The other day I ran into my neighbor. A
really nice guy, he always goes out of his way to strike up conversations with all of those around him.
But, alas, something was wrong.
When I said "hi", he just looked the other way and kept walking.
I have to say, I was a bit disturbed. It stuck with me all day and into the next. That's when I noticed a pattern. The fact is
most of the neighbors keep a good distance from us.
Then I remembered an incident last spring at school. My oldest was in her last year of middle school and landed a role in the school play. At the show, I happened to see many old acquaintances -- other parents whose children have been in school with mine for the last nine years. We spent time together not only at school, but girl scout meetings, playdates and parties and more.
Before our house became ground zero for all things crazy, I would even call many of them friends. Our kids would play together, we'd go out for drinks and just do all the stuff normal people do (
normal being the operative word, of course.)
But somewhere along the way from normal to complicated, things changed. My life was hard. My kids became "weird" or "uncool." And those fair weathered friends dropped like flies.
Years ago, we were invited to go camping with a group. It was really fun -- until the trip where my son had a breakdown of epic proportions. These days those invitations have all but dried up. So have the party invites, coffee breaks and basically all other communications.
So at my daughter's play, it should not have surprised me when my old buddies hardly even made eye contact. Some did manage to say hello, but with one eye scanning the room for someone else to talk to.
Yes, where ever we go, we are now pariahs. But before I get too bent out of shape, I have to ask myself: Do I really blame them?
On any given day, screams, swearing, doors slamming and more can be heard from inside my house. To those who don't know us, it truly must sound like we're beating our kids.
Our house doesn't exactly have curb appeal. We are too tired to keep it up and the money isn't always there for some much-needed repairs. Why, I think we're single-handedly bringing down the home values in the neighborhood.
And I have to face it. I'm not exactly a bundle of joy to be around. Its hard to party and make small talk when all hell's breaking loose around you. Plus, I think one too many friends got tired of me actually telling them how I was when they asked. Whoops. Too much information I guess.
It also didn't help that when we did get invited places we never reciprocated. We were either too frazzled to organize anything, too embarrassed about how our house looked or too worried that a meltdown might ensue mid-meal.
This is the point where I'd usually tell someone else not to worry what others think, but in fact I do. That's because our lives are so very isolated. We have very few friends and virtually no family to speak of.
I truly miss the days when we were social. As flighty as the friends of old may have been, I had fun back then. I laughed. I joked. I belonged.
Now? Not so much.
So as I try to wrap this up, I guess the moral of my story is this: If you know of a family with a complicated kid or two, invite them to do something. You may truly be making their day.
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Comments (8)
We do, and you're right it isn't easy. So I would add that when they invite that family with the kid who doesn't fit "inside the box" they should remember to put away expectations of how children "should" behave and put on a bit of patience and a huge sense of humor. We've found that over the course of time these kids add much to our family's circle of friends. Sometimes the hardest people to be friends with are also the friends most worth having.
My problem is less acute than yours. Divorce. But I've found that the old truism is accurate. The old friends make themselves scarce. Not only those who were my friends through her, but MY friends as well. Having made enough low-key overtures and gotten the 'another time' response, I get the message.
Considering my residential and occupational resources, I am not in a position to entertain. I will metaphorically extend my hand across the distance. Vaya con Dios. Props to you. May all be well with you and your young 'un, in this life and the next.
I completely relate, getting harder to try anything as people want to fix them and tell them what is wrong with them and I feel more and more at the age of 18 in a corner with my son, that the possibilities are gone and that friendship will be very challenging unless he goes living in a special place with others and he is not willing yet to believe he is that altered, he thinks he can keep going in life but it has been too stressful to co exist with neurotypical kids and teachers and families.....
If someone you know as a really good person and a neighbour you see out walking suddenly stops talking to you, its likely its something recent rather than a build-up over the years.
Mind you, bringing property values down for a whole neighbourhood isn't going to get you any sympathy from anyone, anywhere. I understand your position, I've been in an analagous one and had a delegation of neighbours visit me. They were very polite but insistent I did something. It took a whole day to put some paint on the place and get the garden looking tidy. It didn't look beautiful after that, but it did look clean and respectable and it was only a day for three of us and some paint.
I was going to answer SavonDujour but I know I would be considered rude were I to speak honestly.
A million gallons of paint and all the turf in the world won't cure autism or more to the point remove the prejudices of "normal" humans.
This could have been written by me. Our house is all but destroyed, our yard looks like we don't give a damn (which I personally don't) and all the other humans in the universe seem to have forgotten we exist, except for an old friend of my husband's.
For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no one to hang out with unless my mom can take the time out to go and do something. I feel so isolated.
I have an autistic son and a typical child. When I got the diagnosis for him my husband left us and most of the friends made an quick exit from our life. I have 1 friend left and she is a true friend. The problem she doesn't live close by.
I felt very isolated at one point of time, than I started taking the kids to all the free events that was organized around the area we live. We made friends good friend. Our life starting to be more colorful again. I have bad days but now most of them are good. Try to take your kids out to places, start conversation with people you never know, you might find a good friend.
I have learned in my 21 years of life that when one is approached by the questions of aquintances that all they wanna know is the good. I have grown so accustomed to asking "do you want the truth or me to lie to you" That I just shortened it to "Truth or a lie?"