Sunday, 08 November 2009
-
Why is Aspergers Syndrome so misunderstood?
Book in hand my son gets into my car. He will continue to read the book even though it is not assigned reading and he is no longer in school. Every word that he reads he will retain and often to the dismay of my younger children share with the captive audience of passengers taking the ride with us. My son is handsome. He has fair skin, green eyes and wavy brown hair. He is tall, and quite likeable. He somehow seems to charm every woman he meets and has the ability to engage in long, fact filled conversations with men about sports. He has always been placed in honors classes and excelled there. He graduated from middle school with an award in Social Studies and with a President's Award for Academic Excellence. If you were to ask him ANY question about the Presidents of the United States, and I mean ANY question, he could probably answer it, with details you were not even asking for. The same can be said for the history of baseball and even current players statistics. Like most 13 year olds, he loves video games and can offer all sorts of cheats and suggestions to anyone who is interested to learn.
So why is he misunderstood? Simply because he has the appearance of being "normal", for lack of a better word. Unless you spend alot of time with him or meet him on and off day, you would have no idea that there was any problem with him. However, he cannot stand his shoes on for any length of time. He is paralyzed with fear at the thought of writing an answer down on a test that might be wrong. If he opens up a test booklet and spots one question that he is not sure of, he cannot get past that one question and move on to complete the test. He has to be coaxed and reassured by teachers and specialists. He will walk right in front of a car because he is too busy looking at the pizzeria across the street to notice that there are cars in between him and the restaurant. He will chew on every pencil in our house until the younger two children are crying and shouting that there are none left with erasesrs. He will erase his work over and over because the letters are not perfect. We got him a laptop, but the obsessiveness continues, he will delete and backspace over and over as a way of self stimulation which is a practice that autistic people engage in. Sometimes he will revert back to habits of his younger days which is to self stimulate by running back and forth in place and flap his hands. He will mutter to himself. He can engage adults in conversation, but not his peers.
All of these behaviors are controllable in the proper setting and by people who are trained to spot them before they start. If he gets too anxious and falls into a state that causes him a full blown meltdown, there is not returning from that. It will just have to run its course. The best plan is to stop it before it happens by redirecting him.
People with aspergers do not have an interior "edit" system. Their social skills are lacking. It is a communication disorder. They can speak and communicate which is not true of their autistic counterparts, however, just because they have language skills, does not mean they can truly communicate. It takes alot of practice and alot of work. They are very literal. They do not understand sarcasm. Many aspies do not understand jokes. I am fortunate, my son is able to joke around, but not all of the time, we have to be careful what we say to him, he often gets upset over things that are jokes and not true. He does not have friends. He has people who care about him and would talk to him if he called them or asked to get together with them, but he will not do this unless prompted. Friends do not seem to matter to him. This gives him the appearance of being standoffish. That is not the case, he does not know what to say to others his age. It is too difficult for him to maintain an appropriate dialogue. He will end of spouting off facts and statistics about one subject which 13 and 14 years old tire quickly, no matter how polite they are.
People with Aspergers can be an asset to our society. They are intelligent. They have the ability to learn and retain enormous amounts of information. They do not have to google things to find the answer, it is already in their brains. But society has to learn to understand them. The world has to be less rigid and know that when someone says something rude, it isn't necessarily that they are trying to be rude, it just may be his or her way because they maybe an aspie. Of course, they may not be an aspie, they may just be a rude person, we all have to judge for ourselves. We should think about that before we immediately think that a child is simply ill behaved or an adult to gruff or rude. They may be a person with aspergers. Get to know them, learn about them, Look into the positive parts of Aspergers, there are many. Just because someone looks a certain way, doesn't mean that is who they are underneath.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to autisable's Autisable Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in autisable's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: bizymomof3
- About Me: I am a busy mother of three. My oldest son has a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome which has become a full time job. I spend a great deal of my time educating people about Aspergers and making sure that his services are in place. Each year we battle the Department of Education in order for our son's education to be handled properly. Much of what I write or post will be about issues of special needs parents/children and adults. I have been a teacher for 20 years. I am currently employed as a part time Museum educator, which is interesting and alot of fun. I have two other children, both are soccer players, very bright and keep me just as busy as the oldest child. I have published two articles in my local newspaper about raising a child with Aspergers and I am currently working on a novel about the same subject. I have published a children's book, Spenser's Pencil, which took place while I was a third grade teacher. I never have enough hours in the day to get everything done, so I
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 15 Views: 0 6717 Comments: 0 98 View all posts by bizymomof3
Comments (39)
This is such a difficult diagnosis for a family to live with. People just don't get how someone can apparently function like a professional in sooo many situations and then completely be floored by something seemingly simple in the most ordinary of circumstances.
Personally I wonder how much this comes down to a social disease - like too much background noise, complications (life), and the pace in which we live at this point in time. The reason I mention this is because in the most calm of situations and the most simple and uncomplicated of environments, most aspergers are like heaven-sent. They have beautiful simplistic personalities and are very understanding of others faults.
