The Boy is being
bullied. Not the casual, "you're weird", "why does he do that" bullying that, to my shame, we are used to (though we still rail against it, it is difficult to amend the opinions of the
parents the children get their comments from, nor can we give them information that they don't want to know), but a more serious, less
insidious type that is slowly but surely destroying his love of school.
It was always clear that, due to his lack of statement (
Hertfordshire is notoriously difficult when it comes to funding for special needs children), we would have an uphill struggle helping him integrate into mainstream school. His desire was to attend mainstream school, to go with his friends, and although I was not fully behind the actual school he chose, we agreed that we would try the school.
It was made more troublesome by our eviction from our previous address (the one hour notice debacle, see previous blog), as our arrival back in
Herts came as the intake for schools had been closed. We had very little choice but to go with his decision.
It was ensured that The Boy had additional settling in periods at the school. This didn't really
work as planned, due to the Autism Advisory Services' inability to turn up to said scheduled appointments to help settle him, and explain what was going on.
However, the Reception teacher was extremely
accommodating, and worked with us both directly to help his transition, which helped an inordinate amount. He and I spent a lot of time talking about 'Big School', the sort of behaviour that was expected there, and what was expected of him.
He has always been very aware that he is different, he knows he is autistic, and it is something that sadly troubles him a great deal. Despite my assurances, he is unconvinced that being autistic is a positive thing, and was only slightly persuaded otherwise when he decreed that Doctor Who is autistic.
What we have is a very aware, very clever 5 year old, who knows he is different but wants to make friends with people who may as well be speaking Japanese as far as his understanding of their social signals and cues is concerned. So he tries to join in and gets persistently battered down by all but the most understanding of his peers.The irritating fact remains that any amount of 'work' that went in to explain to The Boy what was going on is worthless when his condition and behaviour hasn't been explained to the children in his class. Regardless of the fact that
I purchased books for his Nursery to explain to the children his condition (they refused to use them, bar the teaching assistant who took them to show children 'on the sly'). We even sat down
together to write a 'book' about his behaviour, which we copied for every child in his class, but we weren't allowed to give them out. We circulated the same things in his after school club, who were more interested.
Since his transition to 'Big School', the gap between he and his peers has become more noticeable, mostly in his behaviour which can turn violent on
occasion, usually through frustration.
His inability to deal with unstructured time make lunch times and play times a nightmare for him, regardless of my suggestions and bombarding them with information as to how to handle the situation.
Now, this casual estrangement has escalated to the point that some vile little bastard, two years older than him, called my son a retard at playtime. A boy so stupid that he called my son 'smartypants' because The Boy forgets to hoist up his trousers, so his pants are on display from time to time. He and his friends, bigger than my son, jostled him and taunted and teased him. And it wasn't noticed (though, as a bitter aside, the
MSA's soon notice if The Boy acts like the other children by jostling or playing roughly. He will then invariably get reported whilst the other children do not. And yes, I have stood at the gates watching and gone in to complain
accordingly.)
No amount of explaining that smartypants is actually a
positive thing to be has assured him. No amount of complaints to
the school are working.
The process of parent applied statement is started. So what should I do?
At the moment, my confident, bubbly, bonkers wee man is a blundering wreck. He is tearful for no reason. He refuses to sleep alone (he says that he "needs a grown up there to look after" him). He complains bitterly when it is time to go to school. It is slowly destroying me to the point that, yes, whilst I do sympathise that there must be some stuff going on for this boy to bully my son I DON'T CARE. I despise the little shit for what he is doing to my son, and I can't fathom how he is allowed to continue to be in the school, causing my son misery.
The best part of this is, as a manner of defence, I told The Boy that, next time he was called any of those words, he should respond by saying that his name wasn't what they called him, but The Boy, whereas their names were
Bumface as they have faces like bums.
Can you guess which parent was called in? Certainly not the bullies'. The
Bumfaces.
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Comments (7)
Your post is a little confusing... it's difficult to tell who is who because you seem to be calling your son "The Boy"?
My son is on the spectrum too. All the younger boys in the neighborhood think he's great. (The older ones and his classmates, not so much.) Josh takes the lead and plays all kinds of games with them, making stuff up and acting it out. When we first moved here, Josh was eight. He made friends right away with a little boy who was four and another who had just turned six. Josh is ten now... I'm waiting for the younger boys to catch on to how "weird" Josh is... hopefully it won't happen. He immediately found "enemies" at school. One boy at school became his friend... that boy is also either on the spectrum or has ADHD or something... he's a year older than Josh, but acts about two years younger. They both get teased by the other kids in the class.
