I have seen a few attacks on those that desire and search for a remedy for autism. Most recently on Twitter where an inference was made that a father thought less of his own son because he wished for a cure.
If we look at autism as a group of symptoms, some of which are not particularly pleasant, I don't see why it is wrong to hate autism. If the symptoms cause grief for your child it would be no different than hating any other thing that would cause your child discomfort or potential harm.
Hating the affliction is not the same as hating the afflicted so we should not confuse the two or be critical of someone who declares a disdain for autism by it's definition. There are varying levels of
affectedness so obviously everyone will have differing views on what autism means in their life. Some will say they have no problem with it and embrace it, that's quite poetic and lovely on paper but practically it may be hard to say such things should your child's condition affect the ability to lead a good quality of life. I am not talking about prejudice or inequality, but rather about practical matters such as self care and safety, underlying health issues and achieving even a modicum of independence.
That being said, since hate is described as "an intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger or sense of injury" I would say that the feelings of hate should not linger long enough to be a noticeable feature of your own condition. Your children should not see such strong and negative emotion as a lasting characteristic of yourself. Children will always internalize and take the blame for your sadness, your anger and ultimately any outward negativity shown by your words or actions. Hate should not be nurtured or welcomed. It should not have a regular place in your morning ritual nor hold a spot at the dinner table. It should not be the motivation behind any discipline and should be cast off as quickly and as often as it rears it's ugly head. It is a cancer and will destroy you should it go unchecked so although I believe that hating autism is understandable, it offers nothing positive in the long run.
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How do you deal with hate and anger?
Comments (13)
I suppose when I say I "hate" autism it's not that it is all consuming I hate it for what it does to my boys and how hard it makes even the simplest things. I think we as parents are entitled to "hate" autism. I take issue with those that say that means I "hate" my childen. It is because I love my children that I hate autism. I don't see it as a part of them. I see it as a "thing" that they need to lean to deal with, the thing that took from them the right to be who they were meant to be without the emotional pain autism has inflicted on them.
Those that say their child's autism has made them a better person, more open,etc. OK.Is it poetic or an acceptance of reality so they are making the best out of the situation? I don't know. Personally I think statemenst like that hide alot of parental pain.
@aspergers2mom - I agree and when a parent is experiencing a particularly rough time with their situation and reaches out, the last thing they need is to have their hand slapped.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt comments.
I have hated autism. I don't hate it all the time, because it is part of my daughter and I adore her. But when autism has got in the way of us having a good relationship, when it has caused confusion and upset, then I hate it. Nowadays, she is in a specialist residential school, which has made a massive difference to her, introducing strict boundaries, strict routines, and most of all, making her feel secure. When she comes home, this difference is tangible, she is an absolute pleasure and her learning ability has improved, which means that she is more patient and understanding, and a lot less anxious and quick to get upset. So, autism can be the bad guy, but it's how you deal with the bad guy which helps to change things.
@Mandy - It is wonderful that your daughter is doing so well! Your comment is a perfect example of how hating the affliction provided the motivation to find a way to better her life and relieve the anxiety and insecurity she was dealing with. I Thank You for sharing your story.
Thanks for the comment
I do think that the right specialised help can make the difference. I don't advocate any of the schemes that claim to cure autism because I don't feel it can be cured, but with in depth assessments and UNDERSTANDING of what autism is about, then real results can occur. For my daughter, it was about learning her sensory triggers, finding out what made her go into overload, and lessening them, while trying to gently desensitise her with tiny baby steps. For instance, she has a great problem with clothing, she only wants certain items, and will obsess about them, eventually only wanting one particular item to wear the whole time. So she is on a dressing programme, which takes a lot of time and patience, with a good dose of strictness and routine to overcome her stubborn streak (no idea where she gets it from... 
). She is also starting, after a year, to taste new food, just the tiniest bit, but it's another huge step for her 
@Mandy - Wow, that sounds awesome! I wish that there was a protocol that immediately addressed these issues once a diagnosis was rendered. It is pretty universal that strong and perseverative preferences can quickly turn into full blown bouts of anxiety which of course ad to the disruption in the learning process. Becoming a proactive parent is key but I'm sure there are many county regional centers that do not provide much beyond a little respite and an early toddler or preschool program through local school districts. Some are great but I would guess that many lack the knowledge and resources to provide effective results. Over the last 11 years I have seen some progress but it is still slow and inadequate.
@P1AutismMom - You're absolutely right. Our local authority provide the minimum, if anything at all, it's lip service compared to what our children really need. I had to go to a tribunal to get the residential school placement, the local authority say things like 'if you can't cope we'll put your child in foster care', which is not the point and would tear families apart, it's shocking. It wasn't about my ability to cope, although things weren't good at the time, it was about getting the level of care and understanding that my daughter needs for her to be able to learn and develop to the best of her ability. The local non-autism specific, general special needs schools were woefully inadequate with their provision for autistic youngsters, especially those as severe as my daughter is. Fortunately my battle was successful and I am proud to have achieved it for her because we are all seeing such wonderfully positive changes in her
@Mandy - BRAVO MOM!!!
@P1AutismMom - thanks
Yes, parents are angry when they hear that their child has autism. That is natural. But the child is still your child and you should treat it as such.
I agree. I never understood why people would attack someone who dislikes/hates autism by saying that in order to hate the affliction that means they have to hate the person/people who have it. That they are somehow less than perfect because you hate that they have a disease like autism. I really don't think that is what anyone is trying to say. I don't personally think it reflects on how you feel about your child at all.
I think that people need to focus less on hate, though. I definitely agree with that part of this post. Hate is such a strong emotion and such a negative emotion. It deserves so little of our time and worry. Nobody should use the word "hate" lightly, and nobody should be proud of having to use it when it is true. You are right, it should be something to quickly let go.
I don't think the community of families where autism has touched their lives really needs to divide itself further with things like this. :(
Hate solves nothing, but only begets more negativity in the end.
I have Asperger Syndrome and I wouldn't give it up if I could be cured. Sure, I'm a social disaster, but I like that I can figure things out so quickly. I've grown attached to the unique way my brain works and I like having specialized abilities. I just wouldn't be the same person any other way.
I would not criticize anyone for wanting to find a cure. Autism can be a miserable affliction for some. As they say, if you know 30 people with autism - you know 30 people with autism. Everyone is different.
@AnonymousXGrl@xanga - I really appreciate your perspective coming from someone on the spectrum.
What I believe is happening on twitter is someone with high functioning autism takes it very personally when another person mentions their child's autism and healing in the same sentence. A war of words ensues and it sometimes gets ugly and all because of a difference of perspective.
@tracezilla@lovelyish - It absolutely is so hard for many of the families and their children who are severely affected. No one wants to see their child beat themselves in the face over and over again. I just talked to a mom who was pleased that the count on the school records indicated 30 hits per hour, down from 280 per hour. She told me that she wakes up every morning and chooses joy but by the end of the day she is exhausted If there was a remedy I think we would all agree the choice would be obvious.
I thank you for your thoughtful comments.
@DAMN_itsz_KRYSIE@xanga - Absolutely agree :)