Tuesday, 19 January 2010
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Where Have You Gone?
I want to surround myself with people who want to be part of my life. It seems like a pretty simple and basic concept. If you don't really want to be part of my life and all that comes with it then it seems like a charade to keep up appearances. Like everything is OK. Like nothing has changed. Ignoring the tension in the room that is thick and uncomfortable and sad.
It hurts me that people who were once so close to me and my family and our situation with Nicholas are gone. They now fit into that category of those who don't really want to be part of my life. It is really one of the cold hard realities of adulthood; you can't make people care about you or your situation. When the love and support of family and friends is so important and all you hear is a deafening silence, that cuts deep. It would almost be better if I had not known any of these people rather than have them evaporate. How can you behave as if you have a deep connection and affection one day and then, at the worst of times, that is gone. Like an entire chunk of time never was. And then to proceed in that vein as nothing is different, like it has always been this way. They smile and make small talk and inquire about Nick with glancing blows that come more from a sense of obligation than love. Or worse yet they hide in the shadows gathering information for the sake of gossip but lack the courage or decency to show thier faces. How do people who you thought loved you and loved him do that?
Each time you encounter these people the bandage is ripped off again and again and again and it is like you can't believe that it can continue like this and it does and it is hurtful and you wish you could make the entire relationship go away but at the same time, deep down, you know you need and want these people to ask with passion and listen with intent and care for you when every last ounce of caring and compassion in your soul has been wrung out and spent on your child, and your spouse and all those you care about in your own life and you have very little left for yourself. How can they not see that or care about that, how?
I want to surround myself with people who want to be part of my life. I want to shed the disappointing familiarity of those who are close by virtue of blood but have abandoned me emotionally. I want to embrace the cursory friends and co-workers, the acquaintances who show concern and consideration. The care givers who work tirelessly with the most helpless and needy among us. Those who reach-out, those who pull you in closer, those who want me and my family and especially my son. I want to develop the wisdom to forgive those who have let me down and let him down and learn to look elsewhere for comfort and love, among those who want to be part of who we are, a part of who Nick is and will become. God grant me that wisdom.
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Do you find that some friends and family may distance themselves from you or your family due to Autism?
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About the Author
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- From: mylifeinhisworld
- About Me: My son Nicholas is an intelligent and energetic 16 year old who just happens to be autistic. Being his dad has changed my life in a million ways. I love him very much. This blog is about him, me, our family, and our life with autism.
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Comments (2)
I so understand your feelings. There is family I no longer even talk to because of how they treated my children and myself. I understand the pain it causes too. But you know what, you have a family that does love you. Those so-called friends who are not there for you anymore, well we all need to recognize when people are just not worth our time and hurt feelings. They don't deserve the time you spend being hurt. There are many places to find support. It took me 15 years but I have found social media and people who really understand. I hope you reach out to us on Fb or twitter. We are all here for you.
I am an Aspie. There this girl who I became friends with, As we were becoming friends, I kept telling her that most people thought I was too weird to be friends with and that I couldn't emotionally handle letting her close in because if she ever abandoned me I wouldn;t be able to handle it. Well, she kept telling me she would never hurt me, that I would always be her friend and got me to open up to her and trust her. We would hang out, joke and flirt. I loved being friends with her.
Well, one day I sent her flowers... She liked them and knew I was attracted to her. I told her up front and she was ok with it. I always complimented her, flirted with her, wrote her poems, etc,., Problem was, she was an employee at the Nursing Home I lived at. Her boss found out and they treated me badly. The girl then immediately "dumped" me and wouldn't even talk to me. Neither of us thought there was anything wrong with being friends. There was nothing romantic going on other than the flirting which was just playful.
I got so upset and confused. I wasn't mad at her. But I kept trying to talk to her. It got to the point where I intentionally hurt myself right in front of her, hoping she'd at least sat something to sstop me. I was so confused and hurt and didn't know what to do. I still don't. I am still obsessed by her and don't know what to do. I'm living on my own now and she'[s no longer with the nursing home, but she won't talk to me at all. I need closure and it drives me mad. So I understand how it feels. I just don't make any friends, you can't trust NTs. I hate myself and my life a lot and wish I could make friends but I can't trust...