Thursday, 05 November 2009

• Friday Night

  I spent my Friday night chilling with my little brother. Aiden is by far, the person I love the most on this earth. He is unique, bright, wonderful, special and my shining star.

  It doesn't matter what we're doing, I love spending time with him. We can color for hours, with not a word being said but as every second passes, I feel our connection grow deeper and deeper. We can look out the window for longer then any of you would imagine. He looks, his big eyes wandering from one tree to another, from the red car to the blue car. I used to spend most of my time looking at him, wondering what it is he is thinking about as he looks at dads car. Now, I just join him. I stare out the window to, taking in each leaf, each puddle, each crack in the sidewalk in front of our house. It was once I did this, stopped wondering what he was thinking, but instead just joined him, that I felt our connection grow deeper and deeper, and now I understand A more then I ever did before.

  Tonight we went for a walk. As he crunched each and every leaf in our path, I thought of our relationship. I admit there was a time I resented him. When I was younger I didn't truly get what Autism meant. All it meant to me was that all mom and dads attention went to A because he was "special." Other kids at school asked questions, and I shut them out. The last thing I wanted to talk about was him.

  Now, I realize how special he really is. He lights up my life. Especially when mom died. I don't know if I could have made it through that without him. I don't think he truly understood and to this day doesn't get that mom is gone. But the thing was, during that time, I saw everyone in my life in such a great amount of pain, that it hurt me even more. Seeing your father cry might be the most heartbreaking thing ever. When I needed to get away from it all, I could turn to Aiden. He was a constant. He was my rock. We could watch the same Winnie the Pooh video three times in a row and then jump on the trampoline, and I felt safe. I felt like nothing had changed.

  I have heard other people who have siblings with Autism talk before. They talked about how tough it can be, because even though the parents are the main caregivers, eventually they will pass. The one person who is going to be there for the majority of the individuals life (if they choose) is the sibling. Tonight while Aiden hummed, crushed leaves and looked up at me after each one with such accomplishment in his eyes, I realized that if there is one person that I have to spend the "majority" of my life with, I'm glad it's him.

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