I was going to write about homework today. My youngest had several tests to study for, reading and regents preparation. But I was sidelined by some questions on IVIllage that I thought I would talk about. That is bullying. It has got to be the most debilitating thing watching you child be bullied. The reality is that there are things that can be done.
Go to the school. Bullying is a form of assault and the school is required to stop it and intervene. They may try to make excuses about it but you need to stand your ground. It is work for them especially with the "No not my child" syndrome in this country. (Just as an aside, I have never experienced such denial in a society as to children and their problems. It's like they all belong to this weird cult called "The Perfect Child Religion." As if their children being mean takes away from the child's use as an ornament for the parent.) If it gets really bad go to your local police and talk to the youth officer. I had a girlfriend who tried that and was turned away because it was just "bullying", but then you need to go higher. Where I live, in the next town, the parents of a girl (not a special ed student, just a neurotypical teen) had to file a petition in family court against the bullies and their parents to get it to stop. The parents of the bullies would do nothing. But then the court had it stopped. The bullies were adjudicated PINS (persons in need of supervision and were monitored by the court) Hopefully for none of you it will get that bad.
In my own case, the school did not do what it should have. They did not call the parents. I was the only parent called. They did separate out the bullies from each other and made sure that an aide was put in the room so none could pick on my son. The bullies tried again in high school and were promptly told they woud be suspended and it would go on their permanent record (i.e. to the colleges) of course they left him alone, but also alienated him. He sat alone in high school. It made him think he doesn't need friends. Now in college he is opening up to the idea that some people may be nice to him. Of course he got picked on in a class because he had a melt down about a bee, but the professor clamped down on those students and in fact my son came home with an understanding that he will be stood up for. In fact one of those that picked on him has aspergers too. He actually understood that and made an excuse for that boy.
He actually did not have any problems from the overwhelming majority of students in his college. He is even now open to trying to join some clubs and find people.The director of the aspergers support program found on the Adelphi University campus actually talked about the fact that these kids have a Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome emanating from the bullying and need therapy to help get over it. I can actually see that. My son is definitely getting therapy for a myriad of issues, this being just one of them.
One thing that the schools could do is have lectures for the kids about aspergers or HFA. My youngest son actually created a powerpoint for the students in his 4th grade class. They also have a disability understanding program in the elementary school. Teachers are the ones who need to be given a lot of the education about our kids. Sometimes I think that they do nothing about the bullying because they are uneducated about our kids as well. The interesting thing is that with some education things are not so bad. My younger son has never really experienced the torture that my older one did. He was always welcome and the children took care of him. No he was not invited to parties but they made a big effort to come to his bar mitzvah 45 out of 50, unlike my older one who only had 8 out of 50 attend. My younger one even has a best friend. Same town, just a different year and better parents.
There is a geat website from the government
Stop Bullying Now. It can give you ideas on what to do and even direct the school on how to help your child.Remember one thing. Parenting is not a popularity contest. If you have to make a pain of yourself with the school do it. But don't ever yell.(Some other advice from my cousin). At that point they will dismiss you as a crazy parent especially if its the mom yelling. Be there every day if necessary. Don't forget education is a civil right. That could be your ace in the hole. The,
Office of Civil Rights Enforcement at the Department of Education can also give you some relevant information.
This is not a Zen moment. This is a warrior moment. Go fight.
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Comments (16)
Bullying can be a form of assault, if physical or physically threatening. Even then, I'd be wary of trying to fight a battle for my child. Getting your ass beat is better then having your mom or dad fight for you, imo. That is the kind of stigma that doesn't go away.
@Uek@xanga - I think there's a careful line that should be tread there- no, your parents shouldn't live your life for you, but sometimes, there are just things out of your control, as a minor. Your age shouldn't affect your quality of life.
Kids are the most brutal and violent of all! This is a serious issue and an issue that should NOT be ignored!!!
I live in a town in Texas where bullying is a learned behavior from older siblings and parents. I see how some of them act at soccer games. So, to get parents to do anything about their kids' bullying is like getting them to admit they themselves are bullies. When my oldest entered the 6th grade, he was bullied so I went to see the Principal. She told me, "Your son needs to learn to fight back verbally and physically, if necessary." In other words, your son is the problem. We told her we do not raise our kids to use that type language. He was in a Christian school the next year. For my 8 yo with Aspie, I will not stand for it. And if I hear nonsense like I heard with my older son, I will go to Administration and escalate from there. You are correct that the public schools do not understand our kids. Met with the Principal of my Aspie's school this week about next year and she told me the school district does not train teachers about ASD kids.
AspieDadTX
@AspieDadTX - There was just a report out that said that approximately half or more childen that have been suspended from school are on the spectrum. It is an interesting phenomenon. Dr. Ross Greene actually talks about how zero tolerance policies have actually hurt our kids and not helped them. By having an across the board rule without any ability to understand a student's motivation for actions the schools do not have to figure out what the underlying issues are as far as a student who is acting out in violation of the policy. Of course, the second circuit has held that zero tolerance policies on their face are unconstutional but unfortunately it has not been applied across the board.
