. She didn’t show any interest in the school, didn’t show any fear in my boss. It wasn’t too late to tell him I had come to unpack my classroom. It wasn’t too late to say I wanted the teacher’s manual to my new text book. It wasn’t too late to get back in the car and push her in the stroller around the mall looking for clothes or pop her in the baby jogger and run three miles around the lake.
“QUIT!” damn that voice..
“Hey Matt, do you have a second? I need to talk to you.” Say no, you don't have time, you are getting ready to go to a very important meeting at Central Office. Or even better, you are going to go home and watch a World Cup qualifying match and you need to leave right now...
“Let’s go to my office.”
I really thought he would say no, I really thought he would tell me not to go, that he couldn’t live without me teaching at his new school. I put Frances on the floor of his office. She was nine months old and she lay on the little blanket. She didn't sit up. She didn't crawl. She was not looking at us, and not curious about where she was, being quiet. I was so lucky I had such a good baby.
“Page you won’t get this time with her back. Let me get the paperwork for you.” QUIT! I can still hear the voice...
And with two signatures, I was a stay at home mom with the best baby in the whole wide world, because she never made a peep or got off her blanket. Never lit up when I or her father walked in a room. Never acted nervous or curious. But ate and slept through the night. I had such a good baby. I was nervous about the new role, but excited at the same time.
The voice surely had a reason it wanted me to quit....
Can you already see the flags my 29 year old self missed???
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