Saturday, 04 December 2010
-
Not being Wanted
Excuse my writing in this post, I’ve not been feeling too good recently.
Education has always felt important to me. I always took a long time to complete an assignment, or do anything for that matter…but when I did it I always made sure it was up to a good standard (in the subjects that interested my, anyway). Nothing below a B would be good enough – in IT nothing below an A.
However, at 15 I suffered a quite severe bout of depression and missed a ridiculous amount of school – especially for the GCSE examination period. When I tried returning I could hardly step into the building and when I finally did pluck up the courage to walk down the stairs from my bedroom to the car, I’d be anxious for the whole journey. But I wouldn’t last for long: I would usually have walked out within 3 hours, if that! I just can’t go back, especially into that place.
The walk into the school building was perhaps less favorable than down the corridor of death row
Yes, I said that. And I still stand by what I said. The woman at the school reception said that was an exaggeration and that I was just “being silly now”. How does she know what I feel ? Had she sat by me while I cried myself to sleep before school every night…she’d probably have more of a clue. I’m trying to write this without getting overly emotional. She wasn’t to know.
So now, my life is going nowhere. All the tests I did seem to have been done for nothing. The A*s and As I was achieving the last time I was able to complete a full school day seem to mean nothing. I didn’t stick around long enough to complete all the tests and therefore get qualifications. When everybody gets their GCSE results, I’ll be binge eating, sitting on my backside doing nothing. With no prospect in life.
Of course, this is all very negative. I admit. Everything in my life recently has been negative. The future looks to be very dim.
Hopefully I will be going to college sometime this year, though for that I have to get referrals from my school – which can’t be good. All the teachers, bar one or two, seem to hate me. Misunderstand me. Doubt me. Up to then there seems to be nothing I can do. We (meaning myself and my mother) are considering home education. We can’t afford it. The only hope I have for that is some funds from my school. I doubt they will do anything for me. No-one wants me. I’m damaged goods.
So what is there for me now ? I will keep hoping, but I’m beginning to loose my faith in people. In everything. In life. In living. In love. In myself.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to autisable's Autisable Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in autisable's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: mikkyh
- Name: Michael
- Location: United Kingdom
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 12 Views: 0 5966 Comments: 0 67 View all posts by mikkyh
Comments (12)
I was severely depressed when I was 15 to 17. I'm not actually sure how long my depression was, but that was the period in which I was highly suicidal. I didn't have any hope for the future either. I wasn't sure how I got through it, but I did.
As for right now, I feel joy just by knowing that God loves me, no matter how messed up I was and am. My view on my future isn't any clearer, but I have faith that God will equip me for whatever He wills me to do. Even if I am not the smartest, the wisest, the strongest, the most mature, etc, I will be ready for all that God has in plan for me because that is the sovereignty of God.
Because of the depression that I went through, I now love others much more than I did before. It's much easier for me to let go of worldly things and to remember that success, being the best, is not as important as excellence, giving my best.
Looking back now, I am definitely thankful that I went through depression. It's cliche to say that it made me stronger, but people who overcome depression tend to acquire resilient cognitive abilities that can also help others in their times of need.
I don't know if you are a Christian, but for me, Christ is my joy.
Also, this helped.
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause; the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."
I am so sad to see this post. I hope that you can find something, anything, to make yourself feel good again. School is not the only ticket to having a fulfilling life. Life does get better. This is one of the hardest times to get through. Many people make it in life without making it in school. Look for your passion; make yourself feel good; take a deep breath and know that it will get better.
Seriously, brother, first thing: you should talk to someone if you're having some suicidal feelings. Job number one needs to be staying alive. Once you get that stabilized, you'll be in the right position to start finding solutions to your other problems. Sorry to hear about the obstacles at the school.
I don't mean to sound like I've got all the answers to your problems. I'm just a bit sensitive to this because my brother-in-law killed himself a little over a year ago. It breaks my heart that he seemed to have reached a breaking point and didn't see any other way out.
I'm not sure what to say because I'm not familiar with the education system in the UK, but I really hope you find a feasible solution. What about a tutor or something along those lines? Or just working it out among the teachers or a guidance counselor and see what your options are. I can't vouch for how the feel or act towards you, but I don't hate you. You sound like a very bright person that just got knocked down. Don't be ashamed and don't be afraid of seeking help.