The irony here is that the schools site in loco parentis in order to discipline our children but do not bother to actually take on the parental role of helping or assisting a student that might be having underlying issues. The schools make it so that it is against school policy and basically illegal for a student to defend themslves physically in any situation (hence look at the rash of autistic children being arrested across the country) but then they do nothing to protect our children from bullies. The idea to physically fight back against bullies is ignorant and old fashioned. It is not allowed and will end up getting our children suspended and arrested, hence potnetially ruining their futures for no reason. Look at the horrible story of Phoebe Price. Not even a student on the spectrum, but one the school knew had depression issues and had been the target of bullies before.
The only light I see at the end for our children is what I have stated before. You need to advocate for your child to make sure that your child is protected and supported appropriately in their educational environment. That is your job as a parent. If the school neglects to protect your child bring inlaw enforcement and the courts. Finally you do have the option to sue a school district for failure to protect and provide a basic education. For this the child does not even have to be designated. A young man in Flordia was just awarded $800,000 by a court because the school distrtict knowing the boy was bullied did nothing to stop it. Additionally, the students who bullied Phoebe Price to her death have now been arrested for murder and will probably be spending a long time in prison. The only issue left in that case, is why the school officials have not been charged with negligence or complicity to murder since they were aware fo the issues and did nothig to protect her. But then corruption is rampant more than we think, and inadequate people have friends in high places too.
The culture of not telling on bullies is propagated by the bullies. If enough people speak out then it will become the norm and the bullies will no longer be able to hide behind silence.
I found out long ago that if you fight back against bullies frequently you end up being the one blamed for the trouble especially if you try to level the playing field by picking up a weapon.
good book to read is please stop laughing at me
You know, I can't help but see two sides to this. On the one hand, yes, bullying is wrong, and yes, it is a form of assault, and yes, it is and should be illegal.
On the other hand, increasingly, we find ourselves becoming a society of wusses.
Now, I am speaking special needs children aside. Special needs children are just that: children who have needs above and beyond that of most children, and who need to be treated with more gentleness. And yes, we shouldn't let those kinds of children be abused by childhood violence.
Most children, I firmly believe, need to learn to stand up to bullies. If my child came home with a black eye (I have girl who is currently in grade-school), I wouldn't go to court, or the parents, or the school, or anything else. I would show her how to crush testicles and jab eyes and break noses, and tell her to apply what she's learned next time someone pushes her around. This does three things:
1. It teaches the child self-respect and self-reliance, because now the child is confident in her own ability to protect herself.
2. It teaches the child the principles of self-defense: to never start a fight, but to always be prepared to finish one.
3. It teaches the bully that there are physical consequences to starting fights.
Now, on the other hand, if I learned that my child STARTED a fight, I would punish her. Because yes, bullying is wrong.
@maskedman23@xanga - I think there are several issues here. One is that yes, children should be taught to stand up for themselves. it is quite frankly why I gave mine karate lessons. But unfortunatley as they get older, and even in the younger grades, the impostion of a zero tolerance policy punishes the defender as well as the perpetrator. The school systems makes no differentiation. Therefore, the school system must take action and are doubly responsible for protecting our children.
But what we are really talking about here is the continual relentless bullying that has led children to withdraw from school and even commit suicide. It is no longer the simple playyard taunts,which having been a victim of that myself, are bad enough. But the meanness has gone into cyberspace and cruelty truly knows no bounds there. BTW most children that are bullied do not have special needs,but most special needs children, especially those with aspergers are bullied.
You might also want to know that a child as young as 7 years old, is proscribed by law to be responsible for their actions. They can be arrested for any number of crimes including assault and battery. this is not a new law, but has been the law of the land for generations.
The reality is, is that it comes down to educating our chidlrn in proper behavior. As I said in the post, it is initially the parents responsbility to raise theri chidlren, but with the Perfect Child Religion so prevalent in today's society, parents are forgetting their role as parents and tying to be their child's firend instead of doing their job.
Over the years our son has been bullied numerous times.
The worst was when he was in 8th grade. I had spoken with the school counselor the week before and advised him that something was going on. Only knew parts of it but had hopes he could talk with our son and get to the bottom of it.
Obviously nothing was done because that next week our son got beat up. Boy had him down on the ground kicking him till finally got tired and walked off. 2 other classmates helped my son to the office. We was told other boy would not be allowed back to school until a meeting was had with his mother but guaranteed us 3 day suspension this not being his first offense.
Because our son did get in one hit, he received 1 day suspension also.
However, my son ended up with a hairline fracture to his cheekbone, along with bruises on his side and back. School refused to do anything because surgery wasn't required.
Turned out other boy only was given 1 day.
While this fight knocked our child out of his end of the year school trip with money not being refunded, this boy was still allowed to go.
