Adults who experience disabilities have many of the same dreams that adults without disabilities have. Marriage is one of those dreams. Unfortunately, the same dream can bring complexities that might not occur for those without disabilities.
Based on contacts from parents since
Parenting an Adult with Disabilities or Special Needs was published I wish I had dealt with the issue in more detail.
Finding that perfect mate brings up many issues by itself. Love, acceptance, and tolerance can be a challenge in any marriage; however, where one spouse must be able to tolerate or take on more than the average spouse it can become even more complicated. It is very awkward. Many people who don’t experience disabilities have made poor choices in spouses. Maybe things that were not obvious at marriage show up in later life and are not tolerable to one spouse. That can certainly be true for disabled adults too.
There is also the possibility of potential spouses who want to marry someone who experiences a disability for the wrong reason. We have all heard the horror stories about people who marry someone with special needs to take advantage of them financially. Others may genuinely want to take care of the person but once married it is not what they expected. Both situations can be devastating to the person with disabilities.
As parents, we want to protect our children and the tendency is to go to all extremes in that pursuit. Our objectivity in evaluating a proposed spouse might be compromised by our knowledge of our child’s needs. It might be harder to see the value of such a relationship to our adult children.
It is further complicated by laws both state and federal that impact a marriage. The Social Security Administration policies do affect marriage for a person classified as “Disabled Adult Child” for their purposes (usually drawing on a disabled or deceased parent’s claim). The adult child may lose all benefits including Medicare unless he marries another “Disabled Adult Child”. Even SSI recipients who are not classified as disabled adult children may lose a substantial part of their benefits if they marry.
I have heard of cases where a minister actually conducted a wedding and the bride and groom considered themselves “married” in the eyes of God but they were not legally married so they wouldn’t lose their benefits. I can only imagine the complications in those cases. Others have decided to marry anyway and lose benefits. The extreme poverty it brings further complicates their disabilities.
I have often thought that if Congress would only realize that Social Security policies actually end up costing taxpayers more, maybe they would look at adding some flexibility. For example, if two people receiving disability benefits marry, they will lose part or all of their benefits. Suppose both were receiving funding for in-home support staff because it would not be safe to be alone but one support staff would be adequate for both. It also might be that they could help each other more and require less paid help.
Most states have their own laws about whether guardians can refuse a disabled person the right to marry even if it is not in their best interest. Thus, it is important to get legal advice from an attorney or advocacy center in your own area to determine how to adequately deal with the situation if it arises or, in the best-case scenario, to be prepared before it actually arises.
Until next time,
Peggy Lou Morgan
Comments (3)
Some people with disAbilities marry and DON"T experience difficulties with our marriages. Not all such folks are helpless "nincompoops!!"
And sometimes,..parents and relatives are more interested in getting that SSI or disability check each month than they are interested in their adult children's happiness.
My husband and myself could have lived on disability checks all our lives and made our respective parents.....very.."happy." Instead we both have worked all our lives,..teaching school..(me).. and doing construction and....other jobs,..and we met and married and,..in spite of "GAY-RON-TEES"..that we couldn't survive without our respective families,...we have been married for thirty years this year. Our son is currently working on his M.A. in history at a local college. He plans to be a museum curator.
Life is what you make it,..not what other people,..disAbled or non-disAbled,.."GAY-RON-TEE" it will be..especially if they are related to us!!
I have a friend who had suffered from a brain abcess (spelling?) when she was 14. It had left her in a coma for several months and when she "woke up" she had to re-learn everything. She was a very funny, smart woman by the time I met her... but she was obviously "slow." Her memory is not entirely intact. She can't read because she has to see and try to remember each letter sound because she can't see the word as a whole or even parts. It's difficult to explain all of how she is effected, but there are very few jobs she could get and keep. Especially not ones that paid enough for her to live on her own.
She was recieving SSI and food stamps and other assistance. She lost it all when she got married. I have since lost touch with her, so I don't know what her situation is now.
I am a Disabled Adult Child i was born with a heart problem and have had multi organ transplant. If I marry my long tmie boy friend they will take away my Medicare and I will not be able to pay for my medication and hospital test. Without that I will reject my organs and die. I did not ask to be born sick. I think it is unfair that people with disabily from birth can't marry. Thank you for wirting this. I am still with my boy friend 9 years now. We did have a marrage not legal but is was good for us.