Right now, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. Basically, having Asperger's syndrome and everything, I just feel like I can't take this life anymore...
More than anything else, I really want a girlfriend, with whom I'm able to share my 'geek' interests with and who would be able to love me and accept me for the quirky Aspie geek that I am. But any girl I show interest in - even the 'geeky' ones - are either already seeing some stupid toxic-waste sleazebag jock, or they simply just don't want to give me the time of day. In fact, a few are even so ignorant to regard Aspie men like myself as "creepy weirdos". I'm just so sick and tired of having to put up with being rejected anymore. And before anyone says I should be happy for any girl who's taken...how could that even be possible if I can't ever get any girl to like me as more than just a friend?
Lately I've been considering looking at opportunities to get on a reality-TV show or something of the sort in hopes that I would get noticed by more girls who'd be interested in a guy like me. Trouble is, that having Asperger's syndrome basically disqualifies you from getting on most reality shows, simply because they only want people of "excellent mental health". Don't they realize the Autistic Spectrum is VERY REAL, and that some of those shows could use somebody to represent people who have Asperger's or another Autistic disorder and help spread Autism awareness?? Again, it shows how ignorant the world is towards those of us having to put up with having Asperger's. Anymore you can't even get hired for a blue-collar job, let alone get on TV, if they see even just the smallest and slightest thing out-of-place in your mental and psychological profiles.
It does apparently seem to me that most neuro-typical people's impression of people like me who have Asperger's is generally negative - they would just think that we are all lazy, cowardly, unattractive, socially inept and/or just plain weird. They fail to realize that we cannot help this neurological curse that us Aspies have been born with and have to wrestle with all our lives. They also refuse to understand that, contrary to popular belief, we are NOT unemotional or unfeeling robots; We folks with Asperger's can also be able to love and care for other people, if we were given the chance which the neuro-typicals basically refuse to let us have. Rather than sympathize with us and our plight, they prefer to stigmatize us and look down upon us with the utmost loathing, derision and contempt - often to the point where it's driven some Aspies to contemplate (and in a few cases consummate) committing suicide. Ultimately, the skepticism that talk-radio pundit Michael Savage (among certain other infamously-outspoken critics of Autism and Asperger's) had once bluntly voiced regarding the Autistic Spectrum does not even come close to all the ignorance and indifference, all the apathy and aversion that those of us suffering from Asperger's have to face from the general neuro-typical populace each and every day.
I'm sorry to those that might find this latest blog upsetting, but I'm just sick and tired of being single and lonely, and always having to face rejection all the time from women. It's driven me to the point where I feel worthless, unwanted and miserable. I'm also sick of all the ignorance and stigmatization from the neuro-typical people towards those of us on the Autistic Spectrum as well. We Aspies and Auties are people too. We have hearts and feelings as well. Although it might not show (or at best, show improperly and/or awkwardly) many of us are able to have love and affection for other people we care about, and we also wish for love and affection in return. If people would be more accepting of those suffering from any sort of Autism or variant of Autism, this world would be a much happier place, and you wouldn't see so many gloomy and depressing rant-blogs like this one.
I would appreciate any comments and feedback on these thoughts I've just posted.
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Comments (42)
You'll find someone to love someday. And they wont love you despite [what some may view as] your flaws, they'll love you because of them.
I am so sorry you are feeling so alone and miserable!! What I tell my older boy who struggles with many of the same feelings is to find a group of people who share your common interests and hobbies. It automatically gives you something to talk about. It may not provide you with a love interest and then again you never know what's just around the corner. You keep on going because tomorrow might be Very Different than today. Don't give up on your dream for TV either. There was a girl with aspergers on America's top model a few seasons back and currently a young man this season on the Amazing Race. I wish you well and will Pray for you as I do for my sons.
that perfect girl you're waiting for is waiting for you too, just give it some time.
Hi!!
I read your post, and I also have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm going through it worse than you are. I've had girls who say they 'like me', but all they do is spread rumors and say bad things about me because their friends who are so-called 'thugs' don't like me and think I'm a nerd as well.