:'( You tried not to get too emotional, but it made emotional to read it. You're not the only one. The only difference between you and me is that my anxiety is from being picked on so much at school and being treated so poorly that I don't want to go back.. I feel depressed walking into school. I'm failing my own classes from missing so many days and not taking tests. I know how you feel on the level that you feel like life isn't going anywhere... And losing faith in everything. I think I just pretend to be in love sometimes to make myself feel better. All I can say is.. You're not alone, and if you look, there will be someone who will listen and give you the answers to your questions. But if you find out a reason to have faith in something, get to me, please.
i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I've been crazy for a long time. Nobody wanted me growing up or me around their children. I don't think I paid attention to anything prior to joining the Army. I was completely out-of-it. You should have seen my entry picture for basic... It was like I was in a cloud. I didn't do my homework, and I still passed. I even skipped a lot of my classes, especially my junior and senior year. See, in my school it didn't matter unless you made straight As and had a 5.0, which meant taking classes that I didn't qualify for my freshman year. I realized the pointlessness my freshman year. I tried to drop out of HS the second year and get a job, but I still had an IEP (that I didnt use) and it got complicated. I got rid of the IEP later that year. Soccer kept me in a year as well. Then I was there because they convinced me somehow that I had to stay; I used to be good, and I was weak. I was just used for that $25. They didn't care about my future or my "situation" that they wanted to tell everyone about... My teachers were abusive towards me. The other kids mostly left me alone in HS, which was worse that the teasing I had received prior.
Your situation isn't hopeless. Have you ever thought that it's okay to be ordinary? Rarely does anyone get anywhere. We just drift through life. Take the time to go on a spiritual journey.
It turns out that you really just have ADD and need concerta. That should get you through and it'll fill your ego with an exception. It's not cheating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDTyk4CM39Y
My main problem is that everyone tries to force me into Hell. I really need someone to plan out the rest of my life. Don't worry, I'm not secretly a genius because I don't talk, and I'm not getting away...
hey buddy hang in there. something good is bound to happen soon. God Bless.
Make them want you.
Or maybe the first issue of order is that you don't want yourself.
Counter-intuitively, i have found that sometimes the hope is less tolerable than the despair.
"I
am an optimist, unrepentant and militant. After all, in order not to be
a fool an optimist must know how sad a place the world can be. It is
only the pessimist who finds this out anew every day. " -- Ustinov.
It's solely your decision.
Life isn't easy. And most of the time, it's really unfair.
and sometimes as unfair as you will allow it to be.
Take the situation to your liking. Revamp the hope or defeat the despair.
and know tomorrow hopes for you more than you know.
So, batter up,
which will you be?
Take your time. deconstruct and reconstruct.
I've been unsatisfied with my message all day.
as I was driving home today... something clicked.
I hope you can find my mini insight of some use.
I made the connection between depression and the portrait of Dorian Gray...
depression takes many shapes and forms as does the human mind.
it can be an exhaust of energy, a systematically induced hiatus, or even the indicative lull before the storm. Whichever it is for you, think of that portrait Dorian keeps away, unseen of and by himself. He is beautiful and charming and free separate from this portrait; despite that life, he is extended like a vector, bound to that initial point of origin--the portrait. He has to collapse into this portrait to undo the heavy shadow that trails his every footstep. So much is lost, and so much is gained. I'm not sure what your depression wants to communicate to you, but instead of fighting it, look at it like a question, and answer it.
Also,
try more promotional measures than preventive.
“If you spend too much time working on your weaknesses, all you end up with is a lot of strong weaknesses.”
--Dan Sullivan
I know this means nothing right now, but it gets better.
-from someone who's been there
Why can't you afford to homeschool? It sounds like you're not going to school now. So you are home. Does your Mom work and can't stay home to homeschool you? You don't need her. You don't need anyone to teach you - you can learn by yourself. Trust me. I'm a Mom who homeschools. And I know by the time my daughter is 15, I will be expendable.
I'm assuming the UK has some type of library system. Free learning right there. Google topics YOU want to learn and go get 5 books on the subject. If there was anything in those 5 books that made you go, "Hmmmm...." go get a few more on that little nugget.
This is how we learn.
Sounds like you want to go to college. College is homeschooling. YOU decide what you want to learn and YOU locate the resources to do it. Granted, they conveniently put most of the resources in one place for you, but it is still your call. Don't worry, when you get there you will ace it.
Sounds like you need to pass an exam to get there though. The GCSE? So...DO IT! Do it now while you are at home and don't want to go back to school. I just did a Google search and there are 100's of sites to help you study. This one looked good (the study forum was several screens in): http://www.revisionworld.co.uk/
My point is that if you are able to step outside what you think you know about education, you will feel a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders and you will start to reach your goals sooner and with greater happiness.
Good Luck!CarolynMelbourne, FL
Oh, BTW, if you homeschool then your "teacher" would have to provide those referrals for you. Not the ones at the old school with whom you have issues.