My heart goes out to you and your family, but only because other peple don't understand your son and not because your son is aspergers. I personally think that most aspergies I meet are like God's angels because they have this wonderful ability to reduce some of life's biggest complications to the most simple way of looking at things. But that's just me.
Enjoy your son, he sounds like a wonderful person!
My niece has aspergers. She's really quite "normal" except she won't use the bathroom cause she's scared of the toilet. Well, she'll use it if someone stands there with her. Shes getting better about it though. She has her meltdowns when she feels she's not being understood (or for other various reasons). And she lays down and flips her pencils back and forth. But other than this, no one would really know anything was different.
That's why when people start freaking themselves out over whether or not their children will be diagnosed with this condition, I let them know it's not really all THAT bad. They seem to always assume the worse.
I have Aspergers, but I deal with it. To me, it is nothing special - just a thing you have. I say, just deal with it and live with it. It is no big deal. Really.
It's misunderstood because nobody knows what it really is. It's hard to explain, because people that have it have difficulties conveying their deeper emotions to others, so we hav nothing to go on. What pissess me off most, is that the most common definition I have been given for someone with Asperger's is "A person with limited social skills, and a lack of empathy." There is no way in hell any amount of science is going to convince me that just because someone has limited social skills, it means they don't feel for the people around them. [which is what empathy is.] Lack of an ability to express it--maybe. I MIGHT buy that. But a lack of empahty? Screw it. They care, they feel, and probably in a more extreme manner than the rest of us. Don't think so? What about children that don't talk until they're six..and all of a sudden its full sentences and perfect grammer? You'd think they were retarded at first, when really they probably understand better than you ever did.
If anybody is an Aspie, or knows one that needs a real friend, drop me a message. I am constantly looking for people to call friends; people of all types. I'm also the type of person that can sit painting polymer clay jewelry for five hours straight, so no amount of stringing facts is going to bore me either.
I have been recently diagnosed with asperger's in my 50s. When I was younger life was not easy but over many years I have learned to function fairly wellish in society and am enjoying being a grandfather. I firmly believe that most human behaviour is logical once one has elicited the presuppositions that the person has and so it is possible to work out an appropriate response based on their logic. Of course ultimately if other people have a problem with his behaviour that's their problem and he might as well ignore them if they won't accept him.
Your son may never entirely blend into an NT world but there is every reason to expect him to have a happy and fulfilling life particularly as he has knowledgeable people supporting him. I suppose at the end of the day it's only a big deal if he thinks it is, it's probably a bigger deal to you.
Is it possible to have mild Asperger's? I am terrible with small talk and starting conversations with people I don't know. I would rather be alone all day than around people that are not familiar to me.
I work as a waitress now so I have had to teach myself how to be friendly and remind myself that people need to be checked up on, those skills like thinking about others feelings just don't come naturally to me, I have to focus on them.
I am amazed by the comments on your post. I read many of the autisable posts and I rarely see comments from people not on Autisable. Good for you!
@Springingtiger - I'm curious, if you think it made any difference to you once you were diagnosed. Was it better to know why you have certain behaviors?
:( I wish all the happiness with you and your children.
What a great post! My 17-year-old brother has Asperger's, and while it's been a struggle, I wouldn't change him for the world. I wish your family all the best.
I liked this post =)
My big brother (he's 18) has Asperger's Syndrome, so I wouldn't really know what a "normal" teenage brother does, but sometimes, looking at guys my age, I'm glad I don't know, haha.I remember that when I was younger, then I was kind of ashamed of the fact that my brother has Asperger's? It's embarrassing to admit it, but yeah. I was. I was too young to really understand, I guess.thnks for enlightening me
fantastic post. =] thank you for sharing.
I have Asperger Syndrome and the most frustrating thing is that people feel that I am being rude when I am not intending to be rude at all. The idea that I'm being rude seems to offend women much more than it offends men as well.
Your story about your son reminds me of how I acted when I was younger.
@RaeChan77@xanga - You can be my (aspie) friend! ^_^
I have Asperger's and was not diagnosed until I was in my 20s. It all seems so obvious now but growing up I was a military brat and they didn't really do that type of treatment stuff and the way my family was, those things got swept under the rug. No one looked for mental health problems (or neurological based issues either, too close to being "crazy").
However, my parents always described me as special, weird, fantastically funny, and so on. It was always a positive thing.
The description of lack of empathy is one that bothers me too! I do too have empathy. Even though my oldest son often says I don't care when he gets hurt, so it must be how I express that empathy that is the problem because I so too do care that he gets hurt or those around me get hurt by things I say. I feel bad. Isn't that empathy? I can understand their feelings and sometimes I might not care about their feelings as much as I care about my own... (depending on who it is) but I CAN empathize and sympathize. Look deeply into yourself, non-autistic people, and isn't it true for you too that there are some people in your life that you really don't care about their feelings on the same level that you care about your own or someone else's? How does that make ME defective?
Oh, and the alleged lack of sense of humor... I make jokes alla time! And so does my youngest son who has PDD/NOS. He loves making people laugh (and school is perfect as far as he's concerned because his classroom is a captive audience for trying out new jokes). My oldest even gets in a few! We do know how to have a good laugh. Okay, I get the most giggles out of the logical/illogical type of things but I can laugh at a knock knock joke and still get it!
