Saturday, 07 November 2009
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Parenting the Autistic Teen
Kids these days no longer come to their parents for answers, they text their friends, Google it and put it on Facebook /My Space, which inevitably results in exposure to unwanted or inappropriate influences.
Try as we might, it is impossible in today's society to completely protect our children from all of this. So we make choices:- 1. Which TV programs should our children watch, what games should we let them play and which movies should they see?
- 2. How much do we restrict our teenager's phone and internet use?
- 3. Where do we draw the line on our teenager's friendships?
Now add in another factor:
AUTISM
That puts a wholly different perspective into parenting a teenager.
As the parent of two autistic children, I have been their shield and their sword since birth. I protect them from outside influences, which affect their routines and trigger their sensory issues, I fight for services at school, I pay for necessary and expensive medications and therapy and I have totally changed my own life style to accommodate their needs.
The problem is that I don't know how far to go with all of this.
At some point, my autistic teenager is going to have to face the world without my sword and my shield. She's almost 14. That's a far cry from being an adult, but I keep asking myself what I can do now to help her transition into an independent person by the time she goes to college.
How far do I push her and when do I let her fail so that she can learn how to pick up her own pieces?
My daughter has difficulty reading social clues and she takes everything at face value. There is only black and white in her world, no shades of gray.
In other words, she's "clueless," which has its advantages for now.
Jessie doesn't pick up on spoken innuendos and teen body language. If someone said "He's Hot," she might think the guy had a fever.
Really, I'm serious. . .
If I mention boys to Jessie, she adamantly insists that she's never dating, never getting married and never having kids. She simply cannot envision a future in which she will change her mind on these issues.
As an autistic teen Jessie's physical development is on par with her age, but light years ahead of her social development.
Believe me when I say that guys around her see it, even if she doesn't.
In the back of my mind I keep thinking about the movie Harper Valley PTA, in which the somewhat mousy/shy teenager gets her braces off, gets a new hairstyle and suddenly everyone sees her as "grown up."
Jessie's almost there. Her early teen acne is clearing up, she's getting her braces off in a few months and she's tall and very athletic for her age.
And she's totally clueless and totally dependent on us to make the right choices for her.
I literally have to force Jessie to participate in activities outside our home. She loves soccer, but hates activities with her teammates outside of regular practice and games. The same applies to school and church. Daily and weekly routines such as Sunday school and Wednesday night youth activities are fine, but field trips and special youth activities are outside Jessie's routine.
This weekend I practically had to force Jessie to pack her bags for the youth lock-in.
I will say that I was very proud of her when she explained why she did not want to go: "I feel alone there," she said.
I could have cried, because I know exactly how she feels, and her comments made me question whether I was making the right choice for her.
I did not back down, however, despite the fact that dh kept telling me not to force Jessie to do something she does not want to do.
This was too important and it was a great opportunity for Jessie to try to socialize in a very protective atmosphere. We have a wonderful church and great youth group and I know Jessie is in good hands when she's there.
And yes, in the end, Jessie had a really good time. She made a couple of friends and for the third year in a row, she stayed all night, after swearing that she would not.
Still, church activities are not enough.
At some point, Jessie is going to have to learn to deal with society outside of the protections of home and church. She should be dealing with these issues at school, but we moved her to a small private school this fall, which was the best available option for her learning disabilities.
Our goal with school is to make sure that Jessie catches up with her peers so that she can go to college someday, even if she needs more time to get there.
The drawback is that Jessie's school is a small protected atmosphere where learning is key, everyone wears the same uniform and there is absolutely no exposure to the bad aspects of today's society.
Ignorance is not bliss, it's dangerous, and I am so afraid that Jessie will be unprepared for life in college and beyond.
So where do I go from here? How far do I push my autistic teen? How much do I continue to limit her exposure to outside influences?
In other words, how do I prepare Jessie for life in a non-autistic world?
I wish I had answers to these questions, but I don't, because when it comes to parenting an autistic teen, I have only just begun.
