Friday, 24 December 2010
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To the mothers of AS children from an AS
I have noticed that much of the public postings on Autisable come from mothers of children who are on the spectrum. My mom is my personal hero and, for Christmas, I would like to share a little about our relationship.
My mom and I haven't had it easy. Since the beginning I believe she was determined to love me, an adopted son, and I was/am hopelessly ill-equipped to return her love. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and even a few others as it happens, but wow, one can really get caught up in one's own world - mom never stopped loving me though, even when I probably made her feel like I could have cared less.
Looking back, as an older person, I can be shocked by memories of my behavior that, at the time, just didn't seem unusual at all. There were times when what was in my head was so big that it just seemed to push out any concern for others. It wasn't that I couldn't care about other people, I just always felt a sensation like 'Gotta get myself right first' - and the right feeling never came. There were times I was mad or sad that I made my mother cry and it was the ultimate frustration. I never wanted her to cry or hurt because I knew in my gut that it meant something different for her. I would rage or cry at her about something that frustrated the living crap out of me, made me nuts, but she would cry because she loved me and she suffered for me.
In my mind, love is just a given. Who needs flowery gestures and words. If you love me, I guess I figure I will probably figure it out and I will usually love right back. I love being loved like anyone else. What's sad is I guess that I do experience it a bit differently than NTs. The words 'I love you' can be a bit hard for me to say because they are just words to me, and the act of saying 'I love you' can feel like just that - an act, even when I love the person deeply. I don't barely ever see or talk to my 3 brothers and 1 sister/brother-in-law, but I love all of them dearly.
Hugs are not unpleasant, but still a bit weird to me. Reassurance of love for me has always been when my mom still responded to my phone calls and emails even after a total freakout, or after years and years of depressed negativity. I cannot say the same for the rest of my family or most of my friends.
Recently, something did change for me, I got educated about autism and wound up on the spectrum. I realized I might have to go an extra mile here and there to express my human side, even though we all know the numbers and information side is more fun, right? :)
I think this Christmas is a little different for me, it has brought me so much peace to finally know why I have felt like an alien lo these many years. I don't feel as guilty as I did before about 'keeping myself' from my friends and family. I am confident of my feelings now, even if I am grossly misunderstood much of the time. Paul Simon says in a song by the same title, 'I Know What I Know'. Indeed I do.
This essay is an attempt at a gift for all you good mothers out there,
your kid may not show it, but I am The Messenger sent to tell you that he or she loves you. A lot.Merry Christmas!
I don't know if I will reply, but I welcome feedback.
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Comments (6)
Thank you!! Your amazing article reassured me that even though my children often leave me wondering, they do (most of the time, anyway - lol) love me.
I am so in love with my kids and just want them to love me back.
Since I made my post, I have been thinking about it, wondering if I could have said something better. It's very hard to convey why a child or person on the AS comes across the way they do. Lately, I'm trying to do just that with my blog, but I am realizing more than ever that it will have to come from a collection of moments and thoughts that will ultimately be a mosaic to draw a single conclusion from. This article will be a single puzzle piece in the end.
You sound like you really do love your kids, it is evidenced by the fact that you took the time to respond. I mentioned this in my post, but if I could put my finger on one thing that I considered hard 'proof' of my mom's love, even when I doubted the reality of love, it is this:
She was always there for me, even when I almost never was for her.
My mom does not 'demand' love like pretty much all of my close friends. I value that. I see that as a suffering unique to love. She still talks to me, and I got a Christmas card from her today. Understand that I have screamed horrible things at my mom, I brought problems to her that I knew she could not help me with and demanded that she 'help' in some way - that must be frustrating beyond belief for her.
As far as your kids loving you, I don't know how that will play out for you, all of us are different. Sometimes love is hard and it means loving without return. I have moments here and there of reflection and peace where I remember that I need to call or email my mom and express my love for her presence in my life. I hope it is enough, she said in my Christmas card that she prays our family will physically gather at least one more time, and all I can think is how I will hold that event ransom until I am able to make enough money to hold my head up and safely travel to her.
Have a Merry Christmas,
It means something different to each and every one of us.
You have extraordinary insight. I hope your mom sees your post and knows that she has done very well and has a great son. As another AS mom, I thank you!
Merry Christmas!
As someone with Asperger's, I've wanted to say this kind of stuff to my mom for a long time, and you gave me the words - it's not that I don't love her, it's just that I can't show it unless all of my senses are in the right place. Thank you.
@CrazySwede@xanga - Thank you, I have a lot of trouble not feeling like 'dork' when I get inspired and write stuff like this, sometimes I just delete it or never show it to anyone. I can't always say stuff like this, it was a moment that I was lucky enough to be near a computer.
I love the idea of someone out there actually relating to, or even benefitting from, my writing. Over the course of my life, I have wanted to get some of this stuff down, but I have written very little because I always assumed I would be misunderstood.
Thank you for your comment.
@Nancy - Yes, my mother does have the address for my blog.
Thank you, I love the word, 'extraordinary', just beautiful.