I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And I've come to the realization that conventional wisdom isn't always so wise. Especially when it comes to some conventional thoughts on parenting.
In the beginning, I listened to all the mainstream strategies and theories. Yep, I read the books. I even nodded my head in silent agreement.
Kids need boundaries. They need consequences. And if they act out? They must be either manipulating or somehow getting a payoff for the bad behavior. Why, with a little consistency and clear limits, all would be well. It was all so very clear.
And now?
All I can say is "Yeah, right."
Now I know. It ain't that simple. The majority of the behavior I see has nothing to do with behavior at all. Physical issues, sensory issues, allergy issues, chemistry issues, cognitive issues -- these are all underlying causes that manifest with "bad behavior."
I write this post not for the seasoned parents out there. You already know all this -- and how.
Tonight I write for the newbies. The ones who still listen to the voices. You know the ones. They tell you you must be a bad parent. You're doing something terribly wrong. They give you all sorts of seemingly good advice. Why else would your child continue to act this way?
But more importantly, I write this for those who are unfamiliar with the struggle. And for you I have a plea.
Please, please do not judge. Do not whisper when you see a child melting down in the store. Hold back the looks, the sidewards glances.
Know that even more damaging than the looks are the words.
"All he needs is some good, old fashioned discipline."
"You can't let her get away with that. How will she ever
learn?"
"Some parents have no control over their kids."
"If that was
my kid...."
Don't think we're paying attention? Think again. We see you. We hear you. We're just trying to ignore you.
And now, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You're clueless. I mean this in the kindest way, really I do. Its just that you have no idea what you're talking about. You don't know how much we do for our kids. How vigilant we have to be. And most of all -- you have no idea the challenges these "misbehaving" kids have to face, every single day.
A long time ago, I read Ross Greene's book, The Explosive Child. While I don't follow all his strategies, I whole-heartedly agree with the premise.
Kids want to be good. They want to please. When they can't, they don't need our condemnation, but our guidance instead. So next time you see some kid acting out next to you in the grocery line, please don't judge.
Wouldn't it be so much better to lend the parent a helping hand instead? And if that's not possible, how about just a nice, warm knowing smile?
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Comments (4)
I couldn't have said it better myself.
You hit the nail right on the head. I am a mother raising an Autistic child with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I know the struggle you deal with everyday; and I commend you on your courage and patience. Learning patience, has to be the hardest lesson to learn when raising a mentally challenged child. My prayers are with you; and just remember, you are not alone. I just started writing a blog about my daily struggles at praisetruth@xanga.com stop by and read some of my entries. I think just knowing that you're not alone in this; and that there are people who understand what you're going through is a huge comfort. Let's speak up and get the word out, "We're not bad parents, this is just a bad disorder"!
This is so very very true.
I remember one of my brothers who was dealing with severe ADHD+dyslexia growing up and who would at times have a melt-down (often in the supermarket, yes) he'd scream, yell, threaten, break stuff, even hurt people sometimes. I remember Mum carrying him out of the supermarket when he was in full temper tantrum screaming and it seemed like everybody at the shops was staring at her - I wasn't old enough at the time to really know how hard that must have been for her.
The thing is, when he'd finally calmed down again completely he'd often cry and explain to Mum over and over how he wanted to be a good boy and he was so very sorry. He was a good boy, his brain just sometimes didn't let him express that goodness... and he's grown up into a beautiful, strong, helpful, polite man who seems to have endless patience at times. He still deals with his dyslexia, but despite that he has a good stable job where he's been promoted many times, he volunteers for the community and has a wonderful partner and owns his own home. I believe he'll make a great father when they decide to have kids.
I know most of the readers here will still be dealing with young children with behavioural problems and I just wanted to remind you that your kid who's thrashing on the floor and screaming at you will grow up. And of course I can't promise you that your child will become a good and kind adult any more than I can promise that your neighbours' kids will do so, but I know that it's possible - I've seen it happen with my own eyes.
Jeshyr
Thanks to all for the kinds words. And thank you Jeshyr for reminding me that this too will pass someday. My son also feels horribly remorseful after a meltdown or rage. He does want to be good.
Its always nice to hear from someone further along in this journey. It gives me so much hope!