Sunday, 01 May 2011

  • Do people with aspergers have trouble getting along?

     

    I don't claim to be an expert on this; it's a mere observation based on experience.  I am under the belief that any two people with aspergers will in most circumstances not get along with each other.  The reason why is because people with AS are prone to being annoying and at the same time are easily annoyed, which of course turns two people against each other.  

    I'm the only one in my family who has been diagnosed, but I can be certain other members of my family have AS, and these particular family members annoy me to no end.  Take the uncle I split rent with for example.  He is a total basket case.  First of all, he obsesses over football to the point where he always has to wear a football jersey and talk about coaches and stats and gameplays all the time.  Even among avid football fans in the family, it gets excessive.  I believe that's the least of his problems though.  I get annoyed when he's constantly hogging the kitchen, and he throws a temper tantrum for something like not cleaning the counter well enough.  In fact, he called my mom late at night to yell and gripe at her just because I didn't clean a pan well enough to his liking.  Then there's other things, like we have to keep the blinds open because it "saves electricity" (yeah, about two bucks per month maybe).  He has his own issues, and really likes to burn bridges with people by cussing them out over the phone and acting like a hothead.  At least he doesn't play racketball anymore.  I guess I am afraid because of his condition, I'm going to end up like him when I'm 50-something - not married, without friends, no good job, etc., even though he did make a lot of bad choices in life, some of which landed him in jail.  Then there's my mom, who overly obsesses over me and likes to control everyone in the family.  I can't even take her to church with me because she complains about EVERYTHING.  

    Then there are other people.  Sure, I may have some friends with AS.  I have at least one friend who I know has AS.  For others, it's hard to tell whether they have it or not.  However, I went to dinner once with this one autism/aspergers group from college, and these were people I would not hang out with on a regular basis.  

    I'm pretty shocked to reach this conclusion myself.  I mean, I would think that one person with AS would make great friends, maybe even make a great relationship with someone else with AS, but it's appearing that the exact opposite is true.

    Have you reached the same conclusions?     

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Comments (6)

  • LovelyMizzLisa@xanga

    Thank you for pointing this out. My daughter who 16 has AS. I allowed her to move with her father last year and when we talk on the phone she never has anything nice to say about her father. He's always losing his jobs, can't keep a girlfriend (kind of a stalker/obsessed man), smokes pot, and is real annoying (reason we are not together). They bicker and fight a lot, so my daughter tries to avoid her father. I'm wondering if I should have her come back home, but at the same time I want her to learn how to deal with difficult people. 


    Thank you again, this was very helpful. 
    Mizz Lisa
  • Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga

    @LovelyMizzLisa@xanga - The problem is living with a person who gets on your nerves just makes you think lowly of that person.  It's horrible.  Before I moved in with my uncle, I used to enjoy his company when I saw him every so often.  As soon as I moved in with him, I discovered a lot of annoying intricacies about him and now I never talk to him anymore.  My dad makes the same point about learning to deal with difficult people though, because you're going to have to sometimes in the workplace.
  • littleprofessor@xanga
    Let's see, lots of aspies lack the social skills to back off when they start getting on someone's nerves -- they either don't notice any problem or once they start going they don't switch gears easily and so they keep on going way over the line.  This could be a real problem for relationships as you noted.  On the other hand many aspies don't mind clearly delineated walls.  Thus they can make explicit rules: (1) during agreed upon sleeping and study times each party agrees to wear headphones or keep the volume turned down; (2) neither person is allowed to interrupt the other one while talking, but they can signal them to wrap up their point in a minute or less so that both people have a chance to talk; (3) etc.  The best time for making such rules is NOT during the middle of a disagreement.  By establishing ground rules for a relationship, a comforting order and structure can be set up.  It promotes stable relationships.  Good social skills can be learned (sometimes they never will make sense and practices need to be merely mimicked according to learned social rules).  Bad habits take time to break. Aspies who find shared interests with other aspies (e.g., at college many engineering or computer majors connect) have a real opportunity to make a relationship work.  Some aspies may choose to avoid direct personal relationships, but may be happy with on-line relationships (whether or not these are an adequate substitute is a subject for another blog).  That allows them to tune out others when it gets to be too much.  Back to your question: in-family relationships have their own complexities, so I wouldn't generalise from them.  I'm guessing for most-high functioning and basically mature aspies relationships with other aspies pose no insurmountable problems.  For lower functioning or younger ones I'd agree that they may need someone to help as a traffic cop in laying down some mutually beneficial ground rules.  -- sorry so long, but I think the answer is somewhat complex.
  • SavonDuJour@xanga

    "...lots of aspies lack the social skills to back off when they start getting on someone's nerves -- they either don't notice any problem or once they start going they don't switch gears easily and so they keep on going way over the line".  


    You know me???
    Seriously though that when two people get together and that is how their personalities are it can be very grating indeed.  I don't know how you can make rules for it since part of the problem is neither might notice the problem developing and just keep going.
  • raspberryjade@xanga

    I don't think you're going to end up like him, because you're aware of your condition and can see that he's being over-the-top and know that's not something you want to be.


    I definitely agree with two people too similar not getting along very well. my sister is pretty much exactly like me (ADHD and OCD and all) and though a lot of times we get along great, when we fight we FIGHT!
  • anonymous

    @LovelyMizzLisa@xanga - "I allowed her to move with her father last year and when we talk on the phone she never has anything nice to say about her father. He's always losing his jobs, can't keep a girlfriend (kind of a stalker/obsessed man), smokes pot, and is real annoying (reason we are not together). They bicker and fight a lot, so my daughter tries to avoid her father. I'm wondering if I should have her come back home, but at the same time I want her to learn how to deal with difficult people."

    Teaching someone how to deal with difficult people doesn't require putting that person in the custody of a stalker!  Your wondering if you should have her come back home is a step in the right direction...

    @raspberryjade@xanga - "I don't think you're going to end up like him, because you're aware of your condition and can see that he's being over-the-top and know that's not something you want to be."

    Yes!

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