Last school year, it was a much much bigger girl that decided to start picking at him on the bus. She was a couple grades lower than him plus a girl so he continued to avoid her and ignore. Till she made it physical.
Can't say he didn't warn her to let him go. Only she laughed about it.
Until he grabbed her by the throat.
All that mattered to the school then was that she was a girl and him in a higher grade. NEVER did they look at the size difference and the fact that she had been bothering him for weeks.
Son was kicked off the bus for 3 days while she was only assigned the front seat.
Same girl decided to try and cause trouble with our daughter first of this school year.
Guess since son had a big growth spurt over the summer she figured it best not to pick at him again.
He came home furious about it and made certain to let us know if nothing was done that he himself would take care of her. Didn't matter to him anymore.
When I informed our daughter's school about this girl now bothering her, I also let them know exactly what our son had said. So that if they didn't handle it and he stepped in to take care of his little sister, wasn't anyone's fault but theirs.
Girl was put on a different bus.
All the bullying over the years has had a huge affect on him. Used to he would take it and take it till anxiety took control or he broke and fought back. Now, he will ignore the first couple times but after that even though he still is smallish will go off.
Says he's been hit so many times he just don't care anymore can't feel it.
Our school system stinks. This zero tolerance is anything but fair.
Kids are taught in the lowest grades not to come forward and "tattle."
They try and treat all children the same when they aren't. None of the under lying causes are looked at.
Son is a sophomore now. He himself hasn't had any trouble since first of the year. (boy on the bus decided to grab son's arm and also brake his bracelet. When son let the bus driver know, the boy threatened to come to our house and shoot our son. We took pictures of the places on our son's wrist and bagged the broken bracelet. Informed both schools and the board of education.)
At school he gets left alone now but that is in part to having so many junior and senior friends.
@Katliin@xanga - all I can say is HUGS.i know exactly how that feels. A friend of mine who works in our school district told me that she knows for a fact if there is a problem they blame the spec ed kids first. Its their inclination. I guess its easier that way because the parents are already pliable.
I say good for your son. Never mind standing up for himself, but standing up for his sis now that is a "man." What a great kiddo!:)
@aspergers2mom - All of this is true, and as usual, exposing one problem reveals several adjacent ones (e.g. public schools' 0 tolerance policy). Of course my solution to these problems tends towards the radical; I don't believe that we should have public education at all. The idea of extorting money through taxation to push a specific agenda strikes me as deeply offensive in principle. But of course, that is a much wider subject.
"BTW most children that are bullied do not have special needs,but most special needs children, especially those with aspergers are bullied."
Wow. Basic logical ability. Refreshing.
But yes, I would imagine that in a world full of insecurity and intellectual weakness, it would be the asperger kids who get picked on most.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it's not us "normal" people who are truly disabled, as self-conscious and collective-identity-seeking as we are.
But that's neither here nor there.
"You might also want to know that a child as young as 7 years old, is proscribed by law to be responsible for their actions. They can be arrested for any number of crimes including assault and battery. this is not a new law, but has been the law of the land for generations."
I did not know that.
Thanks for that.
"The reality is, is that it comes down to educating our chidlrn in proper behavior. As I said in the post, it is initially the parents responsbility to raise theri chidlren, but with the Perfect Child Religion so prevalent in today's society, parents are forgetting their role as parents and tying to be their child's firend instead of doing their job."
Your solution?
@maskedman23@xanga - unfortunately it falls back on the school to educate and protect. The issue is that they are not doing their job either. There are wonderful anti-bullying progams out there for schools to use to teach but most do not. Most just turn away. The only solution I have in the meantime is to protect your own.
@aspergers2mom - Well I have no faith that the public school system is capable of doing anything right. Fundamental error of conception. But yes, I find that we are responsible to protect our children. I also think the best way to do that is usually to give them the tools of their survival. But then, I guess we're on the same page, there.
My younger brother had issues with bullying when he was in high school. He isn't one to take any crap from anyone so mostly he got in trouble for defending himself, one guy came up from behind him while he was bent down at his locker and started kneeing him in the face. My brother was on the wrestling team, and put the other guy in a wrestling hold and waited for a teacher to come, my brother got suspended. After that this guy and his friends would yell stuff at my brother and his girlfriend in the hall and he would yell back. My parents fought the suspension and lost, and told my brother that they were going to go to the principal and end this once and for all, but my brother asked them not to saying it would just make things worse and that he would handle it, so my parents left it alone. That is until as these kids were driving past my brother who was walking home and they threw trash out the window at him, thats assault with a deadly weapon. An administrator saw it and called all parents and kids involved into his office. He told my parents they could press charges if they wanted and kicked the kid off of all his sports teams. My parents told the other kid that they would not press charges as long as nothing happened ever again, if it did they would press charges for not only this incident, but for everything previously as well. Needless to say, the kid left my brother alone.
I wrote a book titled, Not My Child Syndrome, it will be on book shelves by the end of this month. Visit my website www.DianeTuscanwine.com
Best Regards,
Diane