I would like to take this moment to address an interesting issue. When is your aspie being an aspie and when is he being a brat? It is an interesting question because we tend to compensate for our children. The problem I think is that when they were little and noone understood what was going on they were deemed brats. So we reacted that way and now once we know that there is a neurological condition we tend to go the other way. Call it guilt for being too harsh when they were little, or guilt because we have given our children the autism gene, which ever guilt you happen to latch onto though remember, the truth is that if we don't teach our children and hold them to a standard then we will turn them into brats.
Oh no, how could she say that. How could she be so horrible and cruel and so nonunderstanding. Well it is because I am understanding that I can see the difference. Now what is the difference. Aspiedom is something you cannot control and something that is inherent in your nature. It is how you view the world. It is how you process information and how you react to those around you. Being a brat is deciding that you and you alone are important. That you get to make the rules. That you run the house. That you can treat others anyway you want. That asking for something becomes a demand. That you think you have the right to be rude, nasty and obnoxious.
Now parents will say, he doesn't understand. Well at first he may not. That is the social aspect of aspiedom, but by the time he gets into elementary school he should know that he must ask please and say thankyou. He should know that he cannot hit and kick or bite. He should know that the teacher is the boss and so are you. He should know that he cannot yell at you and hurt his siblings. He should know that the rules that everyone else has to follow apply to him also. Now does that mean it will always happen. No, of course not, he has aspergers. But if he tries and works at it, and it can be years in the working, if he practices and acknowledges his misteps then you have an aspie moment not a brat moment. You also have a control moment. Remember you must always control your home. If you do not you are in for trouble by adolescence.
Now why is this so important. Why are we so hard on our children? Remember that the older they get the less school and society will be willing to forgive. Plus, one day they will be teenagers and adolescence is terribly hard for an NT child,never mind an aspie. The crescendo of hormones, peer pressure and elevated schoolwork makes for a volatile combination. In the best of times, these children can loose it. But if you have a handle on who they are and have established some basic rules then you have a place to go to start. Now that does not mean you will not have the eye-rolling body-slump of "oh my God, my parents are such jerks", heck that would be great, just because its so typical. But you also do not have to take it. Also thinking that they are always right and everyone else is wrong, gets them in trouble in school and can and will hurt their future. Not insisting that they live up to the rules and allowing them to slack off because of their disability hurts their future.
You cannot learn to be a man(woman) at thirty; it is an ongoing process throughout their adolescence and early twenties. If they do not learn to take responsibility now it will be hard to change that in the future. If they are not kept on the staight and narrow now, turning around could be a very long and painful road. Rules are very important and discipline is very important and consequences are very important. You no longer have the luxury at this age to delineate between aspie and brat. There can be no leeway. They have to do what is expected of them, and if it means therapy, meds, tutors, more therapy, more tutors, more social skills, then so be it. As collegeman always asks "Do I have a choice?"and I say "No." Because we established the rules a long time ago, and even though it was hard going at times(sometimes very painful for everyone involved), we stuck to our guns and he knows we give no quarter to those who do not hold to their social/behavioral responsibilities.
Also it is important how your children talk to you. You are not their friend. You are their parent and it is your job to make sure that they become these beautiful, successful, self-reliant adults who can then become your friends. They must have respect for you and how one talks to another person is a sign of respect. Also remember just from a realistic point of view, if they are nasty to you, nasty to their teachers, then they will be nasty to their bosses, policepersons, and anyone else they come into contact with in their lives. This then becomes a sign of something far worse than being a brat. It is a sign of being a jerk. Now who wants to be around a jerk? Another reason for ostracism. What kind of life is that for your child? Only this time it would be your fault if you allow it to happen.
Finally, remember that aspiedom is a cause of behavior. Allowing them to get away with it, making excuses for it, blaming everything they do on their disability turns them into brats. But even worse, you also take away from them the chance that they are entitled to to become respected members of society. So off we go into another day of rules, discpline, responsibility. It is not easy for us, but it is for their good future, and that's your job to make sure it happens.
Until next time,
Elise
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Comments (15)
Interesting read and it hits on some very good points.
I agree that using the "Asperger's is a disability" excuse is not a good thing. I agree that parents must take every opportunity they have as teachable moments and educate their Aspie children about what is expected and what is unexpected. And I do think that Aspie children are children plain and simple sometimes and they have responses to things they don't like just like any child. I think, though, that Aspie children, even when they are having a "typical" moment react in ways that might be over the top. This is not being a brat. This is the way they respond because it is what seems typical to them. This is the perfect opportunity to review with them what is expected and how doing the unexpected has consequences that aren't enjoyable for anyone.
