Wednesday, 24 March 2010

• The Ugly Side of Aspergers: Life Lesson

  I know many people think that having Asperger’s is a bad thing, and I guess maybe sometimes it is. I am convinced though that there is a silver lining in everything including Asperger’s syndrome. Throughout my life I was often picked on, made fun of and teased, and when I was much younger I was even bullied. When I was in kindergarten, the year was 1976 if I remember right; I had long hair that was as long as any girls and I wore glasses. I bet you can see where this is going, can’t you? Well, I was picked on so bad that first day that I remember it even now. They called me four eyes, and said that I was an ugly girl, and all the nasty things that 5 and 6 year olds say. I came home and got off the bus and I was in tears and hysterical, my mom demanded to know what was going on and I told her all that had happened. I also vowed not to return to school until my hair was cut.

  Once I got into the primary grades especially 4-6 grade I did something that is almost unheard of for someone on the spectrum, I became a bully. By the time I had made it to the fourth grade I was very much a loner and an outsider. I was often the target of some joke, or attack, and I was tired of it. I woke up one morning and I thought to myself “if you don’t want to get picked on anymore you’re going to have to strike first”. I also had a step father that was very abusive and would punish me every time I would get beat up for not being a “man”. I pretty much spent the entire 4-6 grade in detention or the principal’s office and I must have beat up half the school at least twice.

  I had also become a habitual liar during this time as a way to stay out of trouble and protect myself, it was a trend that would continue well into my 20’s, having Asperger’s though I was often such a convincing liar that most people never knew if I was telling the truth or not so I think most of the time they just assumed I was lying. I did not attend Jr. High and I spent 3 years in and out of court with truancy charges until I was 16 and was legally able to quit school, and it took nearly 35 years but I learned some very valuable lessons about life.

  Because of being picked on and being a bully I have learned patience and understanding. I have learned to accept people’s differences and disabilities. I have learned empathy (even if I am not able to visibly show it). I believe that many people act, react, and respond not so much to their environment as to the way they were conditioned to. I have observed even in myself that some days I am as Asperger’s as you can get and other days I am almost neurotypical, and I can to a degree control those thoughts and actions (more on this in a future article).

  I have also switched from being a compulsive liar to not being able to lie at all. I am so brutally; bluntly honest now I often have to censor myself to try to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or being out of line. I still struggle with this whole concept of subtlety; it really is lost on me. I also never learned the art of reading between the lines, and I probably never will. I have, however, learned the contentment and value that comes with being truthful.

  For all the jokes, insults, and hate directed at me that I was able to recognize I bet there was twice as much that was so subtle that I was unaware that it was even going on (sometimes being oblivious is a blessing of being on the spectrum). I am so very grateful for the gift of Asperger’s because it protected me as a shield of sorts against some of the harm that could have or did come my way. I never really got into a lot of the distructive behavior that so many of my neurotypical peers did. I am also very blessed that people like me are so narrow in their focuses that we can switch directions so quickly that I was able to change the path that I was on and take a higher road.

  I could not have done any of it though without the unconditional love of my family, and my wife who has been the biggest blessing of all.

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