Monday, 15 February 2010
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My Life in a Bubble with Aspergers
Ten years ago today I returned from Beijing where I'd taught for the fall and winter. (The food is great, but don't drink the water and don't breathe the air! And do bring your rain and winter gear.)
This was the first full-time job I ever had that required so much as a college degree and I fouled it up seriously. I only realized how seriously in the weeks and months to come.
In the year 2000, I first learned how much my personality problems could cost me. Suffice it to say for now that it eventually became clear I would probably never again work full-time in the field I had studied (Economics).I tried to come to terms with why and how I was having so much difficulty getting along with people and why I kept getting rejected especially in jobs. Not knowing (as opposed to conjecturing based on projecting my own motivations) just how most people actually operate, I worked from a very bad map...and my efforts to make the terrain conform to the map of course came to nothing.
Only three years later, when Emily first told me about AS, did I have any idea that I was in effect trying to drive an English car (with the steering wheel on the right-hand side, made for driving on the left side of the road) on American roads (where you drive in cars with steering wheels on the left-hand side, on the right side of the road).
AS destroys relationships in such a way that the Aspie, without already knowing she or he is one, does not know what's going on or even that she or he sees the world very differently from others. Other people, frustrated at his or her seeming inability to empathize with others, to "get" things without being told or to use tact, blow up at the Aspie and accuse him/her of being lazy, rude, even sociopathic. Meanwhile, since the Aspies do not know what is going on and only sees people blowing up with little apparent (to him/her) rhyme or reason, may come to think the world is a hostile place, full of irrational people.
Knowing and acknowledging at first to yourself that you're an Aspie is the all-important first step to reversing this vicious pattern.
What do you think?
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About the Author
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- From: buildingcommonground
- Name: Dr. Jeffrey Deutsch
- About Me: "I've checked out your blog and, I have to say that the breadth and scope of information is quite impressive." - Dr. Bonni Alpert, director of Student Disability Services, Western New England College I have Asperger Syndrome (AS), which is on the autism spectrum; I call myself an Aspie. My wife, Emily, is a neurotypical - NT for short. A SPLINT (ASPies LInking with NTs) is my life coaching/presenting business. I help individuals on the autism spectrum, and give presentations to service providers, first responders, employers and others on how to recognize and work well with people on the spectrum. Also, I teach Economics to MBA students. You can see my blog itself at buildingcommonground DOT blogspot DOT com. I'd love to hear from you at jeff UNDERSCORE deutsch AT asplint DOT com.
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Comments (4)
I do not know I don't have Asperger's but my husband does. I can certainly relate to the last paragraph about getting frustrated with my husband's inability to be flexible and adjust to changing social situations and his inability to get social cues. I am learning to be patient and I've started pointing things out to him even though I am afraid that it would offend him. It hasn't so far, he appreciates it but states he still doesn't get why people act the way they do.
Even knowing and realizing that I see the world very differently than most people... I still run into social situations that frustrate, confuse, and otherwise baffle me. I have learned to ask for clarification, but people then look at me like I'm stupid, which I'm not. That aggravates me. I can grasp concepts that "you" couldn't even begin to understand, and because I don't get "your" joke or understand "your" slang, I'm stupid?
People also mumble a lot or run their words together, that means to me, "I heard THAT you said something, but did not understand WHAT you said." I look like the idiot when I ask "you" to repeat it. It isn't a problem with my hearing, it's a problem with auditory processing, especially if there is a lot of background noise going on.
I see all people as more or less equals. Which has proven problematic for me, since there are some people who insist that they are superior and others who well... are not quite up to par? They aren't capapble of keeping up with that standard. Fine, you can be better at something than I am... but that doesn't make you better than me as a person... you can be lousy at something I'm good at, but that doesn't make you a lesser person than me. Different people have different skill sets. My problem is this notion of created heirarchies of authority where just because someone is in a certain role that they think it's ok to treat others like they're beneath them. Uh, nope. I think I learned a bit too much about chain of command from Star Trek, where the captain actually RESPECTED his crew. Chain of command I understand and will happily abide... but this "bowing" to people in authority or acting as though those people are like seated next to God or something? Uh, not happening. I have no reverence for people. God yes, people no.
This reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld where a bubble boy appears, it was one of the best episodes ever.
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