Friday, 18 September 2009
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Second Nature
From: Happy Aspies“Is Miss. N coming tomorrow?” Wolfie asked me this last night as we were getting ready for bed. These kinds of questions always give me momentary anxiety because I am not sure on any given day what answer will provide a positive response from him. Last night especially was an anxious one because he had been so sad after school and I didn’t want him to go there again.
“Yes, she is!” I responded with enthusiasm. Again, not sure if this was the answer he was hoping for. I know he likes Miss. N. She is young and makes the ABA really fun, but she commands some authority with him too. Usually by now Wolfie would have seen through all the fun and games and focused on the work. What he does in ABA is hard work. Learning to be flexible and going with the flow, not being stuck on his ideas and being willing to try new things. It is fun, but it is also challenging.
“Oh, good! I just love it when she comes!” He had an enormous smile on his face when he said it. I asked him why he likes it when she comes. “Oh, she is just so fun and nice. And we play T ball together and that kind of thing.” It is curious that he would mention the T ball since he hates playing T ball. It is her approach that he likes. She doesn’t make him hold the bat any certain way, or hit the ball any number of times. They just take turns and play together like two friends. She takes a lot of the pressure off of him and praises him for being willing to try. I love this about her.
I am thinking a lot about her approach with him and trying to apply it to other areas of his life and you know what? It’s working. This morning he didn’t want to go to school, but he didn’t tell me this right away. He got dressed and ate breakfast, watched a little television and then when it was time to get shoes on and get in the car, he decided it would be a good time for a shower. We never shower in the morning. After asking him repeatedly to not take his clothes off (as he is taking his clothes off), I decided to let him shower. I told him that by making the choice to shower, he was making the choice to not watch television in the morning for a week.
He didn’t like that. I just kept repeating that it wasn’t what I wanted him to do, but that I wasn’t going to stop him. He would have consequences either way. He ultimately decided not to shower. We were late for school, but I was proud of him for making a good choice. Since beginning ABA, I have noticed in myself a heightened awareness of how vulnerable he really is. And how his choices to do things that are defiant really aren’t conscious. It is just a reaction. Sometimes it is so unclear what he is reacting to, but sooner or later it is revealed. Eventually the behavior makes sense.
I knew all this before, but it feels different now. It feels more solid, more for real. Like second nature.
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About the Author
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- From: happyaspies
- About Me: I don’t have asperger’s syndrome, but I am married to a man who does and we have two wonderful little boys. Our oldest son, Wolfie, is seven and has asperger’s syndrome. Our youngest son, Hammy, is five and has some spectrum tendencies. Read more about us at http://happyaspies.wordpress.com
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Comments (4)
Mrs N sounds like an awesome teacher and friend.
It's good that you were able to apply the best of her approach. Liked the 'consequences either way' - hope you can use it in future a lot with Wolfie.
(I loved T-ball when I was little).
@thegeopoliticalwoman@xanga - me too! :)
Very nice... Kids often don't realize that they choose to face the consequences of being disobedient. It's cool to meet another mom that lets her kids do that. My kids know that their choices effect the outcome of things.
That was one tip my parents passed on to me: Every action has a direct reaction. If I choose a bad action, I will have a bad reaction. If I choose a good action, I have good reactions. Different wording, but same concept. It helped me, my niece, my oldest son and countless other children out there. It helps take the blame off parents, too!
When my niece would tell me how the consequences she earned were my fault and I have just ruined her life... or when my youngest son fires me for these reactions... I know I'm doing my job well! BUT after hearing the "I hate you"... I calmly remind them "I love you, too. But you chose the consequence by choosing your action." and they don't really have much to say to that. :)