Saturday, 19 February 2011
I wanted to share this post on a public forum to see if anyone felt the same way with their conditions and experience the same trouble.
When I was really young and growing up, getting through grade school and whatnot, my mother had me take days off from school just to see certain specialists. I think this all began when I acted up all the time in Kindergarten. My overly obsessive and overbearing mother wanted to see what was wrong with me. At the time, I just took it all at face value; I didn't care or wonder why I was going to these meetings and saw it just as an opportunity to get out of school, where I didn't want to be because I'd rather be at home playing video games or watching Nickelodeon. Tying into that, I think my mother also found it strange that heaven-forbid I wasn't into playing sports back then, even though they tried to get me into sports I hate playing to this day (i.e. soccer).
I was diagnosed with aspergers in 4th grade, but things started hitting me hard as soon as I got into middle school as I realized how socially-avert I was. From there, things just got worse. The knowledge that I have aspergers and knowing what it is has really taken a toll on my life. It didn't help that my mother had to etch in my brain that I have it and continued to make me go to counseling sessions in high school.
The reason why I wish I was never diagnosed is that I can never see myself as a normal, functioning person. I am always feeling negatively about my life because of it to the point where I would even list things I would rather have than aspergers, such as colon cancer, AIDS, typhoid fever, etc. At least life wouldn't be playing a joke on me then. I feel as if I am cursed and plagued by this "disease" to the point that it has given me suicidal thoughts. I mean, how can you live life when you can't enjoy what most others can enjoy because you're "disabled"? Like I can go through college and pass whatever tests they give me and get degrees and whatnot, but I can't land good jobs because I don't have ideal personal and communication skills. Likewise, I can never land a relationship, let alone a good one with a girl I like. But is it because I truly have bad communication and social skills, or is it the negativity that's etched in my brain telling me that because I have aspergers, I'm going to lose before I even try and shouldn't even bother? That's the first thing that comes to mind whenever I'm in a group setting or am trying to prepare for a job interview or career fair or even preparing to impress some girl: I have aspergers and thus I have a high risk of failure because I am by instinct socially inept, even though I don't have that serious of a case of it. It's like having a developed mindset that you could never curb your alcoholism or your eating disorders because you believe those things are a disease you have no control over. As a result, I keep making excuses for myself based mainly on the aspergers as to why I should be risk-avert, and I have developed this great negative attitude about myself, even though I know it's wrong to do that and that it's "all in my head".
I would like to write more on this, but I will leave it open to discussion.