Wednesday, 09 December 2009

• The End and a New Beginning: Aspies and Peer Rejection

  We have had a problem lately with Highschoolboy’s best friend. I don’t think he wants to be friends anymore and doesn’t have the ability to tell HSB. He has really lame excuses for not coming to the phone when HSB calls, and then never calls back.  In fact I ran into his mother today and asked if everything was alright. I thought that the friend was really sick and she looked surprised. I had even left messages on her phone to that effect and she never returned the calls, so I don’t know what to think about what is really going on. I even kept asking if it would be ok if HSB called and they would get together and she kept ignoring the question and telling me how the friend has driving lessons. I wanted to say to her “man-up” bitch and tell me that your kid doesn’t want to be friends anymore. They have been friends since third grade and I think HSB deserves the respect to be told not to bother anymore instead of being shot down every week.  However, I do know that the important part I need to play in this friend’s egocentric drama is to make sure HSB doesn’t end up really really hurt by the rejection.   
  

  You know it’s tough enough when your NT child has to deal with rejection from a longtime friend or from a romantic partner. For an aspie it can be very wrenching. I know my sons are very loyal persons and will be someone’s friend to the bitter end. I know that they will not think badly of their “friend” even if the friend rejects them. I know they will blame themselves and wonder what they did wrong. Or they will wait for the friend to change their minds and come back. In fact I had this conversation with HSB the other day about the best friend. He is certain that the best friend will change his mind and comeback to their friendship.  Meanwhile I am trying to find him another friend as I make sure that HSB remembers what a great kid he is and that anyone would be lucky to have him as a friend.

  Luckily HSB’s case manger invited him to join the bowing team. At first he was terribly reluctant. It was out of his norm and aspie’s don’t like change. But he went anyway and actually did quite well. He played the three games, rented his own bowling shoes (even though there was a disagreement about whether he should tie the laces or not with the case manager. Needless to say she won), and ordered his own snack. He took turns and was quite the sportsman. He of course didn’t want to go back again because that is not what he normally does on Mondays. However after a discussion at home, which included a slight meltdown on his part, HSB is now going bowling with the bowing team on Mondays only. I did give in to him that he didn’t want to participate in the matches on Thursdays. I realized it was too much too soon. He also acknowledges that he is not a good bowler and I think he doesn’t want to embarrass himself at a match.

  All good I think. In fact, this past Monday the case manager said he was great. He waited where he was supposed to for the bowling team bus, without any assistance. He did the shoe rental and even tied his shows without protest. He ordered his snack. He even played the sportsman, high-fiving the members of his team when they did well. She purposely paired him with some seniors who are all about the fun now and don’t care how HSB bowls. They are a friendly group of boys and very supportive of HSB. I told HSB how proud I am that he did so well, and that he been more social. However, as any respectable aspie would do he did quantify his sociability as a minimal amount above the previous week, but I told him that a little more each time was good. That next week maybe he could try to talk to the boys also. They are only one year older than him. It’s not like they don’t have things in common. YES! A new social outlet.

  He also did join the film club which meets on Thursday mornings. They watch films and discuss them. This is right up HSB’s alley. He so loves film. In fact he is getting quite the reputation as a “film boy” in school. If you want to understand the purpose or underlying nuance of a film ask HSB. So here’s another outlet. He has one more marking period for film study but then he gets to make his own films next semester. Another class he excels in and is famous for unique perspectives. Maybe these will all gel for him and someone will appear to befriend him.

  I have to admit I have tried to get him to call another boy who is also very shy. He is a sweet kid very much on the outside of things. No not an aspie just not into the teenage scene and quite frankly not sure that the family has money which would be a hindrance to many friendships in this town. (Don’t ask about the screwed up priorities of the denizens of my little hamlet.  Not very healthy let me tell you) I will just quietly keep mentioning this child. He has always been nice to HSB. They even went to the same computer camp together and were fairly friendly for the summer. Unfortunately the problem is HSB’s mindset that he can only have one friend at a time and he is still intent on waiting for the old best friend to come to his senses.

  The only positive aspect of this drama with the old best friend and his inability to be truthful or real about what is going on, is that HSB forgets to call to invite him over and I have taken to not reminding him. It is better that way. I think HSB knows deep down inside what the score is. He is not oblivious to the reality that his friend has stopped coming over; he just needs to come to the conclusion that it is time to move on with his life. I think as with everything that HSB does he will take his time coming to that resolution, but once he does he will move on to the next phase of his life. Find a new best friend and once again have videogame challenges, and a computer surfing mate to hang out with. It may be too much to hope for, but I’m thinking next best friend may be a girl. Of course that has other complications but HSB is quite enamored and very busy looking around for a partner. Be careful what I wish for you say...actually all I really wish for, is for him to be happy. Sound familiar?

   

  Until next time,

   

  Elise

  
  
  

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