Wednesday, 17 November 2010

• It's safe to say we've made it…

  

  Its safe to say that for a while now, we have been traveling down the smooth roads in life.  Waiting.  Having hit just about every bump there seems to have been to hit, and now finally coasting down through the smoothness of life…Im silently waiting, for the road to end and us to go barreling off the end of the cliff that no one saw coming.

  I'm hesitant to say, resistant to admit.  I don’t want to talk too soon, or say something that might not be true.  I don’t want to trick myself into believing, and I don’t want to end whats been good so far.  I don’t want to leave the comfort zone, the safety net of life.  Im ok here, without going out into the world again.  I'm ok hiding here, forgetting everything and everyone, living from one day to the next – except that Im not – because if I were, I wouldn’t have pushed so hard to get out… 

  But now that we are out, and now that we are spinning around with other people, counting the days as they come at us faster than we know how to deal with them, Im sure how to respond.

  When an old friend told me she was glad that things were finally looking good for us, I didn’t know what to say – as if somehow having something bad already on my plate will fend off anything else that might will itself to happen…

  It’s a new fold, another page, a new crease in this life, and Im not sure how to take it.  If I should meet it with my arms up ready to surrender, or fight it off with everything I have.  I don’t know if I should just accept it, or run like my life depends on it.

  These days, they are going quicker than I ever imagined they would.  I wake up each day feeling I have a deadline to meet, and something to get done before a certain time.  I cant make plans because I have something else I have to get done, but what?  I have no deadlines, I have nothing to get done.  But I go through the day with this heaviness of having to accomplish something, but not knowing what, before a certain time.

  I have moments where I am thrilled to be here, living this life, doing what I do, and there are other times when I look around me, and feel the heaviness of the people I know.  The sadness, and newness of their grief, and I get mad at myself, for having a somewhat decent time these days.  I should be the one doing that.  I shouldn’t be happy.  It shouldn’t BE this way.

  I find myself asking why I am here, why I made it, why I have accomplished whatever it is I set out to accomplish, and why others didn’t.  Why.  What makes it fair?  Nothing.  What makes my life one to be here, and others not.  I wish sometimes that I could meet this deadline, that I could step into someone elses place, and go before they did.

  I wish I could spare people the heartache of going through what they are going through…because at least I know the outcome.  At least I know I made it this far, even though at times I have to wonder why.

  I'm unsure what to think of these days.  Not sure how to take them.  I feel like I should step back a while, and watch the world go by, this world that is so different than the last time I was in it.  This world that is so complex and yet so simple.  I feel I should warn someone about something, but don’t know what.  I just wish I could see one step ahead, instead of one step behind…

  It's safe to say we've made it…wherever it is we're at.

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