Monday, 20 June 2011
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He Gives Our Kids Therapy Behind My Back
Last blog was about my husband driving me nuts. And I found out why! He's normally annoying with his rough tickling and nipple pinching...but like you guys suggested I fight back...and boy do I! lol...he's gotten pinched, kicked, twisted, etc...but he gets off on that so it kinda backfires on trying to get him to quit. Anywaysss...I found out why he was being a downright ass! It was out of guilt. When he does things he knows will upset me he puts up a wall and acts like an ass...I guess it is his defense mechanism or something. But like clockwork the truth eventually, always comes out. And this time, well there were fireworks but not the kind you would enjoy.
So what did he do? Well two of our children have been spending a couple of weeks with his parents and apparently him and his parents have been doing things behind my back knowing that I am against said things. Examples: my daughter who is three and a bit delayed is in the middle of doing different therapies like speech and adaptive p.e. (stuff to catch her up). My inlaws suggested this oxygen chamber therapy in the event she has autism, which she has not been diagnosed with. I said "well the info I found on it so far says further studies need to be done. i would really like to talk to a few doctors about it first. Anyway if she doesn't have it, why would I treat her for it?" Well guess what they did behind my back? Put her and my son who is two in a damn chamber! Now on to my two year old son who sleeps in his own bed and has a specific bedtime...they put him and my daughter in their bed with them, which i specifically said not to do. you can easily mess up a two year olds bedtime like that. then at the end of the two weeks they had them for they pulled a bullshit excuse that they thought we were coming up there to get them (which we never said so I don't know how they got that) so they could keep them another week.
Now when they pulled their excuse about keeping them another week I was aggravated and annoyed...but I was like "ok, i'll let it go." But guess when I found out about the other stuff??? this past weekend when my husband's guilty conscience took over. Boy, was I livid! my husband said "why are you acting all crazy?" to which I replied, "I am not acting crazy, I'm acting pissed because i'm PISSED!" He just didn't get that it upset me that they went behind my back and did things they knew I was against.
Okay sorry about ranting but here is the issue: I believe his parents should respect my decisions about my kids and not go behind my back and do them anyway...and if I don't address this they'll just keep doing it. But my husband just doesn't see how they were wrong. His problem is that he can't stand up to them because they're his parents and he doesn't want them to "disown" him or something. Let me tell you...after living with them and listening to them I can't feel bad. His dad has told him numerous times that he's a piece of shit and he doesn't love him and he's glad he's not his father (my husband is adopted). So basically my husband just doesn't argue with them because if something doesn't go their way then they throw a huge fit. And if I would tell you the things that have gone down and been said you would probably be appalled (but that would take a long time). My inlaws are not the parents of my kids...I am, and they need to get that through their heads!
I don't have a problem telling them where to go and how to get there. They stepped over the line...far over and I don't think I should just let that slide. I'm not asking what i should tell them...because believe me I know what to tell them. But as far as my husband goes...I don't expect him to be hateful towards them or forget about them. I just want him to grow a pair and stand up for himself and for us...and if he can't do it then let me. But he is their doormat. I want to work this out if that's even possible, but I don't want to be dealing with this for twenty miserable years before I finally say "I'm done." i know it's probably going to take awhile to get him to see what i see, but I'm willing to try.
This is what I need from you guys: should i just keep fighting tooth and nail to get him to see what they're doing? should i just give in (don't see that happening)? should i just go ahead and talk to them even though he doesn't want me to? do you think there is any way to get us on the same page when it comes to this issue?
I am trying to be calm about this, but how can I let my kids visit them alone again if I can't trust them? I can deal with the nipple pinching but I can't deal with the sucking of the momma tit! He's 23. It's time to grow a pair, don't you think?
So friends....what would you do if you were in my place?
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About the Author
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- From: lemons_to_lemonade@xanga
- Name: lemons_to_lemonade
- Location: New Orleans, Louisiana, United States
- About Me: I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I'm usually for the most part pretty honest. If you want to know something then ask, but don't get mad if you don't like the answer. Life is too short to go through it unhappy, and if you figure out how to do that please let me know. I'm sarcastic and sometimes upfront and rude, but every question deserves an answer. I'm tired of giving people what they want. I'm constantly searching for an answer when I'm not even quite sure what the question is. I firmly believe that if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And I don't think I should be the one to have to change to make someone else happy. This is me, take it or leave it.
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Comments (31)
I don't know, nor understand your history, but if your husband is pinching your nipples and you don't like it, he should stop without giving it a second thought. Think about that actually... if he cares nothing for what you say now, he'll never care about what you say.
