Friday, 07 May 2010
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Autism and Cancer
My brother is currently in his late teens, but he has a mental age of roughly an eight year old. Like many Autistic people, my brother has major problems adjusting to changes.
About six months ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My family decided not to tell my brother about the illness, especially because it is hard enough for a normal person to accept the truth.
With the chemotherapy that my dad has been going through, my dad has been faced with many side effects. His body has become weaker; he is not able to do the same things that he used to do. He used to do all the cooking in the family, which is now an activity that he can no longer do.
About two months ago, my mom decided to retired earlier to take care of my dad full-time.
Even though my brother can see that dad's health conditions are not the same as before, he does not seem to understand that dad is sick.
He continuously asks mom: "Mom, when are you going back to work?"
Mom: "I'm not going back to work anymore. I retired."He also asks: "When will dad feel better?"
Mom: "Very soon."My mom spends most of her time taking care of my dad and the rest of the family. She is very tired, and at the same time, I know she is quite frustrated with my brother's questions. It is very difficult to explain in words, but my brother's questions show that he is unable to adjust to changes and that he doesn't understand illness. He does not show any emotion or reaction to what happens. (Even when my mom and I had to take my dad to the ER for two days.)
I want to explain the family situation to my brother in a way that he would understand. But, I don't know how to start.
Do any of you have similar experiences and/or suggestions that you would like to share?
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Comments (4)
I would just be very gentle about it, if and when you do decide to explain the situation.
My boyfriend's brother is mentally ill and was completely unable to accept their father's illness (pancreatic cancer) to the point that his frustration lashed out in the form of attempting to severely hurt/kill their father...twice. It's an extreme example, but you should be wary because this could be the one time your brother does decide to emotionally react, especially if there's a possibility that your father may not survive.
Good luck, and I hope for all the best with your family.
If your brother has about the mental age of even a three year old, he should be let in on what is going on. There are lots of resources out there for dealing with cancer and small children. My kids went through it with my mom. (Yeah, their grandmother.) My children were 2, 3, and 4 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They didn't understand it, but they knew what was going on and they knew it wasn't good. As things got worse, we HAD to prepare them to say goodbye. I have to admit, I didn't have a clue how... and was in denial myself almost until the end... but without at least having some idea what was going on, I can't imagine how much more devestated they would have been to have woken up one morning to be told that they would never see Grandmother again. (They were VERY close. My kids lived with my mom for a while because I had to work full time. They spent more time with her than with me for several years.)
I'm not saying it will be easy to explain it to your brother. Not at all. But ask the hospital, look stuff up in the library, on the internet, etc. There are lots of "kid friendly" methods for telling small children the truth about cancer. I know your brother is older... but the same gentle methods used for small children can be used... but patronizing him would be a bad idea. I'd be willing to bet that your brother feels the tension, anxiety, and other stress that is going on around all of this. Knowing why it is that bad might be a good thing.
I'd say... explain it to him the way you would explain it to an eight-year-old?
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