The first syllable of Asperger is pronounced ASS. And that's how Aspies all too often come across to others. We stare at people (or never make eye contact at all), use our "outside voices" inside and even yell inappropriately, stand right up close to people, get into nit-picking arguments everyone else recognizes as stupid, address people's problems very bluntly and in many other ways just plain annoy others.
Therefore, relatively few of us can get and keep jobs (much above, say, Wal-Mart cashier), make and keep friends, stay for long anywhere outside our parents' homes or get dates.
As Albert Einstein is supposed to have said, insanity means doing the same things over and over again while expecting different results.
Einstein also supposedly pointed out that we cannot hope to solve our problems at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
If our lives aren't going well, we need to change. Neurologically Typical (NTs) change all the time when they see how their behavior causes them problems; we're no exception.
I'm no exception. I've been fired from more jobs than I can count on my fingers. (And with some of the jobs from which I was not fired, I still won't ever darken their doors again.) Even though I have an Ivy League degree plus an MA and PhD, the large majority of the jobs I've held required no college education at all, and of the rest most were part-time without benefits.
I made my first friend and had my first date (same person) when I was 19, in my second year of college. I met my first and only girlfriend, Emily (who is now Mrs. Deutsch), when I was 29 1/2.
In the 6 1/2 years since Emily first told me I may be an Aspie, I've begun major changes in how I see others, how I know others see me and what they expect from me and how to tell when problems may arise, among other things. Now I've dedicated my life to helping fellow Aspies do the same.
The second syllable of Asperger is pronounced PURGE:
P - Perceptions. We often need to respect and accommodate others' perceptions, whether we agree with them or not.
U - Unknown unknowns. That's former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's classic term for things that we don't even know that we don't know. Even NTs commonly misjudge themselves; pretty much by definition Aspies do it much more often - and deeply.
If someone is willing to be our social smoke detector and alert us bluntly to how we can better get along with others, we should bless them and consult them frequently.
R - Recognize common patterns. If your last three bosses treated you - and few or none of your co-workers - badly...yeah, maybe they had some attitude issues. But the odds are that your behavior provoked those issues.
Remember, even when others behave badly, you are the only person whose behavior you can control. Like any species, you adapt, migrate or die.
G - Get outside your comfort zone. That's both especially hard and especially necessary for Aspies. Work on meeting people, addressing issues tactfully or making eye contact, for example.
E - Execute the plan. Then use what you learned for the next step in your life.
- Written by Dr. Jeff Deutsch,
A SPLINT
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Comments (3)
Ahh, how I agree. I hope to become a historian when i'm an adult, but I fear that my AS may set me back on that goal. Despite some positive benefits from it (I can name 12 Roman emperors and the 12 principal Greek gods off the top of my head), I still feel like it's setting me back socially. Hopefully it will get better as I grow older.
I can't even get a job as a Walmart cashier... I fail their freakin' personality profile because their questions make NO SENSE. I am more than capable of doing the idiot job, but it is pretty difficult to keep it to myself that I do not think that being a cashier for their company is not my dream job, nor is it a long term career choice, nor do I wish to ever move up... I just want some extra cash to pay the bills temporarily until I'm done with school.
This goes for every other company out there that requires those dumb tests. Yes, I am overqualified for those jobs. Yes, I'm smarter than most of the management. Yes, I am not interested in the "good of the company"... but No, I will not steal. No, I will not be purposefully rude to co-workers or customers. No, I will not cower in front of bosses. THEY ARE PEOPLE. Sheesh.
@TheThinkingPerson@xanga - youd better hope it does. from what ive experienced as a young adult, its pretty bleak. of course, being autistic i cant fully step into your shoes and have a look around. but i hope that your shoes get more comfortable when youre an adult. if theres one bit of advice, its one word: connect.
cheers.