Saturday, 20 March 2010

• Autism: The abuse, the past and the future...where I'm headed

   

  So I have been considering the past, present, and future, and what it holds for me and my family. As I have said on this blog already I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at Bowling Green State University by a doctor doing research on autism and auditory processing. I, however, failed to get anything in writing. I have always been very lax when it comes to paperwork and keeping records. Luckily for us the school system kept records of our daughter’s diagnoses, and that got me to thinking.

  Memory is a funny thing isn’t it? I have so few memories of my life before I was 17, and while I know some of them are true I have been told by people that some of my memories are faulty and that I have subconsciously replaced people or places for others, or fabricated memories. I believe that my mind has done so as a safety mechanism to protect me. For example I will say to my mom do you remember when…. and she will say yes I do, but that was you and grandma, not you and I. She will sometimes not remember them at all. I am often left wondering if she is suppressing painful memories or if I am. These are my memories right or wrong as I remember them.  

  I do not remember a lot of good things about my childhood, but I remember a lot more of the bad things, is that strange? I remember going out to the RV in December and sneaking peaks at our Christmas presents before my mom could wrap them. I remember taking the 4 hour drive to Cedar Point in that RV to spend the day and eating BBQ beef or pork that would be cooked in the Crockpot the night before. I remember driving down the road in our old roadrunner with the 8track blaring, and swimming with our car inner tubes at the lake in North Carolina I think it was.

  I also remember my stepdad (who was a drug addict) whipping me to the point of abuse, including spankings with boards that had holes drilled in it, thick leather belts, his hand, or pretty much anything else he could hit me with. I also remember him making us stand in the corner with our noses touching the wall for what seemed like an eternity. Another memory I have is that I used to defecate on the floor in the corner of my great grandmothers house when I was about 2 or 3 and I would get whooped extremely hard afterwards, or getting a ruler to my knuckles because my I had trouble learning to write and wanted to use my left hand. I was always being pushed because I wasn’t smart enough, or fast enough, or strong enough. There were also the times when we would be locked out of the house during the hottest part of the day in North Carolina in nothing but our underwear. His abusive ways were not just physical, there was also mental and sexual abuse, and it was not just directed at me, but I remember thinking that as the oldest of four children I should be taking most of his rage on me to protect my brothers, and sisters.

  I remember when I was about 11 and I got in a fight with two 16 year old boys my step dad made me fist fight them both and told me if I refused to fight them that he would whoop my a–. I remember a time when he had a noose hanging in the garage and called me in there and shut the door and told me to hit him if I thought I was man enough to fight him, again I was about 11. My mom was often working two jobs and never knew what was going on. My family decided to move to Florida when I was 12 and I saw this as my chance to escape and I asked, no I threw a fit until I was allow to stay in Ohio with my Great grandmother. I did not see my family again for over 4 years. I was happy to hear that my mom divorced my stepdad shortly after moving to Florida.

  I sometimes regret not going to Florida and my sisters, and brother and I have not really been close since then. I think maybe deep down they feel like I abandon them, but I did not I just could not survive in that place anymore. However, things were no better with my great grandmother. She made me sleep in her bed with her, and refused to let me leave the house or even be out of her sight, because something bad might happen to me. This continued until I was 16 and it is thought that there was sexual abuse involved with her as well, but I have blanked out most of that period in my memory. I do remember that she had Alzheimer’s and I was a 12 year old boy would had to take care of her day in and day out for four years with very little if any help at all. I could not even take care of myself; I had no business being there alone with her. I lived in basically what amounted to isolation for 4 years and came dangerously close to losing touch with reality.

  It seems like I just can never catch a break. I have been married three times, and my first wife left me for another man. She told me that she never loved me and was just using me as support. My second wife only married me to get a green card, but I thought she loved me, and after that I spent 3 years locked in my house and never left, or saw another living soul except for my sisters, and mom. I was more or less happy there all by myself, but soon I gave love another try. I tell you all this so that you can better understand what I have been through and how hard I have had to fight and struggle to live a “normal” life.

  I go into much deeper detail about my life and experiences in the book that I am writing, and I am sure I will write more about them on my blog over time. This post cannot even begin to scratch the surface of what I have been through. Flash forward to today and If you remember, I mentioned the other day that I think I suffer from dyscalculia, well I spoke to my college about making an accommodations for me in math if I do have dyscalculia and I was told I have to go be tested and get a diagnoses. I made an appointment at a mental health center, and they want to give me a full battery of tests including a test to see if I do in fact have Asperger’s since I have nothing in writing from Bowling Green.

  I am very upset about the thought of this, because of how hard I have to fight my entire life to get our daughter and I diagnosed. I can’t not bear to face the fact they might tell me that BG was wrong, and I do not have Asperger’s syndrome. I am scared, I have been different my whole life. Always an outsider, a loner, no friends and misunderstood. I found comfort in computers, and that’s what got me through my twenty’s and the first half of my thirties. I worked as a salesman at best buy and worked my way up to manager of a multimillion dollar pc builder, and Microsoft Gold OEM with only a G.E.D, but even through all that I never made any friends and was always alone. My nephew introduced me to online gaming with Everquest® which I became addicted to playing 12-16 hours a day for five years and later World of Warcraft® , but even playing online games with other people from around the world I always preferred to play by myself and could never make friends.

  I found some comfort in finally having a name to my disability and in time I even learned to accept and embrace it. Learning I had Asperger’s was a real blessing in my life. After, I learned that I might have Asperger’s I read about it, I looked up the signs, I took the online tests and I quickly learned that if Asperger’s had a text book case then surely I was the poster child for Asperger’s. Suddenly and for the first time in my life everything made sense. All my past experiences cascaded through my mind like a vortex, and I could see example after example of one autistic behavior after another that was now so vividly clear I am amazed no one was able to see or recognize it before.

  I also found a community of people like me who understood me and I understood; I finally had a home. Within this home and the safety it provided I was even able to begin to understand and correct wrong thinking and behaviors, I grew more as a person within three years of having a name for my disability then I had in the thirty-five years prior combined. At times I feel like I am almost too neurotypical to really fit in with others on the spectrum, yet too aspie to fit in with neurotypicals and it’s a very lonely and uncomfortable place to be. Having said that I have found that having Asperger’s has been my saving grace and has quickly became my identity, I am terrified of the reality that everything I am will be gone if I was misdiagnosed all those years ago. I finally have something stable in my life as crazy as that might sound. I am finally getting calmness, tranquility and I am able to look to the future and see a bright light at the end of an otherwise very dark tunnel.

  If I do not have Asperger’s what will I do? I have spoke on panels, publish a blog, I am authoring a book, and I am perusing a career all based on the fact that I have Asperger’s. All of that was in vein if I end up being told the doctor at Bowling Green was wrong, I fear that I will have no credibility left. I feel dead inside right at this moment, but I have to have something in writing, so I will go and my fate will be sealed, hopefully once and for all.

   Who will I be if I lose everything I know or have it ripped away from me again?

  • 6:00 PM
  • 865 Views
  • 6 eProps
  • 2 Comments