Sunday, 03 January 2010

• It Isn't Always Easy

  When my mom first showed up, and I wrote that first post, I decided that I wasn’t going to fill every minute of the day trying to find some way to hate her all over again. I didn’t need to find ways, I had enough…and I wasn’t going to fill the empty pages here with the distaste I feel for a certain person. Not only is it low, she isn't’t here to defend herself, and while my side of the story may or may not be true…she has her side that she is entitled to. I am big on giving both sides of the story, and as a result, I decided I would refrain from all the wonderful tales that I have from this past, almost week, of time spent with her.

  But it hasn’t been easy. 
  

  I don’t know how many times I have sat down, and filled a page or two, before looking back and realizing that it all held the negative aspects of life…and I had to ask myself…is this really something I'm going to want to look back on and actually REMEMBER? Is this something that, come sometime in the near future the kids might want to read? Is it really fair to record MY side, without hers? And I would delete it.  

  
  

  Its not easy, living with someone you don’t get along with, or someone you don’t exactly see eye to eye with, but it is much harder to try and find the positive, the good, in a person like this. I heard once that the people who you need to be the nicest to are the people you hate the most. Not for their benefit, but for yours. I've tried this week, to make an attempt at the positive. I will say that I have not done well. In fact, I have spent many days with my mouth clamped shut, biting my tongue…I have spent many hours outside, wishing to cool down. Because I am not that great at thinking positive. Let alone, TALKING positive.

  Its been a real work out. Mentally, at least.

  I have spent those hours outside asking myself “Is this really something you want to say?” and answering back “Yes, yes it is” only to have to spent another hour outside to remind myself that no. That is NOT what needs to be said.

  She has seen the ins and outs of Josh's ups and downs. She has seen him flip out, freak out, and all the rest. She has been around to witness first hand the struggles and success we have with him. She has been there to help cheer him on, and has walked out of the store a few times with us. Just because she came, didn’t mean that Josh's problems would just disappear. She got to see first hand what happens, and how it happens…and that most times, it isn’t anyone's fault. That he isn’t an unruly kid, who lacks discipline or self control.

  She saw the unorganized chaos, the messes, the fits, and fights. She saw it all. In less than a week.

  Yet she still has no “Immediate” plans to leave.

  Shes been head butted by Josh, yelled at by Dylan, and even had some attitude from Madison. She came here to see how it was, and shes seen. Just what goes on. Everyday. All day long.

  And as much as I really do NOT want to say it, I hope she saw some good too.

  I hope she saw the hugs and kisses. I hope she heard the laughter, and saw the rare moments of kindness that was shared between two siblings. I hope she saw through the mess and chaos, and realized that there is more that goes on here. That Josh isn’t ALL about fits and freaking out. I hope she got to see him in action. I hope she heard his contagious laugh, and maybe, just maybe, got to see what a real day here is all about. I hope she realized that the messes could be cleaned, and the laundry would be there in the morning. I hope she knows that I'm not trying to give these kids a slow death, but rather trying to raise them up, to have a full life…even though some days the creek does sound promising.

  I hope she saw past the unclean, trashed, tight, smelly house, and into the lives of her grand kids.

  I hope she got the second chance she wanted. Whatever it was she was looking for, I hope she found it. I hope they gave it to her, and she was able to see through the mess I've created. I hope she realized that they are (mostly) happy and (usually) healthy. I hope shes knows there is more than what meets the eye.

  And I really hope she books a ticket soon, because this positive gig isn’t going to last much longer. I'm just saying.

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