You always try to anticipate it, there are signs. You are never prepared for it. Too often it comes out of nowhere.
It is not autism.
There is something somewhere deep inside that trips and Nick disappears, he is no longer there. He is not the one kicking wildly and swinging fists or gouging and pinching and clawing wildly or biting and screaming and thrashing. He is lost somewhere, a place no one can reach. He is not in control. No one, I am afraid, is in control.
He cannot be reasoned with, he cannot be cajoled, and a stern reprimand is futile, even though every attempt is made. Nick is not there. This can only be managed, it cannot be stopped. You do your best to keep everyone safe while it runs its course. You pray and you cry and you scream and you curse and you plead and you hope. You hope it will end soon and you hope that this time is the last time, but in that small dark place in your mind you know it is not the last.
Doctor after doctor, treatment after treatment and it always comes back, and it makes you a prisoner, like Nick. The threat of its return means you never stray far, you avoid social commitments, you keep others at a distance while keeping him close and keeping both of you as safe, physically and emotionally, as possible. It separates those who really love you from those who really don't. Most of all it causes you search for answers, stay focused and positive and move forward. That is all you can do.
We will not leave Nick to be defined by it and ruled by it. This is not what his life will be. It is not what our lives will be. We will fight for him as he cannot fight for himself, we will save him from himself and make him whole again.
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Comments (1)
Learning the warning signs helps - mine gets "Michael Keaton eyebrows" when his is gearing up - and doing an early redirect before a "full launch". That, or, if you know the onset is imminent [eyes dart and/or start the glaze], moving the situation into another room.
It does get better over a period of time, although not everyone will be as tuned in as you are to these things. Results may vary. Bring Excedrin.
For what it's worth, I understand.