I've been 'hearsay teased' in my area for about five years because someone made up a rumor that I was a racist, and I choose to ignore the persecuters and not retalliate because they want me to fight so the persecuters can beat me up and not go to jail for it. Plus, I don't want a criminal record and wind up in jail, or the mental institution for assault charges, so I'm holding my own right now. I also stopped going after girls three years ago, and I'm trying to move into an area that I can be myself, and not get persecuted because I don't act the way they want me to act and also, girls only care about 'fitting in' and 'gossip', so they can't talk about me and criticize me all the time if I don't pursue a relationship.
Anyways, as a person who has been in the 'same boat' as you, I tried to make friends with everyone before, and they'll all backstab you if you try too hard and say the wrong things, and this was eight, eleven years ago. It was so bad that I quit a good job and almost failed a summer school course because of it. My neighbour always told me this advice a long time ago, and listen to it carefully: 'When Girls See A Desperate Guy, They RUN!!'.
My advice is to find a hobby, and stop chasing girls. Let the girls come to you when they're interested. My work always come first, and I have a goal to become a game designer so my portfolio is pretty much what I have going for me. I've seen men in their 40s, 50s, etc. etc. who chase women in my past friends groups for people with disabilities, and they're so desperate, they'll go for anything, and they don't have much of a life because they wrecked their own because they've all got criminal and employment records as long as a 'Fruit By The Foot' candy, so cut the girls and be more constructive. Don't try to be something your not and be yourself and focus on a project, career, and your realistic goals. As a fellow aspie myself, don't go after girls and try too hard, it's not worth it.
About a TV dream, I've been working out like forever, and unfortunately, girls don't look for how you look, they think a 'geek' is always a 'geek'. Don't broadcast yourself on TV as the way you are, because if your humiliated in any way, it'll ruin you forever.
Girls are, stupid, a great deal of the time. They'll see a great guy and ignore him to go to the next asshole they can find.
I know that there is someone out there who will make you very happy! Don't give up hope! :)
@Xbeautifully_broken_downX@xanga - I second those sentiments about a majority of women. Haha. Oh well.
To the OP: As for me, I'm not looking for a relationship or marriage. You did know that ASD people only have an 11% chance of ever having a successful marriage right? Enjoy being single while you still are. You have so many more freedoms that you won't should you ever date or marry. It has its advantages. Alas. if marriage is what you desire, be patient and maybe find an Aspie girl who shares your same interests.
I'm not sure why girls seem to prefer jerks who mistreat them instead of nice guys who seek the companionship of an EQUAL rather than a "trophy" to decorate their arm with. All I can say is, if that's what they want to settle for, then they deserve what they get.
REAL people pursue things they enjoy, not necessarily things that will get them status or advance them socially. Geeky girls might be found in a computer club or the local Linux users group. Some awesome girls take dance classes - not the ones that they hope will elevate them to stardom, but recreational dance in the pursuit of little more than just plain fun.
Tennis, golf, swimming... not the "glamorous" sports, but the ones people play just because it's fun.
Check some of those things out, and just pursue your own fun. LET romance happen instead of trying to MAKE it happen.
My 2 cents,
Robin
(also an Aspie boy)
In all honesty, I've had one bad experience with an Aspie boy in high school.
But I don't think he should be the reason I won't get to know every other Aspie guy in the world.
I am concerned that you are very depressed. If you do not have a therapist please talk to someone. They will not only help your depression but help you figure out where to go next in life. Also in most big cities there are adult support systems for aspies, maybe at the local Y or even a teaching hospital. Near me there is a social program, job skills program at the 92nd street Y in NYC. See if there is something like that near you. But above all please talk to someone about your depression.
Also for some people it just takes longer to find the right one, and until women become more mature they are going to go after the wrong guy. Also where are you meeting these women? Do you go to church socials? Maybe if you took a class, becoming an active volunteer for a charity could help you meet nice people. I know it has to be hard. But try these steps and go find a therapist. BTW its what I have my boys do. Good luck.
