One of my friends (we'll call her A) recently posted a status update on Facebook that really upset me. Her daughter "M" (who has ASD) came home from school very excited about a birthday party invite. When "A" went through "M's" backpack the invitation was not there. Thinking her daughter had lost her invitation because all of the other children in the class had received invites A called the mom who responded that "M" was not invited because she doesn't talk and her child likes to talk.
OMG I was so flabbergasted and angry. That mother does not realize she is robbing "M" of a very important social learning experience. It is due to these exclusions that our children suffer so much. The discrimination in the case is so very hurtful, just because T is not very verbal doesn't mean she doesn't communicate. And the biggest question of all... Where the HELL was the teacher? These things are not supposed to happen in classrooms.
With my children the teachers made it very clear that the only way invitations could be issued at school is if EVERYONE in the class received one. This is why I have chosen the moniker Autismwarrior... Not because I want to fight Autism... There are many willing to take on that cause, but I want to fight the discrimination, intolerance, slights, and negative perceptions the general public have of children with Autism. I don't think there are enough words in the English language to express my anger and disgust!!!
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Comments (16)
That was very wrong.of that mother.
The rule in any school I have worked in is, as you say, everyone is invited or the classroom is not involved. Exclusive parties should happen on the excluder's time and dime. Even with that, word does get around.
Being autistic myself, and having had a mentally handicapped youngest brother, who was included in every event, until he was totally incapacitated, I would suggest setting the example first, by having a party for your child, and inviting one and all. It may sound counter-intuitive, but it serves to deprive the ignoramuses of any excuse they might offer for excluding the girl. Heck, my mom even invited the neighborhood bully, just to set a good example. We became friends from high school on.Holy cow. That is so wrong. :(
Angry doesn't begin to say how I feel right now. I can't tell you how many times we had to deal with similiar situations. But I can't figure out which is actually worse. Not being invivted to a birthday party or having only 5 out of 50 come to yours after all the invitations went out.It was his Bar Mitzvah so it wasn't just a birthday it was also religious celebration and everyone went to each others without fail.You can bet they talked about not going to his birthday /bar mitzvah party in school and he heard it all and the school didn't stop it.Yes it was nice that the 5 came, don't get me wrong,but the fact that so many did not held him up to derision and just made his isolation worse. We also got the list of who to invite from the school itself. The irony is that these people who live around here think they are so great and socially forward looking because they drive a hybrid and take reuseable bags to the market. .Too bad noone actually evr taught them themeaning of the word "class."
@aspergers2mom - I swear, you literally took the words out of my mouth! how'd ya do that?
Ugh. Classless is all I can say.
Birthday parties. My oldest son wants to invites his classmates to his this year. He'll be turning 12. Ugh. I don't do well with crowds. Never mind a crowd of 12 year olds! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. But I will be inviting the whole class if I invite one.. you can be your bippy on that one! (what is a bippy? Do we only have the one or can we bet two bippys?.. sorry aspie moment)
The teacher should NOT have allowed a classmate not to be included. But the problem lies with the parents, They Need Educating as much as their children do on autism & other disablities. An Inclusive system should include parents & community members as well.
I understand your frustration and all the points you raise and I'm apologizing in advance for any harsh feelings I will raise when I say:
You did what any parent would do and I think that mother did what she thought was right too. Discrimination is wrong BUT it's not up to that mother to create "important social learning experiences" for your child. If A feels so strongly about having these opportunities for M, then she should actively create them. Don't leave it to others who may or may not include your child. And don't leave it up to the teachers... teachers have control over a classroom and can only do so much. What if these invites were passed out over the weekend? Via mail? In the schoolyard? You don't have the complete context of what happened. AND I'm pretty sure teachers have a hard time telling the parents what to do and what not to do. Don't make a scapegoat out of the teacher.
I get it for sure, it hurts not to be included. Happens all the time to typical children as well and I remember very plainly the hurt I felt never being invited to a party because I was the fat kid, and that was back in the day that there was only one per grade level. It happened to my oldest boy several times in grade school as well.
I didn't concentrate so much on the hurt feelings or the fact that others did not follow proper party invite protocol but instead I let it motivate me to create my own social engagements for my child. We don't have to wait for a birthday to make a play date. Take the energy you will have wasted on making irate phone calls to teachers, parents and a school administrator and instead make a couple of calls to parents of children of whom your child would get along and engage with in a simple setting. Take them to the park on a Saturday or just let them hang out in your kitchen having a tea party.
I never liked parties but I appreciated being invited. personally I think parents like these should have their faces put on flyers and sent to all their neighbours.
Some people are totally clueless and live in their own world. Party invitations should not be given out in the classroom, Unless every child is going to receive one.
@heatherbabes - Lol. Too funny! My guys is going to be 13 and it is so difficult to decide what to do, who to invite. Those he considers friends, don't exactly consider him a friend. It's heartbreaking to say the least!
@aspergers2mom - I agree. I live in a similar neighborhood. This frequently happens to our son. It is horrible that such a thing happened to yours on such a momentous occasion!
@Springingtiger - Lol. I agree. That would shake things up a bit!
@autismwarrior - Exactly. My son is popular enough to have a few "girlfriends" now even. News to me! Ugh. Can I say that again or did I use up all my Ughs on the last reply? Ugh! He's ELEVEN. He's not even allowed to kiss a girl until his wedding day and he wants a co-ed birthday party? Ugh!
@heatherbabes - Oh goodness! Don't get me started on "girlfriends". And I agree with the Wedding Day thing! I saw my daughter kiss her boyfriend of two years and I turned away crying "my eyes are burning!" Needless to say she was not amused ... lol
@autismwarrior - haha! See, the wedding day thing... I figure if I make KISSING such a big deal, that sex would seem something NOT to push the limits on... so far it's working.. I'll update ya if it works out ;)
Right now he plans on kissing his girlfriend for the first time at Prom. Seems reasonable in reality... but in mommaverse reality, not so reasonable .... LOL