Tuesday, 03 November 2009
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Do I Need To Explain or Apologize?
A few years back the principal of the school gave me a series of tapes used in school systems for teachers, but I found them useful for my own parenting. It was called Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants: Parenting Styles and the Messages They Send. The speaker talked about power plays between parents and kids regarding eating in a restaurant. He talked about ultimately resolving it by picking the kid up and carrying him outside to the car kicking and screaming the whole way. Then he said, "You don't need to worry about what the people all around you are thinking, they are not your friends and you'll probably never see them again anyway."
How many times have you asked yourself this question regarding your special needs children? Do you ever find an answer? Or do you find you keep changing your mind about your answer? When you do explain or apologize, are you doing it because of your pride? Are you worried about what people think about you, your parenting style, or your child? Or are you explaining and apologizing for your child and to help educate others around you? And if you said yes to the last question, is that really true, or does it still come down to pride? These are rhetorical questions and really directed at me and not you. But I would like to know if others have this on-going battle.Wow. He's right. Why should I care more about what perfect strangers care about me rather than doing what is right for my child? So, I try to think about this when I'm in difficult and embarrassing situations. Not that I do a good job of remember this.
This is fine for situations where I'm in a restaurant in another state or off the toll road. Chances are I will never see anyone again. The fact is that I live in a small community surrounded by water on three sides and only one major road out. I see some faces over and over again, even if I don't know their names. Then there are situations where I will see some people over and over again and might even know their name. For example, the place were we get hair cuts. With the exception of my husband, my entire family goes to the same place to get our hair cut. The ladies in there are even linking me to my various children when I come in alone or my teen goes in by himself.
Do I owe them an explanation as to why Jonathan carries on about getting his hair washed or why he says "that hurts" throughout the entire haircut? I know it is really hard to believe or understand that cutting hair does somehow hurt him. I don't know if it is the noise, the pulling on his hair, the touching of his scalp or what. He can't articulate it yet. Half the time when the lady says, "No, that doesn't hurt." I say, "It hurts him." The other half I remain silent. Half the time I think I owe them an explanation and half the time I don't. I hate the fact that I can't make up my own mind on this dilemma.
It reminds me of one of my favorite movies Dead Again. It's not in this clip, but Robin Williams advises one of the main characters about a smoking habit. "You are either a smoker or a non-smoker. Decide which you are and be it." When I'm in these situations, I say to myself, "You are either going to explain and apologize for the rest of his life or you aren't. Decide and become consistent."
Again, more questions today than answers or information. Would be interested to hear from others about their thoughts and resolution.
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About the Author
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- From: Corrinhowe
- Name: Corrinhowe
- About Me: To read more about Jonathan's Asperger's come to http://www.mypickletalksautism.com. I am a stay at home mom with three children. My middle son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome about six years ago. I have two other "typical" children. A 16 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.
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Comments (11)
We also live in a small town. The children that my sons went to school with already knew about their issues and I am sure that most of the town knew through them. I never told anyone about the autism.Remember thought that most small children all have issues. Those that know my chidlren are proud as they learned to handle the issues in their lives and the others didn't really matter. In today's world I think people like to see you try to teach your child appropriate behavior. I know that I get smiles and nods in the supermarket, msotly from the grandparent types, when I try to parent my children. There is only one incident in 15 years that I ever got a negative reaction to proper parenting. Just do what you have to do. If the barber corrects him that something doesn't hurt, tell them it hurts him and that is how it is. It's not about his autism its his right to feel the way he does.about anything in his life.His autism has nothing to do with it.
It's such a difficult one. My daughter is quite severely autistic, but I try to give her experiences that other children would have. Like going to the movies. I know that from time to time she does start laughing or making sounds, so I take her during quiet times when there are less people for her to disturb. Unfortunately, last time we went, someone got really angry and shouted at us about her laughing. It frightened me, my daughter didn't even notice! So I shouted back that she was disabled, but ended up getting very upset over it. The guy did apologise, but it was a very distressing encounter. Now, the last thing you want to do is start trying to educate people when we're trying to watch a film, so I am put off from taking her to the movies again.
@Mandy - You can find places/times to go to the movies for children with autism at www.autism-society.org in your local area. These are showing where special considerations are made and the children are allowed to act any 'ole way they want, including laughing at "inappropriate" times :) I'm fortunate that my boys do quite well in the movie theaters, I don't have a reason why they do... it's just something they can do. However, they can't sit still in a doctor's office no matter what they bring with them!
For me, I don't apologize anymore nor do I explain, UNLESS someone asks me a question. Why? Well, why explain if they aren't asking? They're not open to learning at the moment.. they're open to criticizing or complaining. It's hard to do and easy to say: but let it go and move on from the people who would cause you trouble and strife, you have enough of it in life.
