Sunday, 11 April 2010
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Well, that's, uh, new.
I have to admit, I haven't been the best aunt, as of late, in terms of spending time with my nephews. I have a busy work schedule and no social life to speak of, so you can bet that the minute the General Assembly went on Spring Break that I was ready to go and do somethng with each of them. I have seriously neglected C, the oldet one with Aspergers, here lately as he has been wanting me to take him out to dinner at the new DQ and go to GameStop, our usual routine. So, this past Friday my fiance and I went and got him and set out for a fun filled night.
If only it were so.
Now would be a great time to add in a short disclaimer. I do not, have not, nor will I ever condone the use of racist terms to describe anyone. With that said, the following paragraphs will have the term "n-word" substituted for it's more common and deragatory cousin.
So we are driving down the road when all of a sudden my nephew proudly states. "You don't say n-word!".
Pretty sure I looked like this when I heard it:
Now on one hand I am happy he knows it is wrong to say it and wants to tell people this, but on the other, well, he is still saying it. So, I scold him and tell him not to say it again. All is going well until we get to DQ.
We walk into the VERY busy and packed resturaunt, and he says it again, LOUDLY. I get looks, which I am pretty much ignoring, as my jaw is on the ground, and decide it's time to pull out the big guns. I ask him if he wants to go to GameStop, to which he replies yes, and tell him that if he says it again he will not be allowed to go.
Out of mere curiosity, I ask him where he heard such a word. I get two different answers, one much more likely than the other. One is from school, the other is from a commercial for a video game company. The school one is what I am more apt to believe it came from. All of this, does not stop him from saying it, and he gets taken home, kicking and screaming, and told he would not go until he quit saying it.
Fast forward to last nght.
I get a call telling me that he has quit saying it and wondering if I would still take him so he could get a game and spend his easter money. I give it some thought and go for it. I know that he was given a talking to about that word and why it was wrong and do not have reason to believe that he will say it again. So again I drive out to his house, go inside, and I am greeted with a cheesy smiling C, who promptly gives me a hug and tells me not to say the n-word. My sister-in -law is beginning to think he does it because he knows I don't like it, because despite the fact that he has Aspergers, there is still a mischevious little 10 year old in there.
Clearly this one is going to take alot of time and patience......
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- From: sarahb_86@xanga
- About Me: I am a bellydancer, aunt, and one very awesome Graphic Designer if I do say so myself!
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Comments (9)
It is possible that he did hear it on one of the games that he plays. If his game console is connected to the internet and he plays with other people through the game, he might have heard (read) some one else using the word.
I do think it has to do with him trying to push your buttons. Once he realizes this no longer gets a reaction, he will find something else as 10 year olds like to do.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - My oldest (now 11) also used the n-word as in "don't say this word" and got into much trouble with our neighbor's daughters. They only heard him say the word, and not the full sentence.. and their being of mixed race, it obviously did not settle well with him. He then used the word again because he had learned how hateful it is and was being picked on by this kid, who was white, and he called him the n-word. I don't think it had the same impact on the bullying kid as it did on the other kids nearby who weren't white. So, yes, even if they have autism, they know what they're doing.
My youngest, who is age 8, will constantly try to tell on the older with "T said THIS BAD WORD." Just so he can say the bad word. Yep. He says it with that cheesy grin. And no amount of explaining how by doing that, he is still using an inappropriate word himself helps because it is the SHOCKING reaction he gets that he's almost like stimming off of. He loves exaggerated responses to the things he says and well, you can imagine my response when a new four-letter word comes out of his mouth (regardless of where it came from! that's a whole 'nother can of worms).
The less you react to it, the better. Hopefully, it won't be in public. Because if he does say it again in public, and you ignore it, people are apt to believe you condone the behavior. Sadly.
@Erika_Steele@xanga - It was actually from a Gamefly commercial that someone was mocking on youtube. We found out after my Brother and Sister-in-law caught him watching it. Very good point about the internet and gaming consoles. To the best of my knowledge, it is not hooked up to it at their house.
@heatherbabes - The story gets a bit worse as he said it at school to his African-American aide. His parents are really cracking down on him because of this, so hopefully they can make him better understand that he shouldn't say it, even to get attention.
@sarahb_86@xanga - I hope his parents are able to get him to understand how some forms of humor are just not appropriate even if people laugh at it. My husband struggles with unwritten rules a lot, I think because he is an adult it is easier to get him to understand though (most of the time anyway).
@heatherbabes - I know what you mean by people judging you in public when it comes to the way you raise your children. I almost cursed a bunch of people out because they dared to open their mouths to me about my son's behavior when he had an ear infection at a wedding that was ridiculously long, over the top, and pretentious. No one else said anything to me.
@sarahb_86@xanga - ah no... so sad. He probably does get the fact that it can hurt feelings and that is why the shocking reaction. I am sorry to hear that he chose to use that word, especially to his aide. How did she handle it?
@Erika_Steele@xanga - Yeah, I've walked out of weddings because of my kids' sensory issues and resulting overwhelming. Luckily, my family isn't too judgmental. They're used to ME after all! But in public at stores, schools, and so on, the looks and comments are really disgraceful. I live in Oklahoma now and after another mother made a comment to me about my son's whining for a toy (she was so outrageously rude, I can't reprint it here), and I recognized her from a local church and asked, "Do you pray to Jesus with that mouth?" It shut her up :)
@heatherbabes - His aide was,thankfully, very understanding to the situation and sent a note home in his notebook informing them of what happened. It is one of these situations where he is saying it is a bad thing to say, but he is still saying it. He doesn't quite understand that you don't have to say that word to tell people not to say it. To him, saying "n-word" is too vauge as opposed to saying the actual word.
Like most things, it will just take time and patience to get him to learn that it is not okay to say it. :)
@Erika_Steele@xanga - As bad as this might sound, I think that now that he has said it to someone outside of the family, who knows to ignore it, they are taking it much more seriously. At the time I wrote this, I was, for some reason, the only person he sad it to. However, that has since changed.
@sarahb_86@xanga - I am sure they will get him to understand why it isn't funny and it is offensive.
@sarahb_86@xanga - @Erika_Steele@xanga - It will take time but he will eventually learn. The other swear words my younger son used to use, he has now used the phrasing "the s-word" or whatever letter it starts with to refer to them but it took a long while to get it. Maybe six months?
In the meantime, breathe... and this too shall pass! At least we know the little guy doesn't believe in using the word, which is a good thing!