I am not sure how old you are, but I wouldn't give up on finding someone. My husband has Asperger's. I knew nothing about it when I meet him, and I still didn't know much about it when I married him. I'll make it a short story and say that if I had meet him when I was younger, there are certain things about his personality that would have irritated me to the point that they were deal breakers. I didn't have the patience or the flexibility on my part to be able to accept his quirks or understand some of the things that frustrate me about him. What attraced to me to my husband were our common interest and similarities in our personalities. We just kind of get along. I have learned to be more patient and accepting of people and over the years he has learned to be more organized (not have wierd rules about taking out the trash ROFL @ that one) but that may be b/c of our son messing with his stuff.
Anyway, it will happen. You can't make romance happen and that's true for anyone.
I'm not sure which cycle it was, but on a cycle of ANTM they had a girl with Asperger's. after watching it and then reading up on Asperger's a little more after, I came to the conclusion that my sister most likely has it too. Turns out, my parents have always thought she was somewhat autistic, but after seeing Heather (the girl on ANTM) I just couldn't get past the similarities.
She's older than I am, and has only had one relationship, and it didn't work out.. I'm often times afraid that because of her (like I said, just a speculation, but it fits so well) Asperger's guys won't look at her the same. At the same time, I know she just doesn't go out and meet people either. So there's a lack of trying and what not.
what I'm basically trying to say is, good luck. I'm pushing for ya. and I agree with what everyone else has said .. it will happen. you can't push it. I don't know how old you are, but there isn't an age limit on love. it also sounds like you should probably talk to someone about how you've been feeling.
Good luck.
you'll find someone who is perfect for you when the time is right. :) my husband is an aspie, and i love him more than anything. i wish you luck.
Maybe you'll feel like people's comments are being made just to satisfy you, but I think you ought to know that what everyone's saying is true. Right now it seems bad because there is something you want that you cannot have--we all feel that way, but please don't be disheartened by your syndrome. Truthfully speaking, if you are a good person, eventually you will be rewarded. Don't change to please others, and don't waste your time with people who aren't worth it. If you are truly devastated by this issue, for the sake of yourself and the people who care and took time to respond to you, please, go and talk to somebody who will listen. I think you'll find the grass can be pretty green on your own side of the fence. : )
Good luck to you. I believe in you. :)
I agree with VFV. Don't change yourself to please others. But to be honest, it will take time and patience from both ends. From you to wait for this person, and from your future SO to adjust to your Asperger's Syndrome. One day a wonderful, open minded, patience person will come your way. You just have to wait. Don't give up hope. People like that exist, it just takes the right moment for you to cross their path. The thing you want the most will come when you stop loooking for it.
aww, i really feel for you. though i'm not autistic, but have other mental issues, i recently can't stop feeling similar to what you're feeling. and, you know, sure someday someone ment for us will stand there waiting, or whatever everyone else is saying (and i know they really mean it and are probably right) it still sucks, right now, this very moment, and there's nothing i, or you, can do about it, and that sucks even worse. so, i don't know. i guess i'll just wait and keep feeling like there's a part missing, yet make the best out of it. and i guess you can't really do much else either... good luck, anyway. hang in there :]
@abilene_piper_lg@xanga - 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying. (And I realize that you weren't trying to say that. This was certainly not intended to be an inflammatory response.) I only mean to point out that statistics like that tend to deter more people from even giving it a go, because you could still be in that 11% that works out... And if you don't try, you'll never know.
And I just have to say this: I'm a 20 year old neuro-typical woman, and I've been on two dates in my life. Never been kissed. Please, don't feel like you're in on this alone... Lots of people everywhere feel the same anguish as you do! Just wait until the time is right and the right person comes along. It's not easy (for anyone!), but I have faith that it'll be worth the wait in the end -- for you, for me, and for most people out there. I had a teacher that didn't get married until she was well into her 50s. Anyone can find love at any time!
boo fucking hoo, dude. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, I'm neuro-typical and can't get a girlfriend, either.
Don't be so quick to blame it on your Asperger's, maybe you just don't happen to know anybody right for you at this particular moment.
