Friday, 08 January 2010

• You don't show me sympathy!

  

  How many times has that accusation been hurdled at me? Millions. How many times has it hurt my feelings? Once.

  Today, as a matter of fact. Thomas and I were watching a Clean House episode where an adopted daughter felt rejected by her mother. There was loads of emotional baggage. One of the things this daughter said was that she felt her mom didn't care. Thomas turned to me and said "You don't do that either." I was confused. "What do you mean? What don't I do?" He said "You don't show me sympathy."

  Bam. The tears threatened to come and I wanted to should "YES I DO!!" But this is the dilemma for those of us with an ASD. We feel. We have empathy. But our attempts at showing it often don't shine through to others. The fact that Thomas also has Asperger's may also play a part in his not picking up my attempts at showing him sympathy.

  I also don't show much sympathy when he acts overly dramatic about an injury. That part is completely 100% true and I own it. If you're not dead, dying or bleeding, is there really any need to scream as if you're being murdered? No. There's not. I understand his need to express the pain and sometimes the anger and humiliation about the injury. I accept it. But I will not be a victim to it. And yes, I feel like a victim when Thomas goes bonkers over stubbing a toe or tripping over HIS toy.  
  

  After making sure Thomas is not severely injured or that it does not require first aid, my sympathy level goes down. I do tell him that I feel bad for him having a sore toe, finger, thigh, ankle, soreness dujour. And I also make a mental note when he voices these complaints when there is a test coming up in school, when someone else is getting attention, or if I'm working online.

  Yes, I do believe sometimes Thomas makes it up just to get that special time with me. So I don't reward that behavior. Instead, I make sure he's really okay, and then move on. At another point in time, we'll do something together becuase he's obviously wanting time with me. We'll either twitter online (his newest passion) or watch TV together, play cards... whatever I can do at that moment. Sometimes it's just sitting and talking about how I don't spend enough time with him.

  Thomas is one of those kids that just don't seem to get enough no matter what I do or give or say. I've come to grips with that most of the time. I had practice through my niece Rachel. I had custody of her for three years and she had reactive attachment disorder. (I wrote about that on my Special Needs Kids Examiner column). They truly suck the emotional life out of a parent because they CANNOT get enough time and attention. That's part of the problem.

  Like I said, most of the time I'm okay with doing what I can when I can and knowing that it just has to be enough. I'm only human. My son is not neglected, no matter what he may think from time to time. But then there are those times where he can utter one phrase that just breaks my heart. Tonight was one of those times.

  However, just to make sure, I will make a concerted effort to show him more sympathy in the future. Maybe he's right and it's not enough for him to pick up on it. I'd hate for him to think that I don't care.

  I do care. I do feel. I am human.

  • 3:15 PM
  • 228 Views
  • 6 eProps
  • 3 Comments