Good luck! I doubt your husband will ever look at his parents differently, if they say that stuff to him he will always be trying to win their approval. I'd try marriage counseling first, since you seem to want to try something. But being where I am in life, I really want to say... leave him and find a nicer man, one who won't do something to your body you don't like.
I happen to agree with the other commentor. If your husband is hurting you during sex and u don't' like but he continues, there is something very wrong. Noone has a right to hurt you at anytime in your life especially someone who is supposed to care about you. There is more going on here with your husband than I think you care to admit. You need to get some counseling on how to deal with him.
As far as your in-laws, give them hell. It is not their children and not up to them. The fact that your husband chose to follow what they wanted instead of keeping the agreement with you again shows major trouble i your marriage. Your husband also needs help.
Personally if your in-laws went behind your back knowing you didn't want something done and bullied your husband into doing it, then quite frankly I wouldn't let them near your children ever again. I have cut off family for less when my children were concerned.
I'm surprised the inlaws have the authority to give any kind of therapy to your children without them having legal custody of the children. I would raise all holy hell. And honestly? The issues with you and your husband don't sound healthy in the slightest. You have to think about what kind of an example you are setting for your children, to show them what is acceptable behaviour towards a woman.
I would never, ever let anyone do anything to my kids without my consent.
In my family, if something negative were to happen to me, the ramifications for that person would likely not be legal. We're very protective of one another- not that it restricts my independence. I had few rules growing up and developed my own to live by.
Honestly, if my parents or my inlaws pulled that with my kids they just wouldn't see them anymore. Simple as that. I'd chastise my husband and tell him HE should get therapy for having to live with people like that. (My fiance's adopted, so I understand why he'd fear being disowned...) Rather than flip out and alienate him though, I suggest you let him know why you're angry, why his behavior isn't acceptable (he's letting his baggage effect the upbringing of your and his children), let him know you'll be pissed for awhile, but that you'll forgive him. Accepting him would be better, despite his major screw-up- and it IS a major screw up. No one goes behind a mother's back and doesn't deserve punishment.
@TiredSoVeryTired@xanga - @Elise @amyunicorn@xanga -@TresLumineux@xanga - - The beginning of this post was actually a refrence to a previous post I had written about how my husband drives me crazy sometimes when he gets on an annoying spell where he tries to pinch my nipples or tickle me (to him it's tickling, to me it's not). But no he doesn't hurt me during sex. Really it's all just play fight, but it can get annoying.
I recently discussed the issues concerning his parents with my husband, and we have narrowed it down to the main problem. He doesn't like telling his parents no because they turn everything into a fight. I told him he's going to have to suck it up. I also told my in-laws that our kids are no longer allowed to go on visits without me or my husband there...they're response: I am being ridiculous and unfair and am just trying to get rid of them. So right now they're trying to drill into my husband's head that I'm the one causing problems and I'm just too hard to get along with.
They had told me a trained technician was present the whole time during the therapy, and I asked them what kind of technician lets children receive treatment without a parent's consent. They had no answer for that except that I am denying treatment to my child. I guess with some people you just can't win.
It sounds like you have a dysfunctional relationship with both your husband and his parents. Stand up for yourself and your children.
I read the previous post you mentioned, and my opinion is the same as many above, but tweaked. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD NOT TOUCH YOU IN ANY WAY THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AND/OR HURTS YOU. Yes, I put that in all caps. Why? Because you need to understand that what he is doing is WRONG. You may see it as cute and playful and a little annoying, but that doesn't make it right. He is teaching your son that his behavior is acceptable, and someone else may find it more than just annoying.
As for your in-laws. STAND YOUR GROUND. Under NO circumstances should you give in. Given your husband's compliance in their treatment of you and your children, I would go one step further and say that you must be present in order for the children to visit, but that is just me. I don't think your husband can be trusted to respect your wishes, especially given his track record of doing things that make you uncomfortable and/or upset you. He has already proven (in my mind) that he will give into his parents, especially when it comes to your children. If you don't stand your ground now, they will continue to walk all over you until you finally snap. How do I know? I've been there. My ex was the same way with his parents. It was like there were four people in the relationship, not just two, and I finally had enough. It was one of the major reasons I broke up with him in the first place.
As for your in-laws treatment of your husband. That is a battle only he can fight. What you can control is how they treat you and your children. You said he is 23, right? He is still pretty young, and given that he is adopted, a lot of those fears are still there, obviously. No one wants to be a failure in the eyes of their parents, and from what you've told us here, it seems like this kind of behavior has been going on for a while, if not for most of his life. That is going to be hard to overcome. I don't know how long you two have been together, but nagging on your part isn't going to help the situation.