Love is a very confusing and fragile thing. Don't search for it. Find friends whom love you,or keep the ones that you do. And keep trying,it'll happen. I'm not trying to be all halmark-y either. it's true.
@The_Stoned_Immaculate@xanga - Maybe you can't get a girlfriend because you're kind of a douche! :D Be a little nicer to people, and the world turns into a better place.
I'll be your friend if your lonely
@ConceptCheck@xanga - "Be a little nicer to people, and the world turns into a better place."
My sentiments exactly. I for one believe that Good you put out is balanced by Good returning to you.
*****
I was up in the air about replying to this post since yesterday, but I decided to speak up.
Up until this post, the only people who knew I was an Aspie were my closest friends. This is because I've learned to deal with it in the ways I needed to, so that I've become something resembling NT when the truth is, inside I'm still the Aspie guy.
There's the whole thing about accepting ourselves and loving ourselves for who we are, not for what the world wants us to be, and this is true -- BUT let's face it... the world is never going to understand us. The ones who love and care for us make an effort to understand us, but the only ones who will ever truly get us are those of us who live this life ourselves. As a result, in order to survive, as with all things -- we must find a survival solution and adapt.
"...they would just think that we are all lazy, cowardly, unattractive,
socially inept and/or just plain weird"
Back in the days when Lefties were forced to use Right handed tools, if you were a Leftie, you had two choices: Accept that you are a Leftie and adapt to learn how to use your Right hand anyway. Or refuse to adapt and fail at life because you cannot do what you need to do. Do you understand my analogy? Those comments that people make of us -- show them they are wrong: Reverse it. Show them that we are not Lazy, we are not Cowards, we are not Unattractive, we are not Socially Inept (but STAY WEIRD because that's awesome and there's nothing wrong with that haha).
"...They fail to realize that we
cannot help this neurological curse that us Aspies have been born with
and have to wrestle with all our lives."
Yes, it's a curse that we have to live with all our lives, but you know what? We can get DAMNED good at fighting this sonofabitch. But just like every other fighting art, you have to train it. You can't just sit and get beaten on all day. Let me tell you this -- the day you find yourself victorious and successful in whatever it is you do, you will know that you got there under circumstances that would have crippled most other NT people.
As for women/ people:
My tip to you? Screw 'em. I'm serious. And this isn't a on-off switch "you're a heartless bastard" thing. Screw 'em because for the most part, people aren't going to understand. What we need, all joking aside, is to make ourselves so attractive in some way that people are going to overlook our quirks and weirdness because they find so much value in us otherwise. If we go looking around for women to date, the way we are, they're usually going to be like "um yeah no weirdo". But if you make yourself so attractive to them that THEY come after YOU, done deal.
How to do this?
You know how we can get massively obsessive with things? We can get really really freaking good at things too because of the way we are. Find something that you like, that you really really like, and fuel that passion. Get so into it that the rest of the world can go screw itself (generally fine except for playing WoW, ok), so much that you become a Badass at whatever it is you're doing. People will be attracted to you in some way or another this way.
More specifically, let's talk long term strategy:
1) Identify the kind of girl you're looking for.
2) Identify the kinds of things that girl likes doing.
3) See if you like those things too.
4) If there is common like, get REALLY REALLY GOOD at it.
For me the two things I chose were Cooking, and Mixed Martial Arts. MMA is more of a personal pursuit. Cooking, I took up because I realized that to me, Food = Love. And I believe that anyone who is going to be with me is going to understand that themselves. Therefore, they are also going to be food types who like to cook.
Solution? I told myself that I was going to become an awesome cook.
The result: Just click on my Blog link.
Socially this has changed things a lot. People WANT me at their get-togethers, where otherwise I'd be the guy hiding in the other room or standing around outside; instead I'm in the kitchen or at the grill cooking some mean food. And without fail, women will approach me as I'm doing this and talk to me, and I can talk to them because this is something I can talk about without feeling awkward because I'm good at it. I don't need to go out and talk to people because they come and talk to me now, in my own comfort zone.