I post about my past experiences with autism to help other parents while they are going through the same issues that I have already faced.
This is one of the few times that I have written about the issues I am currently facing, to which I don't yet have any answers.
And I feel like I'm back to walking on egg shells.
My life as an autistic parent often results in taking one baby step forward and two big steps back.
I'm afraid that, if I make the wrong decision with regard to my autistic teen, she will regress so far socially that I cannot bring her back.
But, I can't be Jessie's shield and sword forever. I have to find a way to push Jessie out into the "real" world a little at a time so that she can learn to stand and fall on her own.
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- From: autismlearningfelt
- About Me: I am a WAHM, with two children. My daughter is 5 and my son is 10. My 10 year old son is diagnosed with Autism. I have a home-based business, www.learningfelt.com . Great creative and fun activities with felt for children. This blog is for sharing my experiences raising my son, product reviews, giveaways and sharing whatever items I find and want to share with all my readers. Read more at my blog: http://www.autismlearningfelt.com/
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Comments (7)
Your issues with your daughter are very legitament and quite valid. At least you are providing your daughter with a good education and a chance to be friends with others. That's a start!!
Being a good sword and shield is hard all by itself, not to mention how hard it to figure out how and when to reduce being a sword and shield. In my town, I am starting a diversity-themed after school program, with neuro-typical kids. We are doing a very blunt social curriculum, and really fun activities. Once they are primed for neurodiversity in practice, I will enter several kids with autism into the group. I will let you know how it goes, this might work in your town too! Good Luck!
-SylviaI work with a nonprofit organization in Waukesha, Wisconsin (ARCh) that has something called "Teen Times". And it's simply a place that brings teenagers with AND without cognotive, mental, and physical disabilities into a safe enviornment to "hang out". Just as teens.
Is that the type of thing you would be looking for? Are you involved with any non-profits in your area?
Regarding the social issues, at least the dating area, what if you decided on and helped her learn a certain set of rules for potential suitors? Something that would work as a firewall for those who only mean to take advantage of her. If you could start now, and make it ingrained into her brain by the time she changes her mind about boys, then that "firewall" you built into her might provide some measure of protection against being taken advantage of by those who have lesser intentions. If you give her something concrete to work with then it helps make up for what she misses out on not being able to "read" those things and taking everything literally. It could even be as simple as making every male that wants to be her friend talk to you first. Good way to alienate a lot of them but the few that stick with it might be good apples in the end.
There is such a fine line in what you're doing, and you are an amazing parent for caring so much. There is a guy in our circle of friends who is autistic. He is in his mid 20's, and a college student. He too struggles with social cues. He lives in his parent's basement. He does pretty well with social gatherings for the most part, but he has no idea where the fine line is between hitting on a girl, and trying to flirt with her, and where it becomes harassment. I've watched him time and time again fixate on a young woman, and scare her half to death with following her, calling her, and making comments to her about his intentions for her.... As far as progress since his younger years, he's gone far, but I know for a fact that his mother still struggles with him day to day. She's had to deal with the police coming to her door from girls wanting restraining orders from his obsessive and fixating behavior because he believes he has fallen in love.
I think the real thing for you to keep in mind is, your daughter has a stunning and beautiful future ahead of her. This guy struggles with some things, but he is so excellent at others. He has social interaction problems, but he has had successful relationships before... He was with a young lady for a year before she graduated and moved on to a different school. As she gets older it will no doubt be harder, but you just have to remember that she's going to make mistakes, and you'll always atleast be there for her when she needs someone to help her. That's more than some mothers of normal children do, and that's what makes you an amazing person.
I hate to say this, but let her watch those shows on TV that you wouldn't normally let her watch. Why? Because they are a safe way for her to see just how people can be. They are a way that she can learn some of those facial expressions and tones that could be dangerous, yet not be directly affected by them.
When I was a teenager, every Saturday I would watch TV with my dad. The shows I watched were Baywatch, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Highlander. I learned a lot about people by watching those shows. Yeah, I know guys watched Baywatch because of the girls in the bathing suits, but they actually had some pretty interesting stories.