You are your childs mentor and guiding force. Why don't you want your child to view you as a friend? It wouldn't be appropriate for a parent to act as a same age friend, but a good mentor acts as a friend. It shouldn't always be responsibility, rules and discipline. I think that attitude will produce angry, resentful people who don't feel respected at all for who they are as individuals.
It has been my experience that Aspie children are mirrors for what they see around them. My son reflects to me exactly what I give to him. Maybe you didn't intend for your post to come across the way I perceived it - but when administrators and educators try to delineate for me when my son is being an aspie and when he is just being non compliant it is like finger nails on a chalk board. I really think they go hand in hand. Always. Is my son being a brat when he yells at the gym teacher and refuses to cooperate? She was yelling at him. It was echoing off the gym walls and she looked at him with an angry face. He was disrespectful, but so was she. NT kids wouldn't yell back at her, but my Aspie son did because she was teaching him to.
It is so important to take the time to celebrate all the things these kids do that are unique and wonderful so that they aren't constantly feeling corrected. It is my view that people with Asperger's are a valuable asset to our society because of their difference. Let's help them to blend in when neccessary, let's educate them about what is expected, and hold them to a standard of treating others with respect. Let's also show them that we will advocate on their behalf and help others make room for them. And let's not stand for anyone trying to determine what behaviors are and are not because of Asperger's. I really don't see how they can be separated.
@aspiemamma - When I discussed the 'friend' concept it was more in the guise of the parent who wants to pal around with their child and is afraid to say "no" and enforce discipline.Not in the guise of someone who your child can turn to for help. I do consider myself my child's mentor but they are not my equal yet. One day they will be and they may even surpass me in many ways. But friendship to me denotes equality in mind, thought and responsibility in the realtionship. I think we are on the same page in our thinking we just have a different definition of "friend."
I also agree that unschooled professionals cannot delineate what is and is not an aspie moment. That is why I leave that alot up to the psychologists, life skills coach and pediatrician for information on what or what is not typical behavior. I have had problems as well with schools holding highschoolboy to a standard without the preteaching, but that did not happen until middleschool. But I think sometimes discipline instead of a social story is the teachable moment as they get older. As I said the older they get the less society will have patience for their challenges.
I do also agree with you about celebrating our chidlren's differences however we do disagree that they are inseperable from their aspergers. Just because aspergers is the reason for something does not make it allowable or acceptable. Example: Highschoolboy is girl crazy. The kids inhis class have known each other since nursery. They hug hello. They include him. He started not letting go of the girls. He got taken to the VP office inschool and told about school policy on sexual harrassment. It was his aspiedom that led to the inappropriate length of hugs, but he had to be warned and threatened to not touch too long. In life you can't touch someone without their permission just because you have aspergers. You still go to jail.
The reality is I think that we are on the same page generally. We may just have different definitions fo the same thing. However, while I do not know how old your aspie is, I can tell you that as they enter middle and high school and college, certain aspie aspects will not help them, and the trick is to teach them to balance their aspiedom with the real world. That was the purpose of my post.
BTW if a teacher yelled at my children collegeman would probably shrink back in horror at the inappropriatness of the teacher while highschoolboy would yell back and probably add a few colorful words in there as well.
Thanks for your thoughts.
THANK YOU for writing this. Finally someone has the balls to point it out.
Excellent Points! It's our job to teach our kids appropriate and innappropriate ways to behave and/or react to their challenges and dissappointments in life. It will go a long way in garnering support if we first work on helping our kids be individuals that others will want to be supportive of.
Thank you so much. I've seen so many posts on here where people talk about how someone was wrong for punishing their kid because it was just their autism making them do it. But regardless of your condition, you have to follow rules. I don't know who came up with the rule that anything a person with a disability does is okay, but it's ridiculous. You have to take the disability into account, but they can be assholes just like anyone else can.
Amen to that. =) You know, I really like how thought-out your posts are. They don't leave many rooms for "Buts" and "passing the blame." XD you are definitely a mom.
I agree for the most part. The trouble I had growing up is that no one explained what exactly being "disrespectful" meant. When my mom would ask, "Do you understand me?" and I would answer honestly, "No." I was accused of being disrespectful no matter what tone I used to say, "No." I genuinely did not understand what I had done wrong half the time. I did not understand why the tone I had used was inappropriate... I was merely using the same tone with the words I had heard everyone around me use. Most of the people around me were adults, so I talked like them. I got my language skills by listening to adults and copying them. I didn't understand that adults do not expect children to talk to them as adults.
I can point this out now, but try doing it when you're 12 or 13 and every adult around you is accusing you of disrespect and you're just talking to them as politely as you know how???? The more I tried to sound polite and respectful (as demonstrated by the adults around me) the more I was accused of disrespect. So, what I learned from this is that adults do not want the opinions, thoughts, considerations, or perspective of anyone younger than them. So, I shut down and stopped talking to them... Then I was accused of being moody??? What the hell? There was no winning. When they would ask me what was wrong, and I would give an honest answer, "Don't be disrespectful!"
