We're always trying to figure out how much we should try to live a "normal" life and how much we ought to accommodate Martin's world and make life easier for him. The former has the advantages of challenging Martin to try new things and feel a sense of achievement when things go well. It also involves meltdowns and catastrophes. The latter offers security, but means that we aren't helping Martin continue to grow and live out his life in the world.
The long, unstructured hours of Saturday and Sunday can be a time especially fraught. Should we let Martin do what he wants all day? Or should we try to do the things our family needs to do no matter if it will be tough for Martin? I'm finding that a little of both is necessary.
For instance, Martin needs new rain boots. He hates snow boots and has, instead, worn rain boots every day since the weather got cold. His poor old boots (purple hand-me-downs from a cousin) were getting cracks everywhere. Even the bottom of one had a large crack, causing immeasurable sock sogginess.
Going to buy new boots is no simple task. It involves cajoling Martin into going to a store, trying on items, and waiting in line at a cash register. Although those things might sound routine, for some reason Martin can hardly manage them.
Wooster doesn't have a wide array of stores. Our boot options were limited to K-Mart. Our family drives by the K-Mart about twice a week. Every time, Martin reads the K-Mart sign and the words below it: Little Ceaser's Pizza Station. Imagining it to be like some sort of train depot, Martin always talks about stopping at the pizza station.
This afternoon, I told Martin that I was going to K-Mart. He asked if he could come along and go to the pizza station. I said that we would first have to try on some boots. "No boots," Martin replied, "Just pizza." I came right back: "First boots, then pizza station. I'll make a list." I then took a piece of paper and wrote down the 4 steps of our trip. Riding in the car. Trying on boots. Going to the pizza station. Going home. Martin looked at the paper and said, "OK."
In the car, Martin held the piece of paper with the steps. When we got to the store, he said, "Let's go to the pizza station first." "What does the list say?" I asked. "Oh," said Martin, "try on boots next." We walked back to the shoe department. Martin initially insisted on trying on a pair of women's black boots with pink polka dots. Then I handed him a pair of navy blue boots with green trim. He tried them on, walked up to the register, and stood beside me as a paid. He told the check-out girl, "Now I'm going to the pizza station." I bought Martin a revolting-looking piece of cheese pizza. He loved it. After he gobbled it all, he took my hand and we headed home.
I have to remember that with a few adjustments and a $1.50 pizza budget, I can have a better time with my kid then when I insist on making him do everything in a way that adults would find reasonable.
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Comments (5)
I think most parents deal with how much to cater to their children, even if they aren't on the spectrum.
Honestly, it just depends on what the thing is. I think kids need to learn that things are not going to always go their way. I have never dealt with a child that is autistic so I am sure it is a lot harder to get them to realize that there are rules to follow and sometime those rules won't always be the ones they like. I think you handled the situation well.
@AlterEgo909@xanga - I agree. I understand what some of them are trying to do by catering to what their children wants, but they are going about it all wrong. There are some that give their children everything they want because they didn't get everything they wanted when they are children. Then there are those that think they are teaching their children to make decisions by allowing them to make all the decisions at a younger age. They are forgetting a big part of the picture and that is 1) children at a young age aren't cognitively ready to make all the decisions (our brains are completely mature until around 25) and 2) children need and crave to learn about the world including how to make decisions through their parents (and other adults in their lives).
I think there are lots of ways of bringing up children so I'm not going to be judgemental about who does what. But, I cannot imagine for the life of me that an adult, a parent, would even want to be making decisions for (neurotypical) kids over the age of 18, let alone up to 25. A lot of people are married, with a career, mortgage and kids long before that.
You handled this well. Many parents make these types of deals with
their kids. You just have to spell it out a little more for your son.
He handled this very well.
Loved the list!! Thanks. I think it will help us too...