TV is a bit exaggerated, and the laugh track is my worst nightmare... I only NOW caught on that the reason people don't laugh at the stuff I'm saying (that I think should be funny) is because it is only funny to a TV audience and not to the person on the recieving end of it. I just now caught on and I'm 31. If someone had explained that to me a few years back... I possibly could have spared myself a bit of embarrassment.
Thing is, as much as people say that TV is bad, it allows me to "people watch" without staring at real people who might misunderstand. Sure, you have to be careful... but if you use it as a social education tool it might just work.
Oh boy, this story brings back some memories of true silliness. I went to a music camp in Interlochen, Michigan, every summer during junior high and high school, 5 summers in a row, as general background information. Some kids were suave and mature; others were geeks.
Lots of 8th graders are not really socially mature enough to start dating yet but their hormones are kicking in.
I vividly remember summer camp, and the summer before 9th grade, and working up the nerve to actually ask a girl for a date (I got turned down)...I was quite obsessed with this one pretty girl for about 2 weeks.
Some guys my age, maybe 2 out of a given cabin of 12 boys, claimed they'd already gotten to "third base" with girls, and among that precocious group, I remember Gregg S., last name omitted, who carved a notch on the wall next to his bunk every time he got under the covers and did...guess what...and by the 6th week of camp we were all laughing about S. and his 66 notches.
They had a very strict policy about cigarettes and beer and not going in the state park next door to the camp (where various drugs were allegedly sold), it was the mid-1970's, Black Sabbath Volume IV was available on 8-track...you'd get sent home from the music camp for 1 cigarette...
I pity those poor counselors. We had a counselor named Fred. We changed the lyrics of the Anna Fo Fanna song and started going FERD THE TURD, FERD THE TURD just to mess with him. He and the unit leader had to be able to beat the crap out of 12 of us at once. One time like 4 counselors grabbed my arms and legs and just dragged me 500 feet kicking and screaming and threw me in the lake with all my clothes on. That's what I was like at age 14. A very big smartass.
I definately would keep an eye on who she is mingling with or dating, at least while she is still in your charge, and I would take her to a gynecologist especially because she is a girl and from what you are saying, she is beginning to get her menstrual cycle. This might be harder to adjust to, for a young lady with autism or Asperger's or whatever, she might be very high functioning and would not have been diagnosed 30 years ago, perhaps. And she might just not want to discuss these issues with her mom and her dad. I don't know. I very much doubt that an individual sperm would know which eggs were the autistic ones and which weren't. 12th grade boys probably have a high sperm count.
Let's all observe a moment of silence for the countless sperm that Gregg S. spilled upon his cot in summer camp. I don't know whatever became of him and I don't really care...and none of our former counselors know where we are and I doubt that they want us looking them up, we seriously owe each of those guys a case of good Scotch for having tolerated us for 8 weeks.
She (your daughter) needs to be told the facts of life by somebody, though, maybe on a regular basis, and it will sink in.
9th and 10th grade girls do get pregnant and do have babies and it is quite a hardship at that age.
And I know that my own younger sister (now 49 and married) definately told me that she lost her virginity in 10th grade, one day when she was home from school "sick" and our mother was out of the house.
(I was away in college, busy trying to get laid myself, with limited success.)
The virgin surgeon who made the house call was a 12th grade boy (he was actually her date for an Earth, Wind & Fire concert some time that year, they were dating for a while.) I think they used a Trojan the first time, and at some point when my sister was in 11th grade I think our mom screamed at her because she left her diaphragm on the bathroom counter and mom did not want to see it.
About my college social life: I don't think I fathered any children, but I did catch gonococcus one time.
You should go right ahead and give your daughter a good scare about STD's and unplanned pregnancy and drugs and alcohol. Count your blessings if your teenager isn't out running around at night before she is ready to cope with discriminating between good people and not so good people.