Tuesday, 16 March 2010

• Starting my journey

  So i'm back from vakation and the need to get myself involved in testing for the spectrum of autisme has grown.

  The evening i sprung the idee about testing went rather well allthough i had many reservations cause it was not the first time i was entertaining the idee that i myself was posiable also autistic. Remembering how my husband then reacted to my idee i was sure that he's shoot this one down. Yet to my suprise and maybe thanks to the help of others he was rather willing to get himself tested as well.  
  

  Still the idee that he's not 100% behind the idee haunts me. During the vacation came yet another collision between him and me and how our 'married life' should be. He had excused himself that he couldnt show me properly how much he loved me by which i replied i understand and how ever you express it is okay with me. I myself am not much beter in that department. Yet soon afterwards he says that i am the one holding back in the deal. I thought here we go again!

  Last week when i ran into my best friend, he ask me 'well how was your vacation' i replied it was okay although we were argueing one again. He could see i was at odds about it and it did me good to talk to someone about it.

  More the reason to get us both tested. Our sons guidness cousiler and the lady who helps us out with the forms and such, had talked about that should my husband get himself tested as wel then our son would have one extra person in his life whom he could relate to as being a adult with autisme, which may help his own self confinence.  The reaction to it all and how my husband presents the adventure to people around us, its like we are both doing it to sort of proef to our son that possiable we are as well autisic. Not promoting the idee that i myself have very strong idees that its is true and that i need to know it all be it for myself to understand why i have always ben stumbuling around.

  If you ask me it will answer some question i have about my husbands behavior in our relationship as wel as that of mine. I love him yet i have that constant feeling that there is a problem with the commuication at times which sometimes drives me to think am i suppose to be in this relationship. This thought i have ponderd the last couple of years. I have become more 'socialable' all is it mostly online, still i am daring to meet others. With the up coming problems that in some cases i have gotten realy close to some of them. Now i am exposed to the idee of becoming emotionaly envolved with a other person. Thus exploring a part of me which i never in the past would have cause i was always afraid to step out of the shadows. I must say my husband is my first serious love and that i have never 'lived' on my own. Okay i did move thousands of miles to another country, i am born and raised in the USA and live sinds my 23rd birthday in the Netherlands, being the reason my english is sometime not up to par. Yet in the true sense of it all. I lived 24/7 at home exept the hours spent at school and at the 'forced' outside school activities such as basketball and field hockey. My parents 'forced' me to get involved in things with others of my age, i did as was told, yet always had a battle with them about them attending or at least showing interest which didn't make it easier for me. After graduation, my parents orgainized, after years of saying i'm going to move to the Netherlands, a 6 month work in Holland. After that i moved in with my family out there [both my parents are from Holland] which in a few months was no longer allowed by my parents and as a 19yr i did what i was told and came back to the USA. A few years later i moved out for good to the Netherlands, first living with family once again then when that became to difficult cause i just didnt fit in with thier family 'things' i went indeed to live on my own which was soon ended cause i became involved with my husband which resulted with after a few months moving in with him.

  The last couple of years i have taken steps to learn more about how it is to be an adult and how it is to stand on my own two feet.

  till next time......

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