AND I've been married, TWICE. My first husband is deceased. So, I can maintain a long-term initimate relationship too! I have two wonderful boys whom I love very berry much and who love me. I even have friends (although all but one of them made friends with me first) and I do not reach out to them on the phone or plan get-togethers, they call me and do all that. I occasionally remember to call them. It just makes it that much more special for them when I do call them! HA!
Seriously, the thing that bothers me the most? The reaction parents get when their child is diagnosed with autism. I do not mean to belittle the trials and tribulations of parents whose children have severe cases of autism... or even those whose children have milder forms... but it's not a death sentence folks! It's just autism! That strange, lovable condundrum of a diagnosis that most people don't get but think of the good things that come out it: For me? The most special thing has been the challenge to my creativity! Adaptability and creativity capabilities in me has grown 300%!
Okay, so I vented all over your comment section. Sorry but I got on my soap box and had been holding this in for awhile now and you get stuck with it :)
I can't speak from personal experience of raising a child with Aspergers because my baby isn't born yet and we don't know if it will have it. But my husband is an Aspie, and from speaking with his mother about the condition, I've learned a lot about it. I've heard growing up with Aspergers is difficult because of the social awkwardness and the other things related to it. But one thing I can say (as a bit of encouragement for you, I guess) is that living with Aspergers isn't always difficult. Over time, with help from you and others, your son can become better adjusted and can even overcome some of the struggles he faces now with his condition. My husband, now 22 years old, has been able to overcome many of the things he struggled with as a child and honestly, his condition isn't even recognizable unless you really know what to look for. As a child, he stuck out quite a bit because of it. But over the years, he's learned to read people's body language and facial expressions to recognize their interest in a conversation or other emotions. And he's better able to filter his conversations from the extremely detailed breakdowns of things down to what someone is specifically asking about.
I think part of why it's misunderstood is it's not necessarily widely known. Most people don't seem to know there are different types of autism - I'll admit that I had never heard of Aspergers until long after my husband and I got together. I didn't really know about it until his mother mentioned it after we'd been together for nearly 3 years. Perhaps there should be a bit more education about it offered in schools or something, for people to learn more about it.
@RaeChan77@xanga - I think the lack of empathy is included a lot of the time because there are some that do experience that (I won't say many because I wouldn't know). I've asked him before, and my husband has told me when he was younger, and even still now, he struggles with empathy. It's very difficult (if not impossible) for him to emapthize with others because it just wasn't something his brain came equiped with, and it's not something you can learn. I can't say how many other Aspies experience this, but I'm fairly confident that there are at least a few others, and that's probably why they slip that in there.
this is very very interesting.
Coz people are selfish. And people are more selfish nowadays.
This was an awesome post, I work in a school where I have a student who the teachers say may have Aspergers. part of me is fearful for the child, because I can only imagine the stigmas this child will face. The other part of me is hoping that being diagnosed will make life somewhat easier knowing what the issue/problem is and how to best help this baby. Where is there a site for pple like myself, who don't knw much if any at all about this disorder? I would love some suggestions on how to provide any type of support to the child while he is in school.
My brother is also 13 and is an Aspie. His thing is superheroes and movie facts, especially time periods. He's all about the 80s. He can joke around, but only with SUPER cheesy stuff, haha. With the difficulty he has wrapping his mind around some things, he's at a fifth-grade level, generally. So, he's a 13 yr old that tends to be more like a 10 yr old most of the time. Right now, that totally works. Not many of his peers are a great deal more mature than that anyway. :p But I wonder... will he keep getting older in his personality, keep maturing, or is this it?
Only time will tell. :)
~V
Someone asked me if having the diagnosis makes a difference. In some ways no because I have carved out a life for myself, it has been a struggle but I did it with a lot of support from my wife. No because I am the same person I was before the diagnosis. But a resounding YES because it explains so much. I cannot begin to explain the relief it gives just to know that here is a logical explanation for my inability to do many of the things other people do. I wish we had had the knowledge about and the support for aspergers we have now when I was a child and I wish we had even more now.
I can totally relate to your story. My son is 7 and I've said so many times to people that the biggest problem we have is that he appears so "normal". Most people think this should be a good thing, but if you are not "normal" it is not a good thing to appear that way.
He is beautifully unique and I would not swap him for a "normal" child for the world, but I wish sometimes I could hang a sign around his neck saying "I have Aspergers", not for him, but for everyone around him!
@Lulabell_88@xanga - we all have our quriks. My friend keeps telling me. I dont like small talk at all either. But for me, I would jsut liek to jump right to the nitty gritty of communication.my friend thinks i have asbergers because I can name run times off of movies without looking at the package or know spotless unlimited amounts of Disney information. we are all unique. Asberger people dont really know how to cope with people around them and have poor communication skills. I communicate with my feelings and I graduated with a degree in communication.
I have ADD which is very close to asbergers syndrome. ADD people can be figitity. I was diagnosed 4th grade. very very similar...I dont think you have asbergers. You just might be nervous.
@AnonymousXGrl@xanga - ^.^ I would love to be your friend