Imagine yourself in a similar situation. Say, if you became a really good Guitar player. Girls like guys who play guitars, btw. I'm sure you know that. But you could be the weirdest, quirkiest Aspie kid and if you are awesome on the guitar, getting girls to like you is going to be the last of your problems, I tell you this.
Or? Go take Dance Classes. Believe it or not, Dance is actually a hell of a lot of fun, and is an INCREDIBLE workout (improving your body helps too) and also gives you a constant flow of endorphins to keep you feeling good. Also, the Male to Female ratio in these classes is ridiculous. Feel awkward? This will help you get over it, fast. It also helps you learn how to socialize. Plus, a guy that can dance? Dude, you have no idea how attractive that is to a woman.
I know it's frustrating. I was frustrated, and to be honest I'm still frustrated at myself to this day -- but we don't give up, we keep going and we adapt to what life has handed us and not only make the best of it, we turn it around and use it to our advantage. You know what you do when Life hands you a Lemon? Sell it to someone, and invest it in something else that you can use more than a Lemon. Being an Aspie sucks a lot of times, but it's also awesome a lot of times too because of the advantages it lends us over NT's in a lot of things.
Anyway, Best of Luck to you, man.
I just want to say dont give up hope, love happens eventually it just takes time. Im a neuro-typical who is blissfully in-love with someone on the spectrum, and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had. Once you snag one they will stay around for a long time :)
I'm sick of people complaining about being single in general. =/
You know one of my best friends has aspergers and every single day is a terrible struggle for her because she wants attention from guys so badly, and just wants to be in love with someone.
The thing is, she is BEAUTIFUL. I think that her needy personality pushes people away, but she blames it on her appearance, which is nuts because if she were any more attractive... I don't even know.
The one thing I tell her to do though is to stop worrying about it for now and focus on self-growth and self-improvement. Do anything you can to be successful in your own unique way. Focus on the relationships you already have and be thankful for any love you already have in your life- friends and family.
Sometimes we find the love of our life when we aren't looking. I think that's when it's best, when you aren't wanting a relationship as if it were a thing that will make you happy. It won't. Most relationships are lovey-dovey in the beginning but a good one takes work and if you really want love, then you should focus on growing and becoming stronger mentally and spiritually. Relationships are some of life's greatest challenges, if you don't think you are ready in your life for that kind of challenge, then you need to focus on other areas of your life until you find that you are.
i have Asperger's too. I'm a young, cute.. not amazingly beautiful, but cute girl.Â
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Hear me out.... i promise there's a point.
I have no problem attracting guys, they flirt with me, they wanna sleep with me... I get all the attention a "normal" cute girl would. Getting them in bed for a couple of nights.. easy as hell. Having a long term relationship with a normal guy.. not so easy.Â
I go to parties only when i'm sure to have a buddy, girl or guy, for the night. (as would be with the asperger's syndrome) But most of the time, i'm reserved, quiet and I don't go out a lot. My social fear and the fact that i just don't want to try, gets in the way with my relationships. But I have found a normal guy that loves me for exactly who I am. He doesn't know I have asperger's, so you might not want to start the conversation off with that.. just saying... none of my friends know either. Nobody needs to know, I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking to be as normal as possible. You can learn to grow out of it, it took me quite some time from when i realized there was something wrong with me socially, (5 years and still working on it) but i pass off with confidence in most cases and as normal as the next girl. I still have issues.. through time and aging you'll eventually get over the way people see you and naturally be more confident and that attracts a lot more people to you. So if you want a girlfriend as much as you say you do, then start changing the way you interact with everyone, it will then come naturally around a girl you like.  And if you mess up (do something awkward...etc) ... you're going to have to tell yourself a good few times, it's okay... just move on. Also, be aware of what makes you "weird" or "awkward" to someone else, that thing wont be a typical behavior, work on it, change it, don't change everything about you, just change the behavior.. like saying something that makes me people look at you funny, don't say it again... watch what you do. you want to be normal. If your a geek, great, but no longer refer to yourself as a geek, refer to yourself as inteligent. And change your clothes, get contacts if you wear glasses, dress like a confident person would. give yourself time to heal from the effects of the syndrome, and stay close to God. you'll do allright = )