The clock flashed 1:11 am....
My ears had been listening to the nonstop vocal stemming for 4 hours now. My eyes could barely stay open. I had tried every trick I had up my sleeve; brushing, reiki, floor-time... This was just something we had to ride out.
1:24 am... I was tired, I knew we had a busy day ahead of us; Music therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. Mondays are our busy days... coming off of a 3 week bout of the kidney stones my mind and body was tired and weak. So tired! Patience has been drained from my essence... I snapped in a voice that must have seemed ferocious to her, "SAHARA, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!" She started to cry. Not a tired cry, but a I'm mad at you hurt my feelings kind of cry!'. She was screaming on top of her lungs this dramatic forced angry cry!! Then she yelled, "I HATE YOU!" (pause) "I HATE YOU!" I was stunned!!
I laid there in disbelief, not sure if I should cry or laugh. I rewound to the moment my older daughter, Emily, uttered those painful 3 words. I remembered the devastation in my heart and felt a twinge of motherly pain.
1:28 am...
I wasn't sure how to respond, so I laid there listening to the screams and cries of her processing the foreign emotion of being angry at her mother. I felt bad I raised my voice. I felt guilty knowing she couldn't control the stemming. And I felt helpless in the knowledge that if I interrupted her, she would have to start all over resulting in a long sleepless night.
1:30 am...
Part of me was quietly relieved as I reached over to rub her warm back. She uttered those hateful words! This had huge significance! It meant that she understood she was pissed off and she understood she was angry with me... not the stemming, not the autism, but at her mother for losing her patience. She had come out of her stemming and appropriately experienced her emotions.
1:34 am...
She rolled over into my motherly arms and rest her head upon my breast. She whimpered as she fiddled with my fingers. "Sahara, I love you," I gently whisper as I stroked her tears away. "I love you more than the infinite universe."
1:36 am...
All was quiet. I heard the rise and fall of her exhausted sleep. I brushed away my tears and sighed, "I am so sorry."
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Comments (6)
Took a while for mine to be even capable of saying 'I hate you!' but it came, eventually. It's so hard to figure out the 'normal' developmental milestones and the 'autism' milestones. Either way, the ability to verbalize emotions, not re-press them is a milestone in and of itself. What a package. Sifting becomes an every increasing skill for us parents.
I used to say "If a child does not tell their parents at least once a day that they hate them, then the parents aren't doing their job!" It was an attempt to make light of a common, but still tramauticish, event.
I am happy that she was able to stop stemming and express herself! Coming from someone who is autistic herself, and can tell you countless times where I was UNable to do that.. I know how hard it must've been for her and am proud of her FOR YOU.... :) heh...
Aside from that, I hope the next day went well...
nice
Oh you poor dear. She doesn't really mean it, she said things in the heat of the moment... unaware of the impact of those devastating words on you.
One night, thankfully only one night, Joshua crawled around on our bed going "dikka dikka dikka dikka" for three solid hours. Nothing would settle him down. I'm not sure why it was only that one time, but it was certainly quite memorable.
Taking care of a sleepless autistic child is so exhausting, and I'm sorry you have to go through these nights.