@Mandy - We've had jerky people in the movies too. Don't let one jerk ruin what could be good times for your daughter and you Try again, just like you did before. I bet the next time it will be ok. Maybe you could take a friend so you feel more comfortable.
You do not need to appologize for anything. Afterall, appologizing would be like admitting you did something wrong, in my eyes anyways, and you and your child have done nothing wrong. If you really want to say something, simply say that your child has Autism and leave it at that. I have learned from experience that this is often the best way to handle these types of situations. It can often lead to the person becoming more educated about what a certain disability is.
@Mandy - I can certaintly understand you getting as angry as you did. I know that when my nephew and I go out someplace and a person gives us a look or makes a comment, I too feel a tinge inside me that makes me want to bite their head off.
However, having a disability myself, I have come to learn that in cases like the one you were in, saying that the child has Autism and ignoring the situation is often the best remedy. As you stated, it is hard to educate people about Autism during a movie. I am happy to hear that the man appologized to you, but I am also willing to bet that since he got so bent out of shape about it in the first place, educating him would not have done any good.
With that being said, you should not let one hot head keep you from enjoying time with your child. She is allowed to go to and enjoy the movies just like everyone else and is protected from discrimination in such places under the law. (Atleast here in the States. Not sure where you live.) The disability laws are there for a reason and you have every right to use them when a problem, like the one that happened to you, arises.
Thank you very much for the responses, I didn't mean to hijack the OP, it was just something I relate to a lot. It's so difficult at the best of times to take my daughter out anywhere due to what I call 'Other People' - those who don't understand and don't want to understand.
@heatherbabes - Our local autism charity do have exclusive movie shows, but my daughter is in residential school and the shows are on when she isn't home sadly. I couldn't monkey with her routine so she does miss out. I have requested that we have weekend activities and they are looking at what they can do, so it will change in the near future.
@Sarah I know what you are saying, and normally I am quite calm, but I'd been desperately trying to hush her for some time and the way the guy just blew up at me gave me a shock so I wasn't my usual composed self unfortunately. But like I say, he did apologise, although he got my back up afterwards by saying he had a 'handicapped' child - I hate hate hate that word!!!!
I'm in the UK and we also have some good disability discrimination laws. Making sure that they are enforced is a difficult one in some cases, I do suffer from that typically British 'don't like to make a fuss' attitude
My daughter has given me the strength to speak up and fight though, with varying degrees of success 
Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I'm Johnny come late to the party here. I didn't know Austiable was going to highlight my post. I have a primary blog in which I write daily about Jonathan and life with him. So I don't check out this sight as often as I should. I do read the articles from my Google Reader.
Thanks again for all your insight.
This is difficult. I work with a special needs teenager, and the older she gets, the harder it is, because she no longer has the excuse of looking like a kid. I wonder this all the time when I'm with her because she does unusual things, but she looks like a young adult. It's something I decide on a case-by-case basis, not all at once.
**hugs**, i dont even really know what to say because i never been in ur situation before and i dont have a child that has autism but i do say this dont let nobody stop u from living your life with your child weather people understand or not, It must be hard to see people that dont understand get frustrated with certain things but your child lives in this world just like others and your child deserves to have the same treatment like evryone else. People dont relaize that god dont like ugly and they will get there's and 10times harder.
@Pickwick12@xanga - @Corrinhowe - I have split it between the two: when people gave "the look", I'd reply to the look by holding up a necklace I wear that has the autism puzzle symbol. When I got grief from others, I'd tune them out.
When my son stated that something hurt him, I'd state, "I know it hurts you, but we'll get through it together."
When the nurse or doctor would prepare a shot for the kids and begin with, "...this isn't going to hurt at all/this will sting just a little bit..." I would interrupt, look my kid in the face, and say, "This is going to hurt, but it has to be done. We'll get through this together, and I'm right here for you. When we're done here, I'll explain it all again.", and I did.
When it came to movie theaters, etc. - I used to bring swimmer's ear plugs, but, down the road, he couldn't handle them, so I took to attending the theaters in a group and teaching him to "fingers in ears" if the sound overwhelmed him. This also worked against the buzz cutters, the 4th of July fireworks, and other loud arenas. He handled a concert, but still doesn't care to go to parades, so he and I usually skip those, while his brother attends.
When my kids - either one - acted out or acted up, they were removed from the situation until they could settle down.
When people got rude, although I'd think to myself, "raise your own kids, leave me to raise mine", I'd reply with holding up the necklace, or saying, "Autistic. 'Scuse." and I'd walk away.
In some cases, where people appear to have genuine concern, I'd pass out an autism card like the ones on this free PDF file printable.
For what it's worth, though, I do understand...as I thought about this entry, there were two people I figured could use this comment,so I addressed it as "reply" for you. Hope I helped.
@the_kcar - Thank you. I will check out the PDF file.