Now, I'm 31 years old, and I am struggling to put it together that NOW it is ok to talk to adults as an adult. I have to undo years of trying to be a "respectful" kid... why wasn't I allowed to just be me? I wasn't a brat, I was a really smart kid who put two and two together and made four... when half the adults around me were somehow getting 22. I had never thought like a typical child, why should I have been made to act like one? Why wasn't I allowed to act like a polite adult? Why is that considered disrespectful just because of chronological age?
@keystspf@xanga - I am sorry things were so hard for you. The one thing that I have learned is that just telling someone with aspergers that they are "disrespectful" is no good. It has to be modeld for them. Everything has to be modeled for them. In fact I have found that even to this day my college age children may need things explained in a much more conrete manner than an NT person.
I do not know what your parents meant about being disrespectfl, but children should not talk to adult like they are their equals. It is tone and how they address them,etc. But you should have been shown this again by example. However, I never rescent my children's discussions on topics, their input or opinions, So since I don't know for sure what your parents may have been referring to unfortunatley only they can answer that question.
I can say that I am sure you were a very good and bright child without the support you needed. This is not your fault nor is it necessarily your parents. They are just starting to understand autism now, never mind what it must have been like decades ago when you were a child. And as far as moody, I don't know one teenage who isn't moody. It's part and parcel of adolescence. So jsut shalk that up to being somewhat typical.
I would suggest that if you are not already getting counseling that you do just that. A good counselor can help you work through any social issues you have and help you be the best you can be in every aspect of your life.
Good luck,and thanks for your thoughtful comment.
@keystspf@xanga - Your comment is exactly why I suggested that trying to draw a line between what is Asperger's behavior and what is bratty behavior isn't possible and shouldn't be encouraged. It is incredible to me how some people who call themselves neurotypical will cross social boundaries and make presumptions and recommendations based on the fact that someone else doesn't have the same view. It is good for NT's to remember that we are asking many of our Aspie's to be flexible in their thinking, which is very hard to do and requires basically a rewiring of the brain. This takes time and bravery to keep going out into a world that continues to ask for more and more socially. Shouldn't we remember to be flexible in our own thinking as well?
@aspergers2mom - I'm doing ok. I've had lots of support and stuff later. Learning about AS has actually helped more than any kind of councelling I've been to. (which isn't much because I would get frustrated with councellors who didn't "get it.") I just commented to show what mislabeling "polite and happy aspieness" as "bratty" can do to a person. Obviously, the tantrums and biting, hitting, and other stuff is bratty, in ANY kid. That kind of behavior should be stopped, there are better ways of handling frustration than screaming and hitting, even for an aspie. It just happens to be that there are quite a few more persistant frustrations that follow aspies around and need to be dealt with.
The thing is though that a lot of us aspies can grasp logic (reason) quite early and most people don't think to reason with little kids. That is the one thing I have to give my mom credit for. She did reason with me quite early on. It worked far better than just insisting on doing things "her way." I am much more compliant if I understand the "why" behind things. Asking "why" does not mean I do not want to do something, it means that I need more detail in order to do it. It puts it into perspective. Asking "why" should not be labeled bratty in an aspie kid, even if it is a bratty behavior in a NT kid. One thing that parents should be careful with is that an aspie kid will reason things out to their logical conclusions regardless of whether or not their parameters will lead to a true conclusion. It would be better to give them the tools to come to a true conclusion than to leave them to their own devices.
@aspiemamma - Yeah, simply understanding that it comes from a different perspective and the motive for asking some of the same questions, or doing some of the same things is totally different makes a huge difference. Some stuff is bratty regardless though.
@keystspf@xanga - WHY is never bratty whether in an aspie or an NT. Understanding the reasoning behind something helps anyone learn to think, analyze and become an independent person. I give your mother kudos for understanding that and providing you the information you needed. I am also glad that you are doing ok that is very heartwarming to know. May you find what you are looking for and may it bring you tremendous joy.
@aspergers2mom - hmm... what I mean is that some kids say "why" and mean "no." I've watched them do it, they whine when they are asked to do something. They know better than to outright say, "No," so instead they whine, "But why?" with hope to distract long enough to get out of doing whatever it is they have been asked to do. Especially when they already have been given the reason why a dozen times. Perhaps it is the whining more than the "whying" that is the bratty part?
@keystspf@xanga - yep its the whining not the whying. :)
I totally agree. The more you treat your child like a normal child, the more likely they are to act like a normal child. Will they ever be perfect? of course not, even the best behaved children without disabilities act out occasionally, but if you let it happen even once without repercussion, they, like any child, will not learn that they can get away with it.