The thing about Josh is that he will give it right back to them. His dad has taught him some martial arts, so Josh is not afraid that they will physically hurt him... He can hold his own even against bigger kids. He's been taught to stand up for himself, but at the same time he also knows that the best way to defeat an enemy is to make him his friend, by being just as kind as he can possibly be. Josh knows how to defend himself. He calls himself a Jedi...LOL. Force is used for defense, never for attack. The Force is used to open (automatic) doors and stop cars... Josh's latest joke when cars stop so he can cross the parking lot (after he's used The Force on them) is, "Hey look, I used The Force to stop the car... but I did hear about this new thing called 'brakes.' That may have helped." (Let's just say, this joke is getting extremely old.)
I didn't send Josh to Kindergarten because of where we were living. In Pennsylvania, kids are not required to go to school until they are eight years old anyway. They can then either start in first grade or they can test into a higher grade. Josh started first grade on time because we moved into a better district. He struggled with a boy named Armando for the whole year... and prayed for him every night. By the start of second grade, they were friends. What can I say?
I can understand your frustration! At my sons' schools, while there are some problems, at least they inform the other children exactly what is going on !! He started first grade at the big boy school (regular school, no special needs separate classrooms, etc.) and I have fallen in love with his first grade teacher. One day, I had came in just to say hi to my son and his classmates, I peeked in and the teacher had her back to the door, she was informing another student that "Brandon is different. It's just that simple. We've explained why he's different. He does his work on the computer or the typewriter because of his difference. He doesn't get to play his games until his work is done. While his difference may make him appear "weird" to you, he's quite brilliant. Because he's done 3 more math pages, 4 more reading pages and 2 more science pages in 20 minutes than you did in the whole of the day, is why he gets to have more play time. It's not fair. You're completely right. It's not fair that Brandon's work is held up while the rest of you have to catch up to him." I could've kissed her!
This year, second grade, however, is a different story. I don't think his new teacher appreciates him nearly as much as the one did last year. But she doesn't treat him unfairly nor does she let anyone else! I just get the impression she'd rather not have to deal with him if she had her choice on the matter. While he is brilliant, he's also a handful. Because they can't keep him working all day (he'd finish the school's work of a year within a month if they'd let him work continuously) he has time to goof around and tell jokes. These jokes are of the "boy" kind... "What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?" "Anyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup!"... Great stuff! So I can see why she'd find him a handful.
The principal last year was very accomadting and worked well on the IEP team. This year's meeting when his teacher suggested that things had to change (he already leaves school over an hour earlier than other kids and she wants him in special pull out services for an additional hour a day, because she can't keep him occupied and during that extra hour he'd do nothing but play computer games, educational, but games) and I suggested he should have a one-on-one aide as that was recommended by his therapist in kindergarten. They were waiting to see if he needed one. Sounds like he could use one now. She can sit with him so he doesn't interfere with group instruction, right? His principal informs me that his teenage daughter in high school (or was it college?) would want a one-on-one aide, she'd love somebody to hold her hand all day and help her in school... any parent would want one... blah blah blah but parents just don't understand the COST of that option. I exploded. I told him I don't WANT one for my son. I told him I'd give my left and right arms for him not to have one. HE NEEDS ONE. The fact that he needs one and his daughter doesn't (she had been in the paper before, all honours classes and all A's, clip on his wall, framed) is what the difference is. I would love it if he didn't need an aide to do what all the other kids can do (sit still and work) but he can't. If his teacher wants him to sit still and work, then he will need an aide to do so. If they feel they can't offer him one, fine, I'll get it done another way. His insensitivity to my desires for my son not to face these challenges is what got to me the most. So I understand frustration.
I was thisclose to homeschooling him. If my cancer hadn't returned, I would have. Once it goes away again, I'll go back to my idea of homeschooling. My youngest said he would miss his best friend now fiancee but he likes school work at home better because I don't slow him down.
My oldest also prefers regular school to homeschool and that's why he's going in addition to the fact that I have cancer. Now that he knows what middle school is like (his first year there) He's decided it's the same as any other type of school and he wants to do home school, too, if I allow his friends over on weeknights for social time.
Just as soon as my health improves, I believe that's where we're headed. You may want to give the idea some thought.
Agree with 'the boy' comments. A little confusing, but your last line made me chuckle!!
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