My situation is similar, but still different from yours. When I was a kid, I was a  CIT  or "counselor in training" at this summer program my Mom was a teacher's aide to, for kids who are "mentally and/or physically handicapped" [the rules have changed since then].

So, I had a little bit of background before entering parenthood with mine.

It took a few years, and the other half sees the kids as his own - which is the ideal. I had initially stated, "these kids aren't your kids" - but, in essence, they *are* - or what else are they doing there??

Rather, I stressed certain situations where, when he has typical behavior patterns, what to expect - and how to circumvent. I also backed it with volumes of books, papers, and living examples.

We both simultaneously want the same thing for the kids - to grow and be able to launch from there, as we both grew and launched from our respective parents.

We established - and often re-establish - patterns and the cause/effect of given behavioral problems. He suggests one direction - I counter with a given series of predicted outcomes, based on empirical research and/or my gut feeling, then we sort of meet in the middle.

In an earlier comment from another article, one person wrote that when asked, "DO you understand me??", and the reply was "No" - that was not "smart-mouthing" - that was an honest answer to what was not understood to be a rhetorical question. We came across this kind of thing on a few occasions, and I interrupted quickly by looking at my kid and saying, "rhetorical", then at my husband, saying, "Hold. Let me get this."

Then, I broke it down for my son, asked, "Got it? You screwed up.", and the situation did not escalate. Explaining the literal mind of one with autism, and explaining that a preteen or teen with high-functioning, moderate autism has an IQ above the charts, an emotional reactivity of a ten-year-old, a speech pattern of an old man new to the English language, and the emotional depth and capacity of feeling several emotions simultaneously without the "confusion" between them. These and other neurological differences between those within the autistic spectrum and those who are neurotypical are specifically why these kids are "not like your kids" - and can't be handled the same way.

Explaining the neurological differences, and re - identifying the target goals helped, as well as putting structure in the home - patterns that can be relied on. Structure, organization, "making things fit" - whether emotions, schedules, wardrobe, or time to do routine chores, we do our best to adhere to it - and found far less outbursts along the way.

When a situation arises that has to be addressed, we let ours know what is going on, that we are angry, that we will come back to the topic when the dust has settled. Then, my husband and I talk things through, reach a common ground [often begrudgingly, but it has to be done], and approach it as we agree. If I catch signs that there's a problem, I hold up a hand, state, "pause", and allow each a turn to have their say.

Groundation, other corrective measures - they will be used. In the outside world, on the work force, people will yell -- and we've both [he, more than me] yelled on a few occasions - but the other will interrupt to quiet the tone, so that the automatic reaction is not to tune out [turns out, this works twice as effective on grownups, too!].

The biggest thing is - there are more than a dozen times when he is right in matters of what has to be done in regards to the kids; however, there are also more than a dozen times when it is *how* it is done, that I have to intercede.

This was one long-winded reply - sorry! - but I hope it gave insight. My husband and I have been married for a decade, and he is 20 years my senior, for a bit of background.