Tuesday, 19 January 2010

• My Stimming, Ticks, Quirks and More.

  I had an appointment today to go see the women that first diagnosed me with asperger’s to get another assessment and documentation stating her findings, but we had to reschedule to next late next week. I almost immediately started feeling panicked and sick to my stomach. I told her I would skip class on Monday if she could see me, because I really need to hear her findings. I am often in physical pain,  and have cramps, and intestinal problems including frequent, and lengthy trips to the restroom when I am upset, worried or nervous about anything.

  After I got off the phone with her I even sent her an email directing her to blog so that she could read it if she so chooses. I really do not know why I did that I guess it somehow made me feel better.  I also found myself pacing back and forth in a circle and mumbling to myself which I have not done in a long time. When I think about it now that I look back I often used to pace the floor and talk to myself, but I never really understood why. It has only been in the past six months that I have been realizing a lot about myself.  
  

  Things that I have learned about myself in the past year include things like; my walking and pacing is how I cope with stress, I normally look at the ground, and rub or move my hands in a very animated way while doing it. Sometimes I will shake my head back and forth as I pace as if I were telling the floor no. I use it to calm down, think, and work things out in my head. Sometimes I can pace for hours over what someone else might consider a very minor or trival thing. I also cannot drink milk, because I cannot digest it. I get very gassy within 5-10 minutes of drinking a glass of milk and it seems to get worse as I age, although I can tolerate goats milk fairly well. I am better able to handle ice cream and cheese but not much. I also can’t eat the red sauce on pizza or spaghetti, it tears my stomach up. I have also noticed I spend a lot of time in the bathroom, and often make several trips a day to that room. Or the fact when I am upset I often get cramps and diarrhea. I have this thing about water, I can drink bottled water all day long, but I refused to drink tap water because I am afraid it’s dirty or contaminated. I also have to have no ice in my sodas at places like McDonalds, because I feel like I am being cheated or over paying if there is ice in the cup.  I also prefer 20oz bottles of cola to fountain drinks even though you get double or triple the amount for the same price when you buy the fountain drink because I don’t want to drink that much soda; yet, I buy two liters for myself without a second thought.

  I have also noticed that I often feel like I have to be the last one to say something when I am talking to someone, and will even text, email, or say things off topic, or that makes no sense; because if they say something and I don’t respond I get anxious and feel like something has been left undone and I can’t move on until it is finished. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that although I have never had a friend in my entire life I want to connect with another human being on this level. I love my wife, and she is my friend, but I am talking about having a friend that I am not married to. I am fascinated by people and I am always curious and want to know everything. I have tried so many times to make friends and I always end up talking to much about one thing that I am interested in, or I do not respond to them in the way they think I should. I fail to react or engage them with their interests or hobbies. Talking to me can be a pretty one sided and selfish conversation with it leaning toward me most of the time. I also used to have a lot more boundary issues about what it was appropriate to say, or ask questions about, if I needed or wanted to know something, or did not understand something the questions would pretty much just come right out, but I am getting much better with understanding that now. For example I was having coffee with a lady that I know, and who my wife knows and approves of, and she looked up and said “Oh, look there is a priest”, and then looked around the room. So because she is married and so am I my autistic brain kicked in with probably the stupidest question that anyone could ask. I said “Are you uncomfortable that were both married and having coffee together, and is that why you just scanned the room with your eyes”? Well, it turns out she just didn’t have a watch on and wanted to know what time it was. These are the social suicides that I pretty much commit daily, because it is somehow always about me. I do not mean to make it about me, but whenever anything bad happens (and since most of the time I tend to make things bigger then they are, or misinterpret things) I just assume it is my fault somehow.

  I have also realized that through some miracle from God that I am a pretty good father. My daughter has asperger’s and life with her is a challenge at times, but she just enrolled in college and wants to become a social worker so that she can help others, I am hoping that she learns to better understand herself in the process. My step sons, who are just my sons in my heart (I dislike the work step when referring to children) are well adjusted young men. My oldest boy is in JR ROTC and wants to be an officer in the Air Force; he also has plans to attend college before joining. My youngest son has played in the band at school for 4 years and wants to get a scholarship to play for a college marching band. Both boys are in scouts and only one badge away from being able to apply for Eagle Scout. Our oldest boy also went to Philmont in New Mexico and spent 10 days climbing the mountains there. I am not involved as much as I would like with their activities, and I find it almost impossible to attend the scout meetings because I feel so out of place and like if I open my mouth something stupid will come out and people will look down on my kids. I do not want my kids to suffer because I am socially inept. I am very protective of my children and everyone who meets them always tell me how respectful, polite, and well mannered they are, and I thank God everyday that although I make a lot of mistakes that raising my children is one thing that I somehow managed to get right. I am very proud of my family as you can probably tell.

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  What quirks do you have?
  
  

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