You need to explain to him that while it is his decision how he lets his parents treat him, you will be making sure you and your children are protected from their attacks, and you will be MORE than willing to support him when he finally decides to tell them where they can shove it. But HE has to make that decision for himself, and it is your primary responsibility to protect your children, so until he is ready to do that, you will be in charge of how your parents interact with your children.
Basically, he needs to understand that his relationship with his parents is hurting his wife and kids, and your not going to put up with it, because if you put up with it now, they will walk all over you until you do something about it. Better now, while the kids are young, than when they are older and understand better.
@DreamsEscapeMe@xanga - That really hits the nail on the head. Just recently I let them know how I feel about what they did and told them that until they respected me as a parent and followed my wishes there would be no more unsupervised visits. I did say my husband or I had to be there. I understand what you're saying how I might not be able to trust my husband either, but I figure if they go against my wishes while he is present then I'll know for sure, and then there will be no more visits period. I told my husband almost exactly the same thing you said about if we don't put a stop to it now it will only get worse. I think deep down he knows it and knows their behavior is unacceptable, but he's too scared and confused on how to deal with it. They didn't use to be this bad. It's been within the last year that they have been really out of hand.
He really needs to talk to a professional about the inner struggle he is having with this, but he doesn't like that kind of stuff. He doesn't like being vulnerable. He doesn't realize how much of a tough spot I'm in as well. I want his parents to have a good relationship with him and all the kids, but I'm not willing to just let them run the show. lol..I just wrote a blog about what happened when I confronted his parents.
My husband and I love each other and I know if I was having these issues with my mother he would be there for me. He would trust me to handle it, and I want to do that but I just don't think he can handle it by himself yet. I'm not ready to give up on him. Even if we don't work out as a couple I want him to realize that he can be a strong person and his parents shouldn't walk all over him. I just wish I could understand why they think so little of me.
@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - First of all, congrats on speaking up for yourself. As far as giving your husband a chance to prove to you that he has your best interests at heart, do what you need to do. If you think he will prove me wrong, I say go for it. I'm just a pessimist who has been trampled on one too many times, and I'm more than a little jaded when it comes to giving people second chances.
I'm definitely NOT saying give up on your husband. What I am saying is, in my experience, my ex didn't appreciate me pushing him to change his relationship with his parents, even though I had the best of intentions. I know how painful it is to watch someone you love get trampled on by people who say they care about that person, and not be able to do anything about it. I would encourage you to go to counseling, even if he won't go. At least that way one of you is looking at the picture with a clearer perspective.
He will come around in time, but I found out (way too late, I might add) that pushing the issue just makes him resent you more, rather than change the relationship with his parents. It took me walking out on our relationship and telling him I never wanted to see him again for my ex to finally stand up to his parents and tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. I'm not saying that is what you should do, but I do know that pushing him to change doesn't work either. He has to want to change.
@DreamsEscapeMe@xanga - I really hope it doesn't come down to me having to leave him to get it through his head. I want him to understand so bad, but I am trying to calm down with the nagging. The only reason I did confront them was because my husband told me to go ahead. I'm trying to get my point across but not aggarvate or hurt my husband in the process. So difficult...but thank you for taking time and giving me such great advice and reassurance. I really appreciate it.
@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - I don't think it will. I should mention my ex ended up committing suicide, so he wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to begin with, which made my situation a million times more effed up than anything else.
And you are welcome. I'm a lot like you. I don't like watching people make poor decisions, especially when the right one is so clear to us, so I speak up a lot, probably more than I should. I call it foot in mouth syndrome
I'm confused by this. What exactly does nipple pinching have to do with your in-laws overstepping their boundaries?
Anyways, if I were you, I would ask the in-laws to stop and if they don't, bring them to court.
DO NOT GIVE IN. If you do they will just keep doing shit like this! take your kids and run if he can't pull his head out of his ass. YOU are his family BEFORE his parents, he made that choice when he married you. this alone would earn my in laws a complete cut off from my family, COMPLETE. NEVER ENDING, IRREVERSABLE CUT OFF.
If you are a member of cafemom.com, I HIGHLY suggest you join a group called "my MIL is a crapburger"
there are lots of experienced and intelligent women in there that have dealt with extreme inlaw situations and can give you some great advice.
@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - "The beginning of this post was actually a
refrence to a previous post I had written about how my husband drives me
crazy sometimes when he gets on an annoying spell where he tries to
pinch my nipples or tickle me (to him it's tickling, to me it's not).
But no he doesn't hurt me during sex. Really it's all just play fight,
but it can get annoying."
I didn't think it was during sex. I stand by my statement that as your husband who claims to love you, he should not touch you in a way that you don't like. I doesn't matter if to him it's just tickling... to you it is not and that's what matters here. Good luck!
Well part of the problem is you guys are so young. His pinching and rough tickling is part of an age thing most of the time. I used to do that when I was his age. I grew out of it for the most part depending on the women I dated. Some people like that and some people don't.
The grandparent thing is rough. I would tell your husband they can no longer see the kids alone: period. Until they both apologize to you (to your face), then visits are supervised by you. However, there is a bit of me says that you may be adverse to hearing about any other treatments. I could be wrong. I do know that them doing it behind your back is shitty and manipulative. As an uncle I love teaching my nephews things, but I respect my sister's religious guidelines and her no cussing rules, even though all my friends with their kids are not that way and it grates on me so. It's her kids.
Your husband is the route of the problem. You guys need couple therapy straight and simple.
Tell 'em like it is.
If you give in they will never respect your rules and boundaries. If those were my kids, their grandparents would be at risk of not seeing them again, and they absolutely would NOT be allowed to babysit or have my kids overnight, much less for weeks at a time. Hell. No. Respect MY rules for MY children or fuck off.
I am recently going through some counseling and parenting sessions with a marriage and family therapist and it seems as though you and your husband should do the same. With the things I've been learning in counseling, it seems as though your husband was and is being mentally abused by his adoptive parents. Also show your support for him by being there during the counseling sessions just so he doesn't feel like he has to be vulnerable by himself.
As for your in-laws, you should really stand your ground. You are your kids' parents, not them. I would actually raise hell with the company that did the oxygen chamber therapy in the first place. Unless your in-laws are also considered their legal guardians, that clinic should not have put your kids through any type of therapy. I'm just saying.
It's going to be a long road, but you sound like a great mom. Hope you get this all straightened out.
Holy.. I'd be furious. you're justified...
@DraigStudio@xanga - my inlaws think that i am denying my daughter treatment by not wanting her to do the oxygen chamber therapy. she already participates in speech therapy, special ed therapy, OT, and adaptive PE, but they think all of those are a waste of time. I looked into the oxygen therapy and it says it can be used to treat autism but my daughter hasn't been diagnosed with that. if she is, i would be more willing to look into it. but i think treating people for things they don't have is why some are hypochondriacs (my husband's parents are ones actually, which might explain their obsession with it).
honestly though the last thing i want to do is deny my daughter something that will help her. in this case i honestly believe their motive is to have an excuse to have her up there (they're 5 hours away from us) as much as they want. they are obsessed with her and pretty much desperate to have any way to have her up there as much as possible...i could tell you all about it but it would take awhile lol. i just don't want you to think i'm just being closed minded to it because they suggested it.
Twenty-three? He's still a baby. I can't give advice; I didn't read the bulk of it because of the grammar.
This is so dysfunctional that by the time it was over I was like, wtf? Play fighting is only fun when both partners enjoy it, anything other than that is just annoying and childish. But the real issue are the children. The in laws are not to blame because their father gave them permission. He is the one to blame and it sounds like he doesn't take you too seriously and besides saying how you feel, what else can you do besides leave him? You asked what would we do and I can be honest about what I would do, I would flip the hell out and if my husband is too much of a coward to stand up to his parents then I would do it for him but I would also realize I'm fighting a losing battle because if it happened once with the father permission, behind your back, it'll prob. hap[pen again in which case I'd leave him.
Nipple pinching. Haha. Ow.
@lemons_to_lemonade@xanga - I'm an ex-therapist, and my experience is with kids with Autism and Developmental Disorders. I'm going to share something with you - HBOT, when it works at all, requires dozens of treatments to take effect, and could damage your daughter's hearing and/or vision. Were your hubby and the grandparents planning to conspire to sneak her off for another 30-40 unauthorized treatments behind your back?
Find out where they took her for treatment, call, and tell the center what's going on. Make sure they know the grandparents don't have guardianship, that your daughter has a diagnosis and that it isn't Autism, and that if they ever treat her again without you present, you'll be calling a lawyer to discuss your options. Hold your ground with the grandparents, because they have no idea what the crap they're doing; and while their intentions may be well-meaning, they could seriously hurt your baby. You can tell them that.
Good luck.