Saturday, 04 December 2010
Excuse my writing in this post, I’ve not been feeling too good recently.
Education has always felt important to me. I always took a long time to complete an assignment, or do anything for that matter…but when I did it I always made sure it was up to a good standard (in the subjects that interested my, anyway). Nothing below a B would be good enough – in IT nothing below an A.
However, at 15 I suffered a quite severe bout of depression and missed a ridiculous amount of school – especially for the GCSE examination period. When I tried returning I could hardly step into the building and when I finally did pluck up the courage to walk down the stairs from my bedroom to the car, I’d be anxious for the whole journey. But I wouldn’t last for long: I would usually have walked out within 3 hours, if that! I just can’t go back, especially into that place.
The walk into the school building was perhaps less favorable than down the corridor of death row
Yes, I said that. And I still stand by what I said. The woman at the school reception said that was an exaggeration and that I was just “being silly now”. How does she know what I feel ? Had she sat by me while I cried myself to sleep before school every night…she’d probably have more of a clue. I’m trying to write this without getting overly emotional. She wasn’t to know.
So now, my life is going nowhere. All the tests I did seem to have been done for nothing. The A*s and As I was achieving the last time I was able to complete a full school day seem to mean nothing. I didn’t stick around long enough to complete all the tests and therefore get qualifications. When everybody gets their GCSE results, I’ll be binge eating, sitting on my backside doing nothing. With no prospect in life.
Of course, this is all very negative. I admit. Everything in my life recently has been negative. The future looks to be very dim.
Hopefully I will be going to college sometime this year, though for that I have to get referrals from my school – which can’t be good. All the teachers, bar one or two, seem to hate me. Misunderstand me. Doubt me. Up to then there seems to be nothing I can do. We (meaning myself and my mother) are considering home education. We can’t afford it. The only hope I have for that is some funds from my school. I doubt they will do anything for me. No-one wants me. I’m damaged goods.
So what is there for me now ? I will keep hoping, but I’m beginning to loose my faith in people. In everything. In